This topic contains 17 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Fairylady 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #103325
     Fairylady 
    Participant

    hi all, I’m new here and unsure if its abuse or if I’m just too sensitive and need to man up.
    My partner can be the most amazing guy, will go above and beyond for me. however, I fear he will get angry, in the past he has hit me, spat at me and threatened to ruin my life, throw belongings out of the windows etc.
    After speaking, the physical stuff stopped, however I constantly worry if I’m going to anger him, if go for a walk or anyone other than him has physical contact with me (ie a friend gives me a hug) he gets mad and calls me a s**g/w***e/tramp
    He resorted to calling me rat at one point, he also says I have to ask his permission to do things like go out. He also has sly digs about me after compliments a lot. Whenever I speak about my feelings he says I’m too soft. My family and friends have showed their concerns and are worried for my safety and he says they are trying to control my life. I have tried leaving in the past and he threatens his life, or whenever he says he doesn’t want me I always crawl back.
    I have stopped seeing friends, i try not to be on my phone because he gets annoyed, I don’t go out much now, its easier than him being mad im out too long, he constantly accuses me of cheating, im with him 24/7 and he goes through my phone so he knows I’m not. I don’t really use social media anymore either, he will get annoyed if I have someone that he doesn’t like on there. He has now been trying to tell me that my family are bad people and that he wouldn’t want anything to do with them because they tried to help me. I also work with him, so he watvhes me throughout the day, I used to be very outgoing and i dont really speak to people now as he accuses me of flirting and calls me a s**g.
    I know the physical stuff is bad but its stopped. He always knows he’s done wrong and apologises and I end up crying to him after we have argued because he is my rock and comfort.
    Is he just doing this because he’s angry? Or do I need to toughen up? Should I work through it?
    Thanks

  • #103327
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He’s not your rock and your comfort. Abusers push us off the cliff then rush down and rescue us and all we remember is the rescue. It’s the brains way of saving us from trauma when in reality we should be putting the spotlight on that push. He sounds like a typical abuser. Isolating you from your friends and destroying your self esteem and confidence. Your friends and family have every right to be concerned for your safety. For what he’s already done is illegal and he would be arrested and charged if there was enough evidence. Try ringing the national domestic abuse helpline or your local branch. Abuse is insidious, it creeps up and we minimise it. For me the emotional abuse was far worse than anything physical and I’m still in counselling for it. Abuse scars us deeply and I’d urge you to talk to your GP and the domestic abuse police about his behaviour but don’t let him know what you’re doing. They become extra violent and controlling when they fear losing control. My ex used to humiliate and hurt me then say I was too sensitive or I couldn’t take a joke. It’s how they mask the abuse. They’re cunning and manipulative. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven or Why Does He Do That by Lindy Bancroft. Your abuser will take you apart piece by piece until your self esteem and confidence make you rely on him more and more for validation. He’s not your friend, he doesn’t have your best interests at heart, he knows exactly what he’s doing and he chooses to abuse you. He does it when there are no witnesses so he can definitely control himself and abuser will always get worse. It’s devastating to realise than someone you love is deliberately hurting you but when you realise what’s going on, you can make plans to change your situation. He won’t ever change x

    • #103335
       Fairylady 
      Participant

      Thankyou to boghe of you, how did you guys get out? I always want to go back and i always end up being the one apologising and begging to come back
      Thankyou guys
      I downloaded both books

  • #103334
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    My ex hit me really badly just a few times in our relationship, he too did the spitting on me, tripping me up, kicking with work boots on ,twisted arms and legs fingers, nipped, bit me. As time went on it did lessen and became more mental abuse, the stuff you’re not quite ed sure of. But you never forget what they did, what they are capable of, a look or a word is enough to sink your stomach. We need to talk, can send me into a tailspin even now.look up the cycle of abuse, he may be apologising, but they’re jyst words because he continues to do the same thing over and over and over again. When he knows you’re nearer the end of your tether, he’ll change tactics but the abuse is still there. They are Jekyll and Hyde and Hyde is who he really is, with a smattering of Jekyll to keep you hoping he’ll return on a more permanent basis. Definitely reading why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and living with the dominator by pat Evans helped me see, think it’s why we recommend them so often. Threatening to kill themselves is classic behaviour, and some do succeed, but that’s the ultimate power tactic. He’s then left behind such strong guilty feelings that some never get over it. Everything he does is a choice. He chooses to be abusive the same way we choose not to be. Your family aren’t trying to control your life, he’s trying to distance you from them, stop you turning to them so he’s the only one you can talk to. It’s why so many of us lose touch with friends and family. These men still wouldn’t be happy if we stayed home, cooked, cleaned, gave sex on demand and covered up from head to toe when we went outside, head downcast. They find a way to find fault, argue, lose their temper or be physical because it makes them feel better about themselves. It’s all about power and control.
    IWMB 💞💞

    • #103336
       Fairylady 
      Participant

      Thankyou to both of you, how did you guys get out? I always want to go back and i always end up being the one apologising and begging to come back
      Thankyou guys
      I downloaded both books

  • #103339
     KIP. 
    Participant

    For me it ended with my ex being arrested an given bail conditions to stay away. But I also educated myself. Trauma bonding with these abusers is like an addiction and it will take zero contact to break that bond. Google trauma bonding and see if it makes sense. I think we move past love because you can’t love someone who hurts you. You can be trauma bonded which is more powerful. Remember these men simply don’t think the way we do. They have no remorse, no sympathy, are extremely selfish and often very narcissistic. They are liars and manipulators and often serial cheaters. It’s using your head instead of your heart.

  • #103340
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s rebuilding your confidence and your self esteem that is destroyed by abuse.

  • #103341
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Discovering that with traumA, the rational part of the brain shuts down. the Body Keeps The Score is a good book that describes trauma and no doubt you will be suffering that too. A lot of us suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
    That there are bonding hormones that we release that bond us to our abuser like Oxytocin which is the hormone release after birth for new mothers to bond. Even our bodies work against us x then there’s cognitive dissonance so out brains work against is too. Educate yourself to win this battle x

    • #103384
       Fairylady 
      Participant

      Thankyou both. I tried speaking to him today to try and make him understand what he’s doing and he says its all me, that my family are worrying for no reason.
      my family and friends have been trying to get me to leave for a while now and they came to me before I spoke of anything, he says that I shouldn’t have spoken to anyone because its a private relationship and that I’m doing it for people to feel sorry for me and we could have sorted it out between us. Said my family hate him because I made him look bad. I tried explaining the things he does and how he makes me feel and he just kept saying i should apologise because now everyone thinks hes bad and he says that I am like him, that I am the controlling one, i will admit, I do like to have things a certain way when cleaning and the way the house is and am controlling with that. But I don’t feel I’m like him? I worry he’s right and that I am like him and that maybe it is me that’s causing it all.
      I question myself with things he says all the time.

    • #103386
       Fairylady 
      Participant

      I’ll research trauma therapy too. Sounds like you went through hell, im glad to hear you came out the other end too x

  • #103347
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I went to my doctor to begin with, months of just chatting, I eventually plucked up the courage to phone my local WA after having posted on here for months too. I stayed for about (detail removed by moderator) after I woke up one day and thought I can’t do this any more. Finally admitting to myself that my husband was/is abusive nearly broke me. I spent the time staying those final months learning everything I could, in between deep bouts of depression and also trying to pretend everything was normal. I saw WA again and said I was then ready to move, within weeks I’d moved out. I’ve never wanted to go back, but its not been easy. We do what we do to survive during send after abuse.
    💞💞

    • #103385
       Fairylady 
      Participant

      Thankyou, I will go to the gp and see what they can do. I have been looking at local support groups that maybe I could go to once the lockdown is over and see how it helps too x

  • #103387
     KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s not you it’s him. Typical abuser behaviour to move the spotlight onto you and deny everything. Impossible to talk to an abuser. They will lie and deny and blame before admitting any wrong doing. Leaving us totally confused because we don’t act like that.

  • #103388
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Whatever they’re doing wrong they will blame you and accuse you of doing. Listen carefully to his accusations as they’re often a confession of their own behaviour x

  • #103409
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Hi Fairlady, Welcome to your new community of friends.

    I think the question “Is it abuse?” is the most frequently asked question on these notice boards. In every case, after reading the post, the answer has been yes. If you’ve got as far as finding your way here then it is problably abuse. Trust your gut instinct.

    There is a lot of information out there about the cycle of abuse and trauma bonding. Both of these things can leave you feeling like your abuser is your rock and the most amazing guy who will go above and beyond for you. It also explains why so many women keep going back and why it is so hard to leave. (detail removed by Moderator)

    Your story is very familiar to a lot of people on here. Another commonly asked question is “Am I the abuser?”. So many of us have been accused of what our oh’s do! When they look at us, they do not see who we are. They see us as their property and they see a reflection of themselves. If you are actually considering the possibility that you might be abusive, then you are not the right personality type to actually be abusive. Abusers don’t self reflect like that.

    I hope that you stick with us. A lot of us pop in and out of the notice boards. I certainly disappear for long periods of time, especially whilst I’m adjusting to my new life. The ladies are always here for me when I get back and we’ll be here for you. xx

    • #104415
       Fairylady 
      Participant

      Thankyou for the support, I do doubt myself a lot questioning if it is me thats the abuser because he always says things that make me doubt myself. I always wonder if im the bad one thats causing things. He has said before that I am the one that hurts him and he has made fun of me when I said my family and friends think he’s abusive, saying I wouldn’t know what abuse is if it slapped me in the face. He says he’s not bad and I am the bad one because i don’t pay him enough attention and that i spoke to my mother in the past because I wanted attention.

      Its taking a tole now, and i am still in the relationship

  • #103684
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Hi Fairlady,

    I am new here too. I got out of my abusive relationship in (detail removed by moderator), with an abuser who used Controlling and Coercive Behaviour and would use violence occasionally. I ended up living in a refuge for (detail removed by moderator) and then a DA Community House for (detail removed by moderator) until I found my feet. I was a single mum of one small child at the time. It was going to Refuge and what I learned there that finally got me out for good. I’ve lived abuse free since then.

    You are being exposed to Controlling and Coercive Behaviour. Since 2015 this is a crime. C&C Behaviour is when a partner wants to micromanage your life. It is not a healthy relationship at all, despite what they tell you! The relationship has its own set of rules, rituals and sanctions and the abuser uses tactics of isolation from friends and family, monitoring and surveillance of your daily life and ‘gas lighting’. The intention is to win total domination of your life and leave you too fearful to leave. Victims often give up the fight to leave because they feel they will never be free of him, and also because they are bonded to him as he is all they have.

    I now work professionally with victims of DA and have done a lot of research on C&C Behaviour. Now I am knowledgeable of this I can see with clarity how my ex used this on me. My partner chipped away at every bit of my self esteem and self confidence and I became a shell of the woman I was when he met me. I could do nothing right, I doubted my own decisions, in the end I couldn’t make decisions, everything was done by him.

    I believe you can get through this. We all can. Sometimes it takes many times for us to leave our abuser before we are finally prepared to leave them for good (I left (detail removed by moderator) times before I left for good, when I left him the (detail removed by moderator) I ended up begging him to take me back because I found out he’d met someone else!) No one should judge you for leaving or not leaving, only you know when the right time is and when your own personal boundary of what you can/will tolerate has been reached.

    I doubt I would have left for good without going to live in a refuge. It was the help and support I got there that got me through it. I had tried the police at one point but they were of no use back then and couldn’t do anything, however, nowadays it’s a different matter because the police can arrest for C&C Behaviour, although the evidence can be quite difficult to obtain for a prosecution as it often comes down to one persons word against another. If you want to know more about the police route I can offer some insight in what they can do to help you.

    Believe in yourself, you have the power within you to live free from abuse x

    • #104416
       Fairylady 
      Participant

      hi, thankyou for your reply, I am still in the relationship and it is wearing me down, I had left, and when he wasn’t bothered I begged for him to take me back, I was heartbroken, now he says he can’t trust me because I “ran away” rather than sorting things out. I am back now and playing house as normal, as he doesnt like to discuss things, he likes to carry on as nothing happened.
      Thankyou for the advice on where I can go for help too.

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