28th June 2021 at 7:22 pm #127870ZleaParticipant
*T* mention of sexual abuse
Hello, I am new here & this is my first post. I have trouble saying abuse, as I feel such an imposter within the community here. When I have my rational head on, I know it was a toxic relationship and he knew he was in control. On other days, I find myself thinking maybe I got him all wrong and I was the abuser, how did he know I didnt consent if I never said?
I believe he was violent twice to me, he kicked me and (detail removed by moderator). He was never really abusive verbally, he would say he loved me and do things with me. He would really confuse me and would ruin days like my birthday. We would go by train into the nearest city and he would say I was sounding like a child that i needed to be back for a (detail removed by moderator). Sexually is where I struggle to talk about but have repetitive thoughts about him. He would pressurised for sex all the time, any place, I would give in and consent. On rare occasions, no consent or would continue even if I had said no. Sometimes I would say yes and cry throughout. I felt so conditioned that I would do things I now learn to be the not so normal ways of doing things. It was my first ever relationship and now I am in a healthy one, I can see his views on normal were formed by the porn industry. On occasions, I would put an (detail removed by moderator) throughout the night, so I wouldn’t sleep and I would say yes, just to get him to stop asking. I was so naive that I even managed to believe that a male couldn’t go so many days without because it was bad for them or they couldn’t stop or it would hurt. I had a very sheltered upbringing. He blamed me for seeing prostitutes, the affairs and the drugs. He said he just wanted to see how desperate I was and that he never loved me. He left me.
I am so shy and a real introvert. Always have been, grew up in an alcoholic home. I’m okay with that now, some people are loud in different ways. However, I dont like me, I have real issues in knowing who I am and what makes me tick, i just feel so ashamed for believing him and staying. I doubt my own opinion at work and have trouble asking for help. I do have depression and along time ago diagnosed with CPTSD. No more visual flashbacks or sensations. I find it so hard to talk about. I am due to see a counsellor having waited since pre covid for a place. I wish I could erase this part of my life. I have very few memories growing up and he forms most of them. I tend to forget very easily, someone once explained dissociation to me. I do find I am sad jealous when my new partner talks about his past, not because of what he did but because I can’t remember big chunks of my life. That’s what makes me question if it was even real at all? I am a nervous ball of angry. Angry at him and me.
29th June 2021 at 4:58 pm #127933ISOPeaceParticipant
Zlea, I felt really sad reading your post. We all minimise abuse to survive. I find reading things on this forum reminds me of things I’d forgotten. The trauma of abuse also causes memory loss. I’ve heard many people on here describe that and I’ve experienced it too.
What you describe is actually pretty serious abuse: physical, emotional and sexual. You are in no way an imposter on here. You have your boundaries violated seriously on many occasions. I don’t want to trigger anything for you but I think it would be a good idea to speak to Rape Crisis, because what you describe is definitely rape.
Some of his views may have been shaped by the porn industry, but that doesn’t excuse what he did. It’s very common for couples to want different things sexually, but that doesn’t mean they force the other to go along with it. His behaviour was the result of him feeling entitled to force you to do whatever he wanted, which is what abusers do. I would recommend reading up on abuse. It will probably make things make more sense. I always recommend Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft, which you can get free online at archive.org.
You are absolutely right that he conditioned you to behave in ways that are not normal. That’s all part of the manipulation. Not knowing who you are is also the result of the abuse. Abusers force us to focus on their wants and needs until in the end we don’t know what ours are any more. We use all our energy to try to work out what will appease them, and we lose touch with ourselves. A lot of the behaviour is to make us feel in such a mess that we just do what they say. I think of it like them constantly putting our heads and hearts in blender. It is exhausting, painful and utterly disorientating.
Everything you describe about how you feel is totally normal base on my experience and everything I’ve read about abuse. Google trauma bonding. It will explain why you couldn’t leave. It is a totally normal response to abuse. It doesn’t just happen to weak people or any particular type of person. It can happen to anyone.
It sounds like you have a lot of anger to process. That’s probably a good thing, because feeling angry with him means you can see that what he did was not ok. If you learn about how abuse works it will be a lot easier to be kind to yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did the best you could, just like the rest of us on here. Sending lots of love xxxx
29th June 2021 at 8:31 pm #127949Grey RockParticipant
Sorry to quickly post and run but I’m wondering if you have ever heard AF ACOA. It stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics and is a support group that might be useful. X
3rd July 2021 at 8:52 pm #128211ZleaParticipant
Thank you both for taking the time and replying, it does mean an awful lot.
I am lucky in that I have new healthy relationship, but as it is healthy – I’m learning what wasnt and what isn’t usually expected. I’m finding it hard.
He always wants to listen to me but i have nothing new to say and i fear i sound like a broken record. He will ask how i am and i am honest, sad and angry. He will always ask why, and I always answer the things he did to me and anger at myself. I dont know how else to explain or get it out. I worry some days it consumes me. I’ve been lucky and I have just started counselling with (detail removed by Moderator) after a messy year of NHS waiting (no luck still!) I just dont know what to talk about in session. I’ve made it this far to get help and I fear I’m wasting the time available. I can’t talk about it. I say how I feel but it’s no different to what I tell my partner. It’s like I keep picking at a scan by constantly thinking about the past. Things will be going amazing and my mind will suddenly say you couldn’t of done this before, or people only pretend to love you or you dream of a promotion but you wont ever get it, this and this happened in the past. It feels like it’s a huge part of me that I just want rid of. If that makes any sense?
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