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Hello,
I’m new here. My eyes have only just been opened to how toxic things are and I’m struggling to believe he’s that manipulative.Together a long time, children, married.
I’d describe him as emotionally unavailable with little empathy. Any topic I raise he views negatively, says (detail removed by moderator), doesn’t try to see how it feels, avoids eye contact, becomes child like, treats me to silence, crosses arms and moves body away.
When pregnant and ill I begged for help but he shouted and said (detail removed by moderator). It transpired I was seriously ill.
I have been keeping a list of events for a year or so because I tend to forget events. He calls me lots of names, swears at me and tells me (detail removed by moderator), he also makes comment to my profession (I think he feels inadequate?).
I’ve tried to rescue him, help him, analyse him. We’ve tried counselling. (Detail removed by moderator). He refused to adhere to it.
He has strangled me once and thrown a lot of items round the house and hit and kicked furniture. He has hit the animals. He gaslights me and scapegoats the children and me a lot, never accepts responsibility. Even when he strangled me, (detail removed by moderator).He has acknowledged that it’s wrong, (detail removed by moderator). He never apologised, instead returns and acts like normal, which confuses me and makes me wonder whether I exaggerate things? Hence why I make a list: so I can re read and remind myself of the horrible things he says to me.
Nothing works. So I gave him an ultimatum of get help or it’s over by a timeframe. He didn’t do it, so I ended it giving him (detail removed by moderator) to find somewhere. (Detail removed by moderator) he didn’t have anywhere but went (detail removed by moderator).
The other day he said (detail removed by moderator).I know it’s abuse. And not ok. I don’t want me or my children around it or my children thinking this is normal.
He knows it’s not normal and can manage his behaviour in front of people which tells me he chooses not to manage it with me. He seems to hate and resent me so much. Yet when he’s round to see the children he looks sad, quiet, upset, is nice to me, then realises I’m not letting him come home and he gets angry and nasty again. And so it continues.My query is, I’m really struggling to believe he’s that manipulative! (Detail removed by moderator). This is the first time he’s said anything like this. He never does the big gestures, instead avoids.
I feel stupid that despite everything I was tempted. I know things won’t change unless he does something about it. And that’ll likely take significant time.Why am I still pulled to him? I’m strong when he’s not here but I weaken when he is. My friends think he sees my weakness and then tells me what I want to hear.
I struggle to see him that manipulative, I believe him.
I feel like I’m going out of my mind and am unbelievably confused! -
It’s hard to believe the man we love isn’t who we think he is, and it’s hard to accept anyone could be so manipulative but as you’ll see from so many posts on here, sadly these men (and women) really are. As you’re finding, he’ll do/say whatever works to get what he needs – not what you or the kids need. In our worlds trauma bonding keeps us hooked – those highs and lows, that acting like nothing has happened all trick our brains into us continuing to play the game hoping we’ll win the perfect partner we think he could be. Not to mention the addiction to our body’s chemical reactions – that adrenaline and anxiety, the dopamine in the good times.
These men aren’t daft either, they go for strong, caring partners who will give everything to keep trying and they know we will (at our own detriment). Not to mention the human nature to want the happy family life. Final thing to through in the mix is the fear, guilt and obligation, like you say he looks sad when he visits, you feel sorry for him, feel obligated to help/try again, plus if you’re like me you somehow revert back to a different/quiet/compliant person when he’s near. My eldest told me earlier she heard someone (detail removed by moderator) like my ex the other day and her body went into a fear mode.
So, all in all be kind to yourself. Watch his actions not his words, if you do try again do it with your eyes open and safe in the knowledge you can leave again. As for your friends sadly no one quite understands unless they’ve walked in our shoes so keep posting xx
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Thank you so so much for taking the time to comment. It’s been a really hard day. I spoke to one of the support workers on here and realisation hit me. He knows what he’s doing, it’s all about his needs.
My brain needs clarity. Thank you for explaining.He knew he just had to get help and I wouldn’t have ended it. It’s been a while and he still hasn’t got help, although tells me he’s researched it.
Anxiety is high tonight, I’ve only cried once since the split. And that’s when I told the children. But I’m tearful today.
Also very angry. But I’ve been told that’s not a bad emotion to evoke change
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Yes he is that manipulative, if he treats you one way and others a different one it is because he wants to, he doesn’t want people to know or see that side of him and he is probably definitely manipulating you into letting him back, you properly feel pulled cos you’ve bonded to him, adapted to the horrible behaviour and maybe because your kind and feel grateful for a nice (fake) change in him.please don’t let him back whatever he said and does for your sake and the kids (as you said) you don’t want them to think it’s normal lest the cycle continue, if he’s got little empathy he could be sociopathic or psychopathic (it’s more common than you think) 🤗🧡🤗
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Your friends are right I could have written this because I too was oblivious to the manipulation and wrote it down because they confuse you and pretend nothing happened.my ex thinks he’s reeling me back when I said it’s over but as far as you live together you will be abused and tried to reel back in but I won’t I know one of us will go in end.he’s gas lighted you it’s happened to me and it’s become physical for you aswell
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