New, nervous and needing to leave

[Blankface]

I guess it makes sense to start from the beginning. I’ve never really spoken to anyone properly about the relationship.

Do you ever look back at the things that happened with your “partner” and think who was I back then?

I actually thought he was pretty amazing when we first met. He had (removed by moderator) years on me and the first time I was with an older guy.

There were red flags early in the relationship. Went through my phone multiple times (even remotely) just to see what I was saying about him, if I was talking to anyone else. I thought I could be open and honest with him. I told him about my exes, that later came to haunt me a year into our relationship.

I still don’t understand what really peaked his suspicions when it came to me but soon after it was constant accusations of cheating with exes, neighbours literally people I barely spoke to or knew.

I had to do “rankings” of the people I’d been with. Everyday being asked the same question, everyday being subjected to some kind of test. He even pretended to be me and texted my exes to “get the truth” I don’t think I’d ever been that broken in my life.

He’s good at using my weaknesses against me. When he did start hitting me I honestly didn’t know what to make of it. It was being in a constant stunned silence.

He’d threaten to kill me and my family. He threatened to “expose” me. By that time, when the beatings became a weekly event I made myself numb so I wouldn’t feel anything, in exchange, he turned up the heat.
Locked me in the bedroom all day (out of fear that I would kill myself). Confiscated my phone as I was also accused of secretly texting my friends.

It wasn’t always bad, he’d come back crying apologising, blaming it on childhood abuse and previous relationships. Literally jumping between Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
I fell in love with one personality and was completely petrified of the other.

I had lost so much weight I was a couple of pounds away from being admitted to an anorexia clinic. I put makeup on black eyes and had to act like it was all ok.
I really did want to commit suicide by that point. There was no boundary he didn’t cross whether it was sexually, physically, mentally, financially etc.

I didn’t think anyone would believe me, he’s such an exceptional liar. When I “left” the first time I didn’t speak for two days, I just cried. (removed by moderator) months into trying to move on with my life we get back in contact. I know now how much of a mistake that was.

Even then I thought to myself, we’ve been apart for (removed by moderator) there’s no doubt he’s probably thinking I’ve been with someone. He wrote long letters, begged and swore he changed. Things were going to be different this time.

I thought I could deal with it better the second time round for some reason despite everyone’s warnings. It took him about a month after I had moved back to go snooping through my phone again. Then the accusations. A year later we were abroad and he hit me again. (removed by moderator)

I still took him back. I don’t know what’s worse sometimes. The beatings, the cruel words he uses when he gets in a state or the ways he tries to manipulate me.

I’ve become so dependent on him he knows how to use that against me. Threatens to kick me out or to call social services on me.
I’ve tried so many times to make him aware of the things he’s done me. He’ll either act like it never happened or he “blanked out@

He’ll use my medical history against me, act like he’s done nothing but look after me and I’m the ungrateful, passive aggressive partner that no one would put up with but only cos he loves me so much that he’s still with me.

The last time he hit me was earlier this year after my birthday. My lip got busted open, my eye was swollen. I fought back this time. I took pictures but he made me delete them.

It’s a constant vicious cycle that I can’t take anymore. He can sense that I want to leave. He’ll either try and convince me that I won’t have much of a life without him if I go into housing, that I need to get help with my mental health issues. Or he’ll act like he wants me to go, threaten to call social services, says I’m abusing him…

I’m at my wits end. I know I have to leave for my own good. I’m scared I’ll admit it but I can’t live like this any longer.

If you’ve gotten this far, thanks for reading. I have no one to talk to so this is my outlet…
Sometimes I try to convince myself that maybe this might not be abuse but it’s hard to when you read articles and stories and they all seem to hit so close to home.

[Same-again]

Hello my dear and welcome.

You sound at your wits end my dear, I wish I could give you a real hug and let you cry on my shoulder.

I am crying now after reading your post.

It is abuse and you know already and as you say, you can’t live like this any longer.

Think about this sweetheart, how can it be any worse than what you have now?

Please reach out for support. The Police or your GP or women’s aid. Reach out and let someone give you a helping hand.

I am sending you a big, big hug. xxxx

[Blankface]

Thank you so much. I’m scared to reach out because I went back to him. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve help, like I got myself into this mess.

To be honest I’ve been feeling ashamed to talk about it that’s why I came on here.

Appreciate the hugs! X

[Eggshells]

Hi Blankface, welcome to the forum. I’m glad you found us, this sounds like an awful situation for you.

Well done for reaching out for help. This is the first step to getting away. It’s really important that you don’t let him know that you want to leave. It could be very dangerous for you.

It sounds like you need to act quite quickly, as you may be in quite a high risk situation at the moment.

If you can get out of the house tomorrow, please try to get to a Boots. They will be able to provide you with a safe room where you can call for help. Don’t use your own phone to call. In fact, it is problably best to leave your phone at home so that you can’t be tracked. Numbers and a phone should be provided in the safe room. If not please ask them to help you with numbers and a phone. If you’re scared to ask for help, please start with Women’s Aid. They’ll talk you though what you need to do next.

I’m not suggesting that you leave tomorrow so please don’t panic. I’m just suggesting that you get to a place where you can call someone, without fear of being found out.

Your first steps to accessing help can seem very scary but you’ve already taken the first step by posting on here. There are lots of ladies on this forum sending you strength and love. Please keep that knowledge close to you and please stay in touch. xx

[Same-again]

Hello again,

Just wanted to say in relation to the going back bit, that’s normal. On average an abused women leaves/goes back 7 times. Yup.

So really, you have nothing to be ashamed of. That shame is false and unjustified. If someone repeatedly belittles you it chips away at your core, your feeling of self worth. In comes shame. Reject that shame, it is a product of his abuse. Truly, YOU have nothing to be ashamed about.

Just saying 🙂

[Blankface]

Hi

@Eggshells @Same-again

You guys are wonderful. I left today. My heart feels heavy, I can’t stop crying. Feeling a lot of mixed emotions.

Thank you for the kind words helping me a lot these days

[Twinkle2020]

Hi, I am new here. I thought I survived but turns out I am still surviving. Confused and nervous I find myself reading my first post.

You are so brave blankface. I envy your courage. Everyone deserves help. Please try to refrain from blaming yourself. There is nothing about your situation that is justifiable or OK. I won’t pretend like I know what you should do, I’m stuck myself but please, be strong, trust yourself and the path you are on. For you to be here, your heart is leading you in the right place.

Please stay Safe x x x

[Author]

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