New-ish – just getting it all out

[Red1]

I’ve been on here about a week. I’ve read things from women who have suffered much worse than I and survived, also from women similar to myself, we think “but he doesn’t hit me so is it still abusive?” Reading your posts ladies yes it is! I took advice and wrote a lot of stuff down which I feel I want to share. I tried yesterday to tell my friend everything but wasn’t a good time. So please excuse the long looong post but I can’t stop thinking about all this until I get it out…

My “husband”:
Physically rough when “handling” me eg hugging, kissing, but then very light when “jokingly” slapping or kicking my butt, missed my butt and kicked my leg last week! Lightly so you know “it didn’t hurt” The weekend before he gripped me by front of my jacket then had me in a headlock for several seconds, enough that it hurt to swallow for few hours, but he “didn’t realise” it hurt (?!!) Every time he hurts me he tells me it didn’t hurt.
Sexual assault: gropes hard when expecting sex, sulks/stamps/slams door/sarcasm when doesn’t get it. Another one when he feels ‘amorous’ he crawls on top of me wherever I’m sat (he is a foot taller and 4st heavier than me) crushing and hurting, sulks etc if I complain/defend/push away. Has woken me pestering, I tend to stay up late to make sure he’s asleep so I can go bed in peace. First time I’ve said it for what it is: I have been sexually assaulted by my husband.

Demands to spend money on himself- if we are short so I say for example eat in instead of takeaway he threatens to stop paying bills.
Complains about my spending but is OK to plan night out expecting sex afterwards and will more than likely use effort and expense against me WHEN I say no.

Rarely listens, talks over us and our opinions are worth nothing, always wrong unless we agree with him.
Has impossibly high standards and expectations, shouts and has tantrums when not met. Nitpicking, if housework has been done he will quickly hone in on something that needs doing and should have been done already.

House mess: blames kids and me, when we clean or tidy he says it’s not good enough, always complains about dishes but leaves dirty pans to build up making it difficult for us to clean after ourselves, then if he decides to wash them does it very loud banging and crashing – has broken several dishes throwing them into the sink because he’s annoyed that they are not already done. Sarcasm over washing, if girls forget to wash uniforms he shouts, when they are washed makes point of taking credit: “only cause I did it”

Unreasonable demands on my time, complains when I go to work on his time, I should always have a plan of action for the day, relaxing is not included.

Plays dumb, has done for years so I have to take responsibility for bill paying then all of a sudden lately is checking money online wondering loudly why he has none left.

For all his bravado he apparently has no confidence to try driving, failed test so I have to drive him places, and because it’s quicker by car I am responsible for shopping, getting cash out, electricity, gas – any of these things run out it’s my fault.

His back is often too sore to walk to work, or bend to get food out of freezer or cupboard, needs lots of painkillers, but it’s just fine when he wants sex or to start a house project then uh-oh his back plays up so I have to help or it goes unfinished.

He’s mean to the dog, shouts at her for things she can’t understand, used to hit her til I threatened rspca, calls her horrible and winds her up trying to get her to bite him. Says he can’t wait til she dies, “jokingly” says he will take her for a long walk one day and leave her.

Controlling, sulks and throws tantrums to get own way, me and kids constantly considering his mood to avoid triggering an outburst, always on alert, the ever present “eggshells”

Has treated my son as an afterthought, always harder on him, shouting for nothing, sarcastic with every “conversation”. One of my biggest regrets is putting him through this for so many years. Youngest daughter dislikes dad, she has been referred for counselling over her emotional difficulties which has been triggered by his shouting, his domineering attitude towards food ie importance of finishing everything on the plate whether you like it or not and don’t eat so slow etc when she was little has contributed to her troubled eating habits now. His favourite is middle child, nice that they both forget him dropping/throwing her on the floor as a crying toddler but I can’t forget it and I wish I’d left then.

I feel like a terrible mother to have kept on going back/staying, stupid of me to put myself through it but downright neglectful to have allowed this treatment of my kids. 😪 sorry for rambling, thanks for letting me! Red x

[missgiddypants]

Oh dear Red that’s awful trying my best not to sit here and weep for gal ye it,s true we dont think of it as abuse but what he is doing is controlling ,and very nasty towards you ,makes my situation look meek and mild compared to yours ,but I too got told off if cleaning wasn’t done properly and the sexual demands would say you not love me you not want me ,he never went without used to complain when I was on a period what about him even said I had periods on purpose ,gave in to all his demands even having s** with others just to please him ,so he destroyed me when he left me for someone else ,hope you can find the strength to leave him and live a better life ,I live alone now so not have to put up with the sexual demands of anybody
hugs to you x*x

[Red1]

Thank you, I’m done with crying now, am at angry stage which is helping me build up strength while planning for leaving in a few weeks.

We are definitely not alone in this, he too is tormented by the dreaded (welcomed) period that I apparently fake to get out of it! He also says I fake illness too (doc says half of my troubles are triggered by stress, go figure!)
Thank you, and well done for getting out xx

[Serenity]

Hi Red,

In the first bit of what you wrote, I was sure you were talking about my ex- husband!

Yes, the groping, slapping, pinching- all in the name of ‘fun’ of course. But having a bad back because of the force of his whacks isn’t fun, is it ( as I did)?

Bad listener- really not interested at all in others’ take on things- he also had impossibly high standards and ground me into the ground with his demands.

Intolerant of the children, of noise, yet we had to put up with his noise and vulgar habits.

Unlike yours, mine thought he was a whizz at money ( well, he is indeed a crook, I find). He kept his finances secret, monopolised finances, demanded my money and kept me at zero and begrudged me buying anything, even though I worked hard. He thought the kids should survive on nothing too.

After all, what did we need? Being in his royal presence was enough of a prize ( in his head).

Mine was sexually inappropriate too and treated me like a lump of meat.

Don’t feel bad about staying. It’s a trap you get drawn into, a web, what Martha Stout calls ‘spider love.’

It takes time to realise who they are, after the mask had fallen, a lot of pain to work through, then time to disentangle yourself. The shame is all his x

[Janette]

Hi, I am new here and I agreed with everyone in this post. I am at the crying stage as I cannot understand him since I left. He is being so spiteful. I am glad that I am now out. But dreading that he might find me.

[Falling Skys]

Hi Red

Abuse is wrong what ever it is. We are all survivors and thats what matters, and we are use to the abuse that we got so others sounds worse, though others reading this would be shock at what you’ve been through.

I was being abused for decades, we were conditioned and it became the norm.

Keep posting and stay strong

FS xx

[Confused123]

HI HUn

It is abuse, glad u can recognise it slowly, call womens aid and get support to get out

[Winterblues2]

Hi Red,

Don’t be upset with yourself for staying, you made the best choices you could at the time in the situation you were in. You are quite right to be fostering that energy into the plan to leave. We are all here to support you through xx

[Sparkle1]

My Ex used to “jokingly” slap me on the bum so hard that It used to throb for hours but he thought that was funny! He also used to sulk and say I didn’t love him if I didn’t have sex with him every single day and period week was hell because he would sulk for days ! He was very controlling & isolated away from my family & friends etc but I have been away from him for (detail removed by moderator)weeks now I got him out of my house and I still struggle with doubting myself and get support from the lovely ladies on this forum 🙂 I think once you make the decision and plan to leave as much as the journey of getting out and staying out is not easy in the long run it will be worth it xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Red1 so much of your story rang true with me – sorry can’t chat now – but wanted to say I know what it’s like I know what you are going through – and I will message you later – but if you read my post “how did I let this go on for so many years” – you will see how things were for me too……

Luv and best wishes,

M.U.M x*x

[Serenity]

Ah yes, slaps on the bum that were ‘just a joke’ but gave me pain for days after. X*x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi again Red1 – yes I know so many of the ladies on here have been through do much worse than me, and I want to help them but unless you have been through it too it’s hard to find the ‘right words’ to say, or the best advice to give – though I do want to help others.

But I have been on here for sometime now, and check-in daily and see if I’m able to offer support or advice, or sometimes it’s me asking for support and advice from others.
There is always someone here to help when you are low or upset or worried about something.
Often our own friends in the ‘outside world’ just don’t understand how we feel or what we are going through – do that’s why it’s so good to ‘talk’ on here – with friends who DO understand…..

Oh yes well I remember the moods when I didn’t ‘,give him what he wanted’ – and the tension and the atmosphere got worse and worse as the week’s went by if I was able to keep away from him/keep him away from me…..his moods go so bad an he was so nasty to everyone….

I too used to wake in the night with his hands going places I did ñot want them to be – and doing things I didn’t want him to do – he’d keep on and on ’til I could take no more and let him do what he wanted…..
Many a night I’d have to sit up to all hours until I knew he was asleep, and creep ever so quietly in to bed and not move the bed and not make a sound…..

I’d even keep the kids up late so I didn’t have to be alone with him – for I knew if we were alone he would always ‘make a move’ on me.
He hated the kids being around and me spending time with them and not him – he always tried to get them to bed so we were alone – I dreaded being alone with him…..
I used them for protection, and he knew it and he was not nice to them, making them cry…..

I wish I’d of had the courage to get them out sooner than I did – it was not fair on them – I had the power to take them away from all that – but wasn’t brave enough to do it – it was so hard on us all living with him – but it’s over now and we are FREE……..

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