New & need someplace to vent

[deathangel]

I am new to this forum, but not new to abuse. So why do I stay? I keep thinking, it will get better and it does, for a while. Sometimes days, sometimes hours. But the abuse still exists, still repeats itself, still comes back and still upsets me and still I keep on keeping on. Why do we do this to ourselves? Fear of the unknown? No, I have been married, divorced and in other relationships. I have been single for many years between relationships. I have worked on myself, I know I deserve better.

My mother died ages ago, so I have nowhere to speak these things (my children are tired of hearing the same old same and seeing the same old same occuring), nowhere to vent/rant/clear my head of all the negative, horrible things that swirl about in there. My father was verbally and physically abusive to my brother and I when we were younger, so he is not going to be the one I turn to about these things. So I have come here.

My boyfriend does not physically abuse me. He has grabbed his daughter by the throat, then punched and (detail removed by moderator), thrown things in anger (detail removed by moderator), threatened my daughter’s boyfriend with physical harm, got in his son’s face, threatened him with physical harm, teased, embarrassed, pushed, prodded my son (who told him to get out of his room), bellowed at me and my son, verbally abused most of us. I get the brunt of it all, though. He has two adult children by his previous relationship, I have two (detail removed by moderator) by mine, all living with us. We have both been married before. I will not get married again.

All the rules that apply to us (don’t shout and swear, don’t go on, don’t leave stuff lying round, tidy up, blah blah blah) do not apply to him. He diminishes everyone else’s worth, except his own. Trouble is, he has mental heath issues, is on medication, has a couple of physical health issues now and these are all used as excuses, or have been in the past, for his terrible behaviour. His past turmoil (his father used to throw things around and yell and shout, all because of his mother, or so he says, he was neglected as a child, his mother never hugged him, etc) which caused his depression/mental state, is to blame for the cheating, lying, paranoia, rejection of me, verbal abuse, physical abuse towards his ex-wife and her partner.

So no physical abuse towards me (apart from aggressive tickling, not stopping when I ask him to and “jokingly” threatening to punch my face in with no provocation) and he keeps reminding me he has not laid a finger on me. Well, physical abuse is not the only abuse that scars, damages, makes the other person feel like their whole world has/is gone to poop. Makes them act defensively, just about every time the abuser opens their mouth. He doles out the silent treatment, rages for hours on end sometimes (the aftermath can last days) disappears without telling anyone where he is going, demeans what I say, speaks for me, makes decisions for me, accidentally spends our joint account money on personal stuff. Coerces me to do stuff I don’t want to do. Lies, oh the lies…tells me he is skint when he has a sunstantial amount saved up, lies about small stuff, big stuff, compulsively feels the need to be untruthful. Oh yeah, I make him lie because I ask too many questions. No, you choose to lie, buster and I do not trust you. Because of what you have done/said/not done…

Sorry for the long post. It has been a long time coming.

Hello everyone!

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Welcome to site, that was well due to be let out, how dare he speaks to u and your children like that and jokingly pretend his going to punch u in the face. im sorry if he was neglected as a chidl but that does not excuse him to repeat. Please get help by callign womensaid and look for a way out of this relationship, it has red flags spelt everywhere. what he is doing is totally wrong, emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad, he has no right to scare or imitade u and the children. I was the same thinking it’s not physical yet so not that bad , when it did geet physcial i stillcouldnt lave, they drain us out emotionally, please seek help for yourself

[Lisa]

Hi deathangel,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to read what you are going through; you have explained psychological abuse, coercive control and threatening behaviour, which is just as serious as physical abuse. There are many valid reasons why you and other survivors stay in abusive situations and we all understand how difficult it is to separate from an abuser.

You mentioned your partner’s mental health; it is the belief of Women’s Aid that mental health conditions do not cause domestic abuse, neither does growing up in an abusive home. As you say, these are excuses. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner. It is your partner’s responsibility to seek out support to manage his mental illness and be accountable for his abusive behaviour. If your partner is not owning up to his actions, is not admitting to how much he’s hurting you, and is not seeking out professional help then that’s a sign he isn’t willing to change. This is when abuse escalates, which it sounds like it is for you.

I’m pleased to read that you know you deserve better and with time I’m sure you will get there. You’re in the right place here for support. Please consider starting your own topic in one of the other forums, as this one doesn’t always get seen as much.

Keep posting,

Lisa

[deathangel]

Thanks for the replies, I did read them and will be back to read them again. It all just hurts so much. All I want is validation at the moment. I know what I feel is real, but when others speak of similar stuff, then I don’t feel so alone. Is it wrong to wish ill of someone who has harmed you emotionally for a long time? I have nightmares about fighting/arguing and then me more than standing up to it sometimes, actually physically hurting him. I know these are dreams, but I feel bad that I can feel such violence towards someone, even if it is subconscious, they scare me. I often end up crying, screaming or shouting. Hardly any good dreams, just horrible continuations of what real life is like. No rest. I have filled a section of a note book venting. I just want it to stop. I know what I have to do and have made plans to do so several times. We have financial ties, I do not know where I could afford to live, I gave up my social housing rental years ago to move in to this cluster-eff. Single mom again with two children. Why did I not do this sooner, that time when he freaked out because my son was ill and I could not help him clear up the puke in his mother’s bed (tending to my son)? Racging thoughts, no one to speak to…bah!

[Author]

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