6th February 2019 at 10:40 pm #71945lemoncupParticipant
I met a wonderful man months after my abusive husband left me for another woman.
It started out great, we instantly connected and could relate to one another, he was fairly new out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I have been incredibly stressed lately and depressed; in the few months of dating each other i was up and down. I called it off several times, I didn’t know if I could handle the distance as well as a few other things but he assured me that he would help me through it.
We hastily decided to end it after the ‘baby talk’, we thought we wanted different things. After a lot of thought we realised that actually we want the same thing but it’s too late. That day I sent a few abrupt messages some saying how I felt and one heat of the moment message which I instantly apologised for and regret. He replied by accusing me of being abusive like his ex which hurts. He has since retracted this but it’s stuck in my head, I was physically and mentally abused for many years so to think that I’m abusive is killing me.
After a lot of to-ing end fro-ing we decided that we both weren’t ready and had to work on our selves, he was also afraid that I would flip out at any time. He said ‘it’s possible’ to reconcile when we’re both ready. Whatever that means.
The truth is I haven’t been myself lately, I’ve been sharp with everyone around me, I feel like I’m going to have a break down with everything going on. Normally I wouldn’t say boo to a goose, I’m laid back, chilled and I hate confrontation so I hate that I’m being judged on something that is even me. I know I need to work on myself and heal but I don’t know how especially with what’s just happened. I’m so confused.
7th February 2019 at 2:19 pm #71969IwantmebackParticipant
Hi there, it sounds as if you just got into the new relationship too early. We recommend at least a 2yr gap. He may or may not have been in an abusive relationship, but that doesn’t gives him the right to accuse you of being abusive. When a person has been abused for so long, any form of standing up for themselves, answering back, not talking to the other, these are seen as being abusive tactics when in fact they’re the opposite. If you did any of those things it was to protect yourself, you didn’t do them to hurt someone else’s feelings, whereas an abusive person does that to gain power and control in the relationship. You are in no way an abusive person, don’t think that for one minute. If you can recognise when you treat someone badly and either apologise for it or don’t do it again, then that’s not abuse. Being abusive is doing it over and over again and for us to be too afraid to stop it or do something about it, if asking fir the treatment to be stopped doesn’t work. Have you spoken to anyone at women’s aid yet. Or your doctor either. I asked my doctor to recommend me to speak to a councellor, to try and make sense of everything going round in my head. There is a waiting list, but the initial assessment was within weeks. It’s like a pre-assessment to see what type of councelling would suit your needs. Keep posting. Knowledge is power as they say.
19th February 2019 at 11:57 am #72683I.dont.know.Participant
I was in the same boat as you the person I was seeing after my abusive relationship accused me of been abusive because I said “make me a cup of tea” in a jokey messing around kind of way.
After he said that I cried for weeks questioning whether I was abusive to him, if I was abusive to my kids?! After posting on there and researching the different red flags in relationships I soon realised that it was actually in fact him that was abusive! So once again I had to come up with a plan on getting out.
I would get rid as soon as possible and take some time out to find yourself again.
Take care xxxx
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