New – living apart but still entangled by kids

[Mamah]

Hi everyone.

I just wanted to say hello. I no longer live with my ex but he was coercive and controlling from the start of our (removed by moderator) year relationship and remains so now. We have been apart for (removed by moderator) years now but he has taken my children and I have lost my job, my home and my friends.

But this isn’t a negative story. I have had my life back in so many ways since I left. It was hurculean and I have PTSD from all the trauma but I still never regret the decision to go.

I often forget this, but my independence gives me some chance at perspective. I’ve met people outside of the relationship who have contradicted the beliefs he gave me about myself. Their puzzlement is so therapeutic. I’ve not got the life I want, but I have many ways to self-care now. I can even have a bath and get my hair cut how I want.

The hardest thing to bear is the influence he has over the children. I have therapy and a few good friends to support me with that. But honestly, even when he has tried to separate us and poison them against me it never sticks – they are older and they know I love them and that’s all that matters. He can’t ever undo that for long.

I guess what I’m saying is it’s hard to accept that I can’t stop him being like this, or even from hurting me and the children. But now that I am not his wife and partner, I can put distance between his behaviour and make choices about my own. It might not sound like a lot, but it is giving me a sense of self and of common sense that I could never have had when we were together.

I know that getting out isn’t easy and I understand I will never really be ‘out’ from his control. But even though I’m single, I’m damaged, I’m diminished and I’m so so so so angry, I’m still better off not being in that relationship.

I came here because I was struggling with some things and immediately read the posts of other women that made me freeze, remembering how I used to feel, how the confusion gets inside. So I’m going to stay for a bit because one of the things I’m at risk of is forgetting. Forgetting is dangerous. It means I might not give myself the care I need or forgive myself when I can’t cope with things others can.

OK … Much love to everyone and all of your on your journeys. I hope these words help someone somewhere find strength – I know I found courage in the words of others when I needed it most in a forum just like this.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there welcome to the forum. Yes it’s so true, we forget just how bad it was when there’s been less contact, or years . It’s lovely to hear that life is better fir you, as it can be fir all of us. So thank you for your post and you’re welcome to stay as long as you like. We’ve a post running, Sanctuary garden, it’s where we go to just be us,, kids are very welcome as are animals. You can bake, listen to music, run yourself a bath, do absolutely anything you want.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Soulsearcher18]

Thanks Mamah,
I’m new to the forum and just found your post.
I needed to hear what you said, it has brought me to tears because it has struck a chord but was also comforting to read.
Women like me need survivors like you to share their experiences. It helps more that you could know to learn that life goes on whatever happens.
Thank you again and all the very best to you.

Soulsearcher18 xx

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