27th June 2016 at 12:10 am #20191
I have survived two horrible abusive relationships. I’m currently going through another break up and it’s triggering the past rather.
My current partner is terribly unwell and kind of expecting me to look after him. We have not been going out together long. He’s lovely, clever and wise but like an old man because of his health.
He’s collapsed several times in the last months and nearly died and once I had to resuscitate him.I have saved his life twice now. He smokes and he should not clearly.
A I have a chronic health problem and get panic attacks I am finding all the vigour I regained after splitting up from the very bad abusive ex is getting dissipated.
I love this man but he is so unsuitable I don’t even know why I started. I knew it would go wrong. He is extraordinary in many ways- I won’t say much but he is very inspiring and clever and encouraging to me.
But I feel like a protege. And in return I have to look after him.
At the moment I am missing him terribly. Basically, I can rebuild my life but I am feeling like I am sort of suicidal lemming in relationships. Anyway, I guess I am learning to fly still.
He set me free only to give me whole new cage. he did try the emotional blackmail too which flows off me like water off a duck’s back after all I have heard in the past.
If you want to read on I have had two abusive exes; one was a cruel controlling husbeast of many years, the other a long term n****r who was a lovebomber and twister.
I just wish I could find normality in a relationship. I am very lonely at the moment, expect it will pass. live with a kind ex, but he drives me nuts sometimes as he has emotional problems.
Sorry I probably sound like a total loser.
28th June 2016 at 12:54 am #20304AnonymousInactive
Welcome to the forum. First off you don’t sound like a loser in fact you sound like many of us here, Healthy relationships with boundaries are something we all strive for. I guess it is a pattern of living we get used to living with. I am not sure what to advise except maybe to keep posting and read some of the other posts too as we learn just as much from others situations. Not very helpful sorry lots of these lovely ladies will have some very encouraging words for you and I am a bit type shy tonight but I saw your post and i wanted to say hi and welcome you. xx
28th June 2016 at 6:18 am #20307HealthyarchiveBlocked
Dear Teatime, sorry you have having such a hard time at the moment. I’m five months out of my relationship with my covert emotional abuser and I am doing great. He did however destroy my life and almost make me insane when I was with him. A few years before that there was another very similar one. Lately I have made the decision to try to purge all male presence from my life 100% to give myself some space. For the past 30 years from the start of my first meeting & being interested in boys (16) I have always had a boy or man in my life in some form, husband, boyfriends, holiday fling, online chat, flirting, short fling etc. I cannot even think of ond day that went by during all of that time that I did not have a man somewhere. During this time I have have had a number of abusive men and have felt unhappy in almost every encounter with a man that I have had. My mental wellbeing has been through the mill. Being a member of this forum and learning about domestic abuse has helped me to see that it is not a bad thing to completely remove all presence of a man in your life for a while, to give yourself space and sort your self out. At first I found this uncomfortable & scary, as though I would be so lonely & empty without the harmless online dating website chat. Or the Whatsapp exchanges with a holiday fling. But nethertheless I have blocked all of these. I am still a member of an online dating website but will leave that until the membership expires, i’m not chatting with anybody on there. I am going to see how I get along the next 2 or 3 months. I have already noticed that it feels liberating to be able to just be without worrying about looking attractive to a man or putting on weight. More relaxed. I hope this helps you Teatime, you might want to give it a try too. I am hoping that I develop some deeper self confidence and self worth as a result of this change. I wish you all the best. HA XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
28th June 2016 at 10:20 am #20320SerenityParticipant
When we realise we have been in an abusive relationship, our first feelings are shock and hurt, and then we begin to blame ourselves for not seeing it sooner and we berate ourselves for being stupid, gullible, etc.
We should not berate ourselves like this, because human beings are a social animal- we survive and thrive through relationships with others, plus feelings of affection, love and concern should not be berated, as they are very healthy and normal.
What isn’t normal is people who pick up on others’ weaknesses to mould them, or who play the victim to control others, people who try to erase other’s personalities and freedom.
Your partner might be very sick, and suffering physically, but that doesn’t give him the right to neglect your needs and to make you deeply unhappy. Or try to control you.
I sense very much in your post the idea that you are bound to him by the idea of ‘rescuing’- you feel you were rescued by him, and now you in turn have rescued him from near death. There is a lot of ‘owing’ eachother in this relationship, it seems, but that doesn’t mean that all the other negative things- like emotional blackmail, should be ignored; not should you feel like you owe him for your very existence. In healthy relationships, you do things for others because you care, not because you want others to feel beholden to you or because you want to control them forever more.
Relationships are meant to be based on equality and the journeying together of two individuals to achieve their utmost.
Trouble is, abusers mask abuse so well beneath a cloud of guilt, obligation and by inducing fear. We don’t realise it’s abuse until our bodies and minds start screaming out for release.
Trouble is, you can’t talk to an abuser straight about this, as they will deny it twist things.
Many of us here- like in the poem about the puddle where we fall in twice, then step around it the third time- have been in more than one abusive relationship, but it sounds like you can recognise the tactics now.
I hope you come to a decision that is best for you and the women here will all be there to give you support.
PS if you look up the concept of ‘rescuer’ in psychology – if you haven’t already- it might help you to see the dynamics.
28th June 2016 at 10:22 am #20321Confused123Participant
welcome to the site, its shocking to hear how many evil men are out there and they think its totally normal, im not suprised u feeling drained, welldone for seeking help, i always tell ladies to keep a strong netrwork or build one, get yourself a counsellor, doesnt matter if u stillin realtionship, have lefty abuser b4 , after experienceing a abuser u def need a counsellor to work through the emotions, post on here as much as u need to and we will try and support u, they always do make us feel guilty there fav trick
29th June 2016 at 1:27 pm #20418
Thank you for such intelligent and surprising replies which are all very salient and helpful. Serenity, that is brilliant and yes, I tend to be a dreadful little example of a ‘rescuer’. I have health problems and I have not been out and about much in the world so my kind of learning about relationships stge is very late in my life. I’m what is ridiculously termed as ‘middle aged’. Which makes me laugh .
I am actually quite happy, semi-on-my-own. I have a kind and supportive male friend who is an ex and we help one another whilst giving each other space. We are like family to each other in a way.
He has excellent wisdom and is the most honest of men.
However, we have always been incompatible in other ways.
I am a creative person and I spend loads of time painting and writing. I have two jobs, one nice one stressful so I can keep occupied.
But yes, I need to break the mould in so many ways with relationships.
My recent ex had the cheek to say I was ‘needy’ when I left.
I thought ‘well not that needy ‘cos I am leaving, so screw you!.
He’s the one that leaned all over me! Then he asked to borrow loads of money. I should cocoa.
I wouldn’t say one word in recrimination, I just cannot be bothered, I don’t like words to hang in the air and play on people’s minds, just disregard bad things are that are said to me as manipulation.
God, some people.
29th June 2016 at 1:38 pm #20419
Blimey I just read about ‘rescuer’ in psychology, that’s me thinking I am b****y superwoman trying to fix the unfixable OMG! I just wrote a poem about it without realising.
I had to look after Mum as a child, we all did and it isn’t best practice for adult relationships.
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