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    • #69232
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      It’s been a really long time since I posted on here. Its is almost a year since I decided to take help that was offered to me. I moved and left everyone. Me and the kids changed names and started new lives.
      It’s sounds great I know. I’m. Sure alot of people wish they could do the same. But I lost everything.. Family and friends that I’m no longer allowed to contact, my career, the towb I was born in….all because if him.
      Some days I don’t want to carry on. I feel like maybe I can give up, so I won’t have to cope withe being this new person. I won’t have to cope with being the one who was raped and nearly killed or with having scars all over me as a reminder. It’s so so hard. I try to fight those thoughts. The voices that echos his and says to me you’re to. Ugly to be raped.
      He’s out of prison now. And living in the place that was my home near the family who thought it was more shameful to say what he did to me and more shameful to end ans arranged marriage than to see the things he did.
      I hope people here can maybe help me keep going. Because I want to for my kids. We aren’t Christian but we have little Christmas things and this was a year without fear.
      I had a lie in yesterday and it reminded me. What he used to do. He used ro punish me by keeping me awake sometimes night after night if I upset him. I would cry with exhaustion and then he would let me go to bed. Once I was a sleep he would have sex with me. Sometimes I cried or I just kept my eyes closed tight
      Sometimes like I’m a non person living someone else life but I want to carry on for my kids. We are safe and we don’t live in fear. There used to be household. Objects I couldn’t even look at because he beat with them. It’s not like that now. Home is safe.
      My new. Job is not as well paid or skilled as before but its OK. Sometimes I. Just feel like I’m failing. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve this new life cos I was the o e who kept staying with him, the one who gave in to pressure from everyone. Idk if anyone can make me feel motivated and like I can keep going

    • #69237
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hello shine bright 2, you so deserve your new life, you’ve been through hell and you’re still here to tell your story, that says a lot for the amount of courage you have. Being in an abusive situation is utterly utterly exhausting. Have you spoken to your doctor and asked to be put forward for trauma counselling? This sounds too big fir you to deal with on your own, did anyone ever suggest victim support to you?

      I wish you the peace and happiness you so deserve, no-one can understand what it’s like to go through this unless they’ve lived with an abuser. Blessings to you and I pray you find the peace you are looking for 💜💜

      IWMB 💕💕

    • #69239
      EbonyRaven
      Participant

      Hi shine bright 2, You’ve done so well to make it out, and get so far along the road. A year isn’t a very long time at all though, and from what you describe of your previous life it’s not surprising that you struggle to come to terms with it all.

      You didn’t deserve any of that treatment, not ever, not for any reason at all. W e stay for so many reasons, and it is so very hard to get out. You did it though. You were so incredibly brave, and you overcame so many obstacles. Your children will be incredibly proud of you when they are adults themselves.

      On top of that you even got a new job. You are so much stronger than you realise. I can’t see any failure at all in what you’ve managed in such a short space of time.

      I agree with Iwantmeback though, you have been through a trauma. It would definitely be worth exploring specialist counselling, or help groups.

      Have a lovely, peaceful and cosy day with the children.

    • #69241
      White Rose
      Participant

      Hi Shine Bright. Your new life is hard but it’s safe and you’re free of the life that so nearly destroyed you. I was thinking about you a few weeks ago hoping you were ok!
      It’s not that long ago you were posting of getting out and building a new life and beating yourself up about it all. You’ve had a tough journey and deserve to have some good in your life. Never doubt yourself you’re strong and a great mum. Life will continue to develop and change for you and your children and memories of your old life will take second place to the new memories you make.
      Remember all those times I nagged you to believe in yourself? Well I can do it all again if you can stand it, but I really don’t think you need it anymore. You’re a successful independent survivor and you have to be one of the strongest bravest toughest women on here and I just want to send you an enormous hug!
      Keep shining bright lovely lady, you and your children deserve your freedom xxxxx

    • #69253
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Hi all,
      Thank you for your kind words. It is nice to hear kind things. The police who helped us move are kind, but they are more used to dealing with people in gangs and things.
      I feel so guilty to moan when other people can’t even get places in refuges. But I had to change everything cos of him.
      Sometimes I feel guilty that I got this help. I think it was because they fear the scandal of an honor killing. Sometimes I hate my own background. Since we moved I don’t see people from my background d or talk my language… I’m too scared. Sometimes I feel like it is to blame. My dad didn’t hit my mum, but the she was a “good wife” she slept after him and woke before him. She served his friends without being noticeable and she never raised her voice… A perfect wife. I tried to be like that. I started wearing the face veil cos I thought it would please him and lots of other stuff to try and make thing smooth.

      Idk I feel guilty that I’m not perfect when I got so much help. I had a psychotic episode because I want sleeping. He was a corpse in my cupboard and he came back to life to take revenge.
      As a result have been seeing a psychologist but it Bot really helping… I don’t know what is the difference between a psychologist and a councellor.. Would that be better.

      Things have got me down. I had a incident when someone went in my back garden. They left a pile of cigarette ends and took my recycle bag. It freaked me out so much. Thought he was after me again, that he found me. Police said not possible. But I was so afraid. Then a while after I went to GP I wanted to know if. They can so surgery to get rid of scars he made, but he said not really. Not on NHS and it would be very difficult. I cried and cried. The kids were worried about me. That’s when I thought about ending things because I can’t get rid of his marks. I use bio oil and things but I just wanted them gone. I often wear Leggings and a long top or dress. I can feel them through my. Clothes. I hate them.
      Ahh yes white rose I do remember. You gave so much encouragemwnt/nagging.. Haha. But I think there were a lot of people rooting for me but not really believing that I could do it or at least fearing that I couldn’t. I know I brought shame on everyone but I had to get away.
      I remember very clearly when he found me and raped. Me. As punishment and I as afraid I would be pregnant again. I was terrified there would be another baby and I wa too scared to do. The test. It qa people here who kept me going and made me face things.
      I don’t know why I feel to blame or why I feel I should be destroyed. Maybe its just a blip or something.

    • #69254
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Oh my dear friend, I wish I could give you a real hug😌 you have been so brave. The word honourable is thrown about far too often. So long as women do the honourable thing, for their men. It’s all about men. You have been through such a traumatic experience, that is why I think you need a trauma councellor,not just a psychologist, someone who knows about PTSD.
      NEVER feel guilty for escaping, for looking out for yourself and your children. YOU are important in this world, every bit as important as a man. I’m so sorry you can’t have anyone around from your culture, that must be extremely difficult to accept, but how can we trust snyone after what we go through. We trust everyone on here, because we are anonymous, but I know I’d we meet anyone from here, we’d be safe but also we’ve learned behaviour from our abusers so who knows how we’d/ we’ll treat others in the future?
      Bio oil is very good, have you tried aloe Vera as well. It depends on how do your scars are, some may take years to fade, but they will never fade totally, they’re inside our heads too.
      On not being perfect, yes you are, you are the perfect role model for your children.🙂
      Take heart my friend, you have walked a very long hard road, your new life is anything you want it to be. 💜💜

      IWMB 💕💕

    • #69258
      KIP.
      Participant

      You only look back to see how far you have come….. and you have come such a long way. Look at your scars and see how much you have survived. Not how you got them. Wear them with pride. Warrior Queen. He didn’t destroy you then and he wont destroy you now. You’re still on the rollercoaster ride of recovery but you will get there. Enjoy the highs and ride out the lows. Sending you hugs and strength. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

    • #69259
      KIP.
      Participant

      On a practical note. Write down three positive thing you achieve each day. It helps to prevent you slipping back into despair. Mine today would be, went to supermarket and got shopping, got up early and showered, and came on here to offer advice. Not in that order lol. However it keeps you positive x we need to constantly work on our mental health x

    • #69261
      KIP.
      Participant

      I’ve started another thread with the bill of rights for Women. I keep it on my fridge lol. Have a good read x

    • #69265

      Will join the other ladies to say how proud I am and how much I value your words and your postings here. Each one of us has a different journey, and are at different points on the road. There will be ups and downs. It is very early days. A year out for me and I couldn’t post here and didn’t even know it existed.

      I didn’t change my name but I am not out there in a way I used to be. Still have that bridge to cross.

      You are indeed a Warrior Queen, with your battle scars. Maybe some of us remember that book called ‘Women Who run with the Wolves’ in it the writer talks about wearing her scars proudly like a beautiful coat. Not so easy I know and maybe a long journey.

      Leaving behind those who did not and do not support you in your journey will get easier with time. You have the kind of ‘honour’ that they will never have.

      Well done you for working.

      Each day idea of three things helps many of us. Be very kind to yourself and keep posting.

      all best
      ftc
      x

    • #69316
      Aria
      Participant

      Hi Shine Bright 2! You are SO strong and courageous even if you can’t see it! It might sound silly but maybe each day looking in the mirror and telling yourself positive things about yourself like ‘I am strong, I am beautiful, I am worthy’ and things like that can really help. You might not believe them yet but it can help to slowly rewire your brain from what you’ve constantly been told by your abuser, because everything he’s told you are lies and you need to know it!
      You ARE amazing and strong even if you don’t feel it. I know there can be days that feel like there’s no point in carrying on and you have no idea how you’re meant to keep going but just know there will be good times to come. It will get easier slowly. Focus on yourself and your children. Focus on the future and any aspirations you want to achieve. Tell yourself this year is YOUR year not his. Any thoughts you have about him, acknowledge it and then discard it, don’t fixate on it and find things that lift your spirits (I know that’s d**n hard as I myself am going through this phase too but it’s not completely impossible!) Also remind yourself that it’s ok to not be ok. If you need to cry then cry, allow yourself to express your emotions but try to find something to raise your spirits afterwards so your not fixating on how bad you feel afterwards. And definitely look into councilling for trauma.
      Thinking of you, I know you can get through this because you’ve already come so far! You’re so brave and courageous xx

    • #69318
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Thanks so much everyone. I just seem to ha e hit a massive wobble. I think perhaps now all the drama and attention has died down and I am on my own it all feels a bit scarey. I guess it has also meant that I can reflect a bit and feel angry both at myself and him and our families.
      So much good advise. Thank you.
      I think it might be a while til I can see scars as anything but a kind of branding.I used to get angry and self harm to try and get rid of them. I don’t now.
      I don’t know the bill of rights for women KIP.. But sounds like a very good thing.
      Is anyone able to explain to me the difference between a psychologist a psychiatrist and a councellor. I was given psychologist as part of. Whole new name new identity thing and again when I was seen my the crisis mental health team. What’s the difference in what they do?
      Thanks again everyone for keeping me going.

    • #69323
      Autumnique
      Participant

      Hi shine bright 2.a psychologist is more to look into environmental issues a person has which can make them how they are. A psychatirist will look for medical issues like mental health problems. Genetic etc A counsellor is someone who’s trained to give support and someone you can talk to about how you feel and make you feel better. My heart goes out to you. You have been through so much and been so brave. Not fair that you had to leave everything behave all because of this man!it’s going to take time for you to feel anywhere normal again. But you will do it xx

    • #69324
      Daisy
      Participant

      Shiny, you are brave, and strong and an inspirational mum who put a stop to‘a hell of a lot’ despite the fear and against the blinkered , blindness shown to you by others. You never felt you were strong enough but we saw your strength, and you did it. Your children are truly blessed with a different much better life now. There will be wobbles and lows, it’s still early days and it’s understandable for you to mourn what you have lost along the way. It is hard to accept and wrong when victims lose their homes and familiarity, their friends and family and the abusers keep that, but it had to be, it’s fight or flight , with flight being the only safe option in extreme cases as yours truly was.you are scarred but you survived. Keep going with the bio oil, the scars and the painful past will fade,it truly will but it does take time. I guess the children have moved on from unicorns and rainbows but I will always remember your inner inspiring strength even when things were so bad. X x x

    • #69326
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Hang in there.
      You have been so incredibly brave. You will see this through.
      Regarding the scars: If they hurt you, cause you restrictions in movement and/or mental health issues the NHS can pay for their correction.
      Let a plastic surgeon review them. The GP does not have the last word in this.
      Stay strong. Things will get easier over time. xx

    • #69328
      Apricotpoppy
      Participant

      Hi Shine Bright, you are very strong to have get out to take a new identity and give your children a new beginning in life. And to keep working. Coming up to anniversaries of leaving can be hard.
      All the best x

    • #69342
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Sorry if I’m talking too much..
      thanks for the lovely words of encouragement.Thwy mean alot. Feeling properly sorry for myself atm. Don’t even know why. Christmas maybe. It feels very lonely. Just me and the kids. I am allowds to see o e person from old life. But it involves.neeting somewhere random and us and our kid being driven their. It’s good that they help us do this but weird.
      It’s just me and the kids right now. It is different here cos very few people who are not white. We had nice days together and we the kids and presents even though we are not Christian. Eid (our Xmas) tends to be new clothes so get the other stuff at Xmas.
      Yeah daisy they are a bit past rainbkws and unicorns now although youngest still lives in her own little worlds sometimes.
      They are the thing that I a m proud of. The o ly thing really. They are happy and smart. They are not like me… Which is good. Sometimes they think. It’s funny that I’m afraid of everything but they also understand.

      The scars don’t really stop everyday activity although they can feel tight sometimes. I think it’s more the way they look and feel and the psychological effect. The worst thing was that he used to trace his fingers over them. I would hold. My breath when he did that. I don’t know why… Just remembering I guess.
      Can I see a Plastic surgeon if the GP says no. I dont know how I would, do that. I was talking to police man, about it and he was saying its. Not like a miracle that’s suddenly going to make u feel OK. I do get that, but it would be nice not to be. Reminded so much.
      This is probably so stupid but can they even do it on your back side? Legs and back yes, but for some reason I’m not sure they could do that. I. Also not sure that I could cope with having lots of lots of people see. It seems humiliating even though it would be medical people.

      Does anyone have any experience of this sort of thing?
      Best wishes and thanks to all.

    • #69343
      Autumnique
      Participant

      Shine I know why you are feeling sorry for yourself because you have been through sheer hell! And as for you not being smart like your children you are extremely smart! You got out under very difficult circumstances. I used to be a (detail removed by Moderator) for 2 ladies who had been in very abusive arrange marriages and everyday I saw what it had done to them. I and I know everyone who reads your post are really in awe of you. I think you are amazing! Xx

    • #69430
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Thank you. I read these when waiting for universal credit appointment. Always worked and never had to claim anything but wages are much lower now. Felt like I was going to burst into tears. It was horrible. It’s taken this long to get new documents and things to be able to work. These posts cheered me up. 😀

    • #69451
      KIP.
      Participant

      You can see a plastic surgeon privately. Obviously when you’re back on your feet but it would give you something to aim for. By the time you save up enough money, you may feel much differently about the scars but it’s something to aim for. There also may be some charities that will pay for it. Try speaking to Victim Support. Well done for keeping the appointment. That’s something impossible early on. Now you’re taking control.

    • #69508
      shine bright 2
      Participant

      Thanks KIP. I have thought about trying to go private. Hadn’t thought about seeing if any charity could help, but you never know. Sometimes it’s surprising what’s available. Could try and save… A goal I guess, though not sure I could save that much. Going to look into it all. Could go back to. GP as well and pester a bit.

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