19th November 2021 at 10:16 am #134260
I have started reading all of your posts over the pat few days and i am finding so many similaritie sbetween your situations and mine.
I am going to copy below a letter i have sterted to write to my husband below. I would really like your opinions on whether this is abuse – when i try to talk to him about it – he laways turns it round and it is either mine or one of our daughters faults.
This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write down but I really feel that I need to let you know how I feel. I have tried to tell you but you don’t seem to be listening to me.
For the past (detail removed by moderator) you have told me that you want to leave me. Can you imagine how that makes me feel.
During these (detail removed by moderator) you have constantly pulled me up using words like I am (detail removed by moderator). This happens virtually every day. My self-confidence is at an all time low as you can understand from these constant put me downs. I feel like I can never do anything right and I am now starting to not to want to do things as I know I will be told that it isn’t good enough.
At the same time as this, I never know what mood you will be in – I am constantly on edge waiting to see what you mood you will be in. Little things seem to set you off and you will end up shouting or screaming at me or just going on and on. You don’t seem to be able to regulate your emotions at all. I feel like I am constantly tiptoeing around you for fear of an outburst. An example of this is (detail removed by moderator) – shouting, screaming, driving to fast for what i feel was the tiniest of comments .
I don’t seem to be allowed to have an opinion on something at the moment if it is different to yours. A little example is that I was (detail removed by moderator) and you would not let me. This has happened on numerous occasions. Everything now has to be on your terms.
You now seem to be jealous of our daughter and seem to be starting to do the same with her. You do constantly put her down too and I know she feels that she can’t do anything right. That is why I speak up for her more than I would do normally but I can’t let you make her feel the way I feel now.
19th November 2021 at 10:38 am #134263BananaboatParticipant
Hi, and welcome. I’m sorry you’re here. Having read your letter yes my lovely, you are experiencing abuse. You are walking on eggshells around him. It’s built over time and as you recognise his target is now your daughter too – been there! Lundy Bancroft’s book is fantastic if you haven’t read it yet and really makes you think about all the small stuff that adds up like the car seat, the holidays etc. Are you planning on giving him the letter? And if so, what outcome are you hoping for? The reason I ask is because you are highly unlikely to get a positive outcome with these men.x
19th November 2021 at 10:49 am #134266
Thank you Banana boat for your reply.i was planning on giving him the letter but I am not sure now what it would achieve. He is going away this weekend and I am so relieved that I have a weekend off! I will order the book now. Thank you .
Until I read all the info on this site…I did think it was me.
19th November 2021 at 10:52 am #134268EyesopeningParticipant
I wrote so many letters like this, actually they were just notes on my phone that I never showed him. I had tried showing him at the start. But over time I realized it was pointless so just wrote these things to myself, to get them out.
Why should you have to tell someone how to treat you with respect? Why should you need to teach them how to treat you with love and care?
Because they know how, they choose to behave like this.
He is abusive without a doubt. Keep reading, researching, posting.
19th November 2021 at 12:14 pm #134272
Thank you Eyes opening x
20th November 2021 at 11:08 am #134324SingleMomSurvivorParticipant
I wrote my abusive ex a letter and gave it to him to read. This was back when we were still together. I told him many of the same things you’ve written in your letter. You know how he responded? Not with kindness or compassion but with anger and annoyance that I dare be hurt by any of his behaviors. He then used the letter against me, as “evidence” that I was too sensitive, making a big deal out of nothing & that I was supposedly ruining our relationship by wasting time talking about his behaviors. He also of course denied that he was actually engaging in any of the behaviors I outlined in the letter & he started gaslighting me. His abuse escalated after I gave him the letter.
The thing I ultimately realized is that my ex was completely aware of his behavior. He was completely aware of how his abuse was breaking me down and how it was affecting me. He was completely aware of how mean he was being. Despite knowing all of that he CHOSE to continue being abusive to me. I think a lot of us believe for a long time that if we can just get them to understand what they are doing to us then they will stop & change their behaviors. The thing is, they already know what they are doing to us and they like doing it. My ex never abused, cursed out or hit his boss or family members. He knew the difference between right & wrong behavior. He was capable of being kind towards people. He just chose not to be kind to me. It’s not a lack of awareness that causes these men to be abusive. They are fully aware of what they are doing & feel justified in doing it.
20th November 2021 at 3:26 pm #134336EyesopeningParticipant
I think thats well said Singlemonsurvivor, the hardest thing is to accept this. I have been out for a while. Its still hard to accept that someone who is supposed to love you doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Its what makes cognitive dissonance. Two opposing contradicting thoughts. Its just so hard to believe. Its painful to process.
We will get there in the end, i think for me most importantly was learning that the only love we need is the love we have for ourselves. To stop hoping for their love and care in return and just focus on myself x*x
20th November 2021 at 3:34 pm #134338
Thank you Singlemom and Eyesopening for your thoughts. I am so interested to read them. I am so enjoying my weekend off. I don’t feel nervous or tense today which is great as I don’t have to worry about what I will do next to annoy him today.
I read somewhere on here that if someone at work or a friend called you a name or belittled you, you would not accept it. I can’t believe I have accepted this for so long. X
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