New member Help needed

[Honeysuckle]

Hi honeysuckle here I’m (age removed by moderator),disabled and married (details removed by moderator) yrs . He was there in the (detail removed by moderator) during 1st marriage . i am 2nd wife.

My 1st husband and I married in (year removed by moderator) . we had 3 children , girls all in their (age range removed by moderator) now . He belittled me smoked dope etc so in (year removed by moderator) I got my decree absolute finally . He had lived in the same house for (detail removed by moderator) months

I said I would never marry again but (detail removed by moderator) yrs later I met husband #2 .
This one was a real gent but (detail removed by moderator) months into the relationship he asked me to marry I said ” no”
Still didn’t trust and was so cautious .

In (year removed by moderator) he proposed (detail removed by moderator) -didn’t see that coming . By that time I was starting to become poorly going in and of hospital with illness but still working -start of controlling or abusing do you think ? In (year removed by moderator) came out of hospital to find he had not been going to work properly hiding bills credit and debit cards and red letters. He got us into serious debt. I was totally unaware.
By end (year removed by moderator) I had got very unwell as I had to go into hospital for (detail removed by moderator) . when I came out no longer able to work became disabled with long list of complex illnesses not able to drive and he has been my carer controlling my life .

There are times he gets jealous when other men look at me ,he intimidates me when he can’t come into the Drs with me. He has thrown things across the room. He also makes me pay him back for drinks in a cafe ,going to supermarket for clothes out of my disability money even though we have joint money !!

The last 2 yrs I have seen my local Women’s aid . This week tgey have closed my case as they can no longer help. Tgey do not understand about his mood swings withPTSD me walking on egg shells and that I can’t just walk out the door due to falls. They tell me to leave but daily I’m stuck indoors unless my carer or he takes me out.

I feel let down

In (month removed by moderator) I had a mini stroke due to the stress from him

End of (month removed by moderator) I had an incidence where I pressed a quiet alarm for the Police to come . It took 3 hours .When they arrived I was told ” its only a minor issue,I have been to worse” The Police are reluctant to help as they think I’m doing it for a divorce

I am saying I want help for my safety

Today a solicitor I asked for help 5 months ago are still waiting a letter from women’s aid for legal aid think I want support from them but have told them I just want legal advice to get sorted and take this to a divorce but need to know if I have enough evidence

My other agencies that look after me all keep saying go to Women’s Aid to fob me off including GP

I have started with depression as totally scared by him and no one wants to do anything until I’m injured or worse.

I have asked him to leave our council flat -joint tenants he won’t . my girls won’t see me as they don’t like him.

I have no one except neighbours so want to stay in the area where I live.At least I would have someone I knew if I went else where I would become more isolated.I could also stay with the health services who know all my health issues too.

I have opened a bank account but my name is on the local housing list if just in case in the end I had to move but a very long wait even for DV clients too apparently.

Can anyone tell me how to get people to take me seriously?
Is this all my fault ?
I have stopped being assertive and trying to stand up for myself it makes him worse . I have to “fall in” like being in the army and not to contradict him. I now keep quiet say nothing as so afraid of him.
So yesterday I just felt if only I could walk out of this house on my own I would just walk away.

I so wish it was that easy .
I so hate fibromyalgia, menieres, absences, osteoarthritis to name just a few.

[KIP.]

Hi there, have you tried Rights for Women for free legal advice? Can you afford to rent privately in the same area? (Detail removed by moderator). If he has PTSD from his army days then perhaps contact the Army as they may have counselling available for you as a spouse and can perhaps in other ways. Sadly I believe he is going nowhere. Why should he. He can stay where he is and enjoy the sense of control and power he has over you. It really is upto you now to move because he is going nowhere. I think there was something recently on the news about joint tenancy and the abuser being removed from the tenancy if it’s unsafe so maybe explore that avenue. Meantime keep a record of the abuse. Keep a journal as you will need to evidence his behaviour. Which is only going to get worse.

[Lisa]

Hi Honeysuckle,

Thank you for posting and welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a helpful place to be. First, none of this is your fault, the only fault lies with the person choosing to be abusive.

Please consider calling the 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247 when it’s safe for you to do so. They can talk through your situation, and perhaps look for alternative local support or other organisations that may be helpful to you. I appreciate that your personal circumstances make it difficult for you to leave, however there are always options and the helpline can talk through these with you.
Do you have a social worker you are in contact with?

As KIP says the Rights of Women provide excellent free legal advice and information, and they have A Guide to Divorce you could read through.

Kind regards and post when you can,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Honeysuckle

I can’t stop thinking about your plight, being so dependent on someone who is abusing you, and denied further help after being told to leave!

How invalidating and what pressure. I really don’t understand the issue with gathering evidence for divorce. Surely that’s a great thing to do, why would that be a reason to stop supporting you.

I’m so sorry to hear you feel so trapped and unable to just get up and walk out, something most can take for granted.

You so desperately need your own control in your life. I remember walking on the other side of a road from a guy pushing his wife in a wheelchair and he was clearly being aggressive in tone and mner and as he went behind a car I heard her squeal, I stopped and checked back and he had turned to look, like as if someone might have heard, went all smiley at me and walked on. I always wish there was something I could have done.

Why I feel so much for your position knowing how much more vulnerable that makes you.

I do really hope you can manage to come back and post to let us know how you are getting on.

Sending you hugs and strength to keep posting and taking even the smallest steps to make a difference to your freedom from him.

Warmest wishes ts

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Honeysuckle, my heart goes out to you. These men are such callous b’s. Some of your illnesses can be attributed to constant stress and anxiety. I too suffer from menieres, chronic pain( caused by long ago accidents ), chronic cluster migraines, pins and needles to extremities and one side of face. The list goes on and on. It will take time for health services to really associate DA with these illnesses, just a case of continually improving communication and education. I hope you continue posting on here. Just knowing there are others who are going through the exact same sh.. can help let you know you aren’t alone. Take heart my lovely, I’m trying to hear i instead of you when he shouts and blames me, its not much But It might help you to cope.
IWMB 💕💕

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