New Post. At a crossroads

[Angelicdev]

I’m currently in a situation where my future is uncertain. Been married (detail removed by moderator) .husband is not so typical (detail removed by moderator) ,helps with cooking and childcare etc. But he has a temper.he (detail removed by moderator). In some way did, he can be very patient with family members wrongdoing him. But he has gotten in rage with me.im confused if it’s justified.sometimes I’m tired and (detail removed by moderator).that he can’t stand. We have gad few incidents when he has gotten violent. I’ve been kicked. Gripped a lot so there is bruise marks. Now most recent was one that exploded and I saw totally unforeseen.was downstairs in morning and has to hurry to get (detail removed by moderator) daughter ready.we were also hosting a function in our house, (detail removed by moderator) and were in deep sleep upstairs.im always the one to be up first and because of late nights was just getting daughter ready quickly and (detail removed by moderator).he just made a comment (detail removed by moderator). I was obviously irritated bit definitely not shouting. Then he said (detail removed by moderator). So I just reiterated. And next thing he (detail removed by moderator). And in an even lower voice that noone can ever hear. Next thing he is getting so angry about how they could hear, which btw they sleep so.deeply that even of we shouted they wouldn’t wake up. I know this more than him because I’m the only one up that yime. I can suddenly feel that fear and that rage where he starts walking at me and I’m just saying calm down. He has grabbed me hard enough to leave a bruise (detail removed by moderator). As before he starts literally boiling and his head shaking vibrating. My daughter initially sees but (detail removed by moderator). I’m trying to create distance but he just wouldn’t let me. He shoves me far (detail removed by moderator).
He pushes me tjere and i come back in house. The next thing he bashes (detail removed by moderator) so that I fall back with impact. I immediately knew it was bad.
My (detail removed by moderator) swelled up. (Detail removed by moderator). He looks shocked himself. All I kept thinking really all this for just that especially on a day we have guests. (Detail removed by moderator). We them had to make up a story. And this killed me. I felt so disgusted. I had to act and laugh off each time.
He is now abroad (detail removed by moderator). Whilst here h would ask about my (detail removed by moderator) to which was stoll so angry about. Couple days after the event our first “talk” he said sorry for what happened but that not the reason. Before I’ve kind of accepted but this one i felt I could not agree with. Nobody heard anything. He then changed yo say  (detail removed by moderator) I couldn’t buy that. We didn’t talk after that Anyway since going abroad he hasn’t asked once. And to come to current time he fully believes he is a victim. Something happened inside when he was there and didn’t even ask. I felt such anger. I also I wanted to scream but have no place to. I feel drained. For the first time I’m accepting a hint that this could be a break up. But I look at my little kids and it just cuts me up. It feels so much easier to stay. He also does help a lot (detail removed by moderator) time he is fine. I’m just so confused. Are other abusers like that. I have absolutely noone I can talk to. All are mutual. My family don’t talk to me.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi Angelicdev. Reaching out to let you know you’re not alone. One of the things that can make abuse confusing is that abusers aren’t always “bad” or mean all the time and the nice moments can easily blind us to what’s going on. I read something once that really helped me make sense of all of this. I think it was in Lundy Bancroft’s book “ Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.” There was something in the book that said that even the nice things that abusers do are part of the abuse, because the nice things they do are often very calculated and meant to blind us to their abuse, confuse us, convince us that they are nice guys and not abusers, and make us stay with them. I also once got great advice from a survivor on this forum that I’ve always carried with me. She told me that a healthy relationship is never abusive and even if it’s abusive only 5% of the time, that’s still too much. I know you said your husband is fine 70% of the time but that means he is abusive 30% of the time. A non abusive person is never abusive and you deserve to be loved and to not experience any abuse.

I can relate to what you’re experiencing. My abusive ex initially started off not being abusive, then after a few months there were a few incidents of abuse that were easy for me to overlook because he was “nice” 95% of the time. Over time the percentage of times that he was abusive slowly increased. By the time I left him he was abusive 100% of the time. It didn’t start out that way and I never ever imagined that he would treat me that way, but the abuse slowly increased over time & by the end he was an absolute monster who I was terrified of.

Keep posting. You are believed and supported here 💜💜

[Bananaboat]

As Singlemom says, even the nice stuff is part of the routine. You mention his temper but also how he’s lovely to your guests and others – very typical of abusers as it leaves us questioning what did WE do wrong, but in reality he’s choosing to explode at you!

Lundy Bancroft’s book, ‘why does he do that’ is great and really opens you eyes to all the ‘other stuff’ they do, like forcing you and kids to get up at his speed.

I hear you when you say about the kids but please don’t underestimate how much they pick up on. They feel the tension in the air, see you acting differently, watch his looks/sneers/tone of voice. I’ve definitely seen a huge weight lifted from my kids since ending things.

[Angelicdev]

Thank you so much for replying. I’m crying with the responses. I’m feeling like silent screams here because I can’t even get a chance to cry or feel things openly, with (removed by Moderator) being here thinking everything is hunky dory. I don’t want to break her heart and also I feel he should own up to everyone. I desperately want to tell someone I personally know but everyone is mutual.
He is much better at getting his side across in arguments. I don’t know why I find it exhausting fighting my cause that even when he returns and discuss infront of people they may understand him more. I don’t know if this could be salvageable. At times in the past I’ve accepted that yes I’m wrong in some way just to end it, but nit believing it.
I do feel a slight fear going it alone. The house is actually mine but just the whole balancing childcare with work.
Do other victims also feel continuously moody and touchy especially when they feel like they’re hiding things infront of family who then just find you moody. And it’s confusing because at times I will get upset about things , express or shout out and its fine. But then an incident like this happens.
I will definitely get that book because I just feel I don’t know how to navigate my thoughts and actions whilst trying to get on with life.

[Bananaboat]

Yes, I totally went into myself, was very angry and snappy at others. It’s a sign you’re not being true to yourself which in turn is exhausting. He’ll probably use it against you too, but no it doesn’t mean you’re any of the horrible things he says. As for coping, you will. It’s much easier not looking over your shoulder all the time.xx

[Angelicdev]

Sorry to add more but has anyone here got police involved. I don’t think he can kill me but as a punishment.
Also do people tell their children?. Especially if they look up to their father?

[SingleMomSurvivor]

I got the police involved right at the very end when things got worse and he started physically assaulting me. I was absolutely terrified at first to get them involved but it ended up being the absolute best decision for me & my kids. Getting the police involved gave me the support and safety I needed to leave him for good. I haven’t told my kids about the abuse because they are still super young, but as time goes on I suspect they will begin realizing that something is wrong with their father. I intend to create space for them to talk with me about their feelings about him and I will teach them about what abuse is, what healthy love is, and what it means to have boundaries. My hope is that by providing a loving, safe & stable environment for them in my home, it will serve as some sort of buffer for any interactions they have with their father. And of course I document everything, if anything even seems a little off when they return from a visit I document it and if need be notify my attorney.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

And also abusers are much better at getting their points across in arguments because they are willing to stoop so low. My ex would spew all types of vile nonsense against me during arguments, call me crazy, use personal things that I had told him about myself against me. Non abusive people like you & I have certain lines they won’t cross even during a heated disagreement. It would never even cross my mind to mock my ex’s childhood trauma during an argument but I’m contrast he wouldn’t hesitate to do that sort of thing to me. I realized that you can never really win an argument with an abuser.

[Angelicdev]

Yes your right about arguments. I hate conflicts and just like to get them over with at the expense saying sorry when I don’t mean it.
At the moment my feelings are of real deep anger becausehe hasn’tbothered to ask anything about me or kids. I know it’s seen as a standoff till he comes in a couple of days where he has threatened mw to “just wait till im back”.
My hesitancy in calling police is because first it’s unknown what his reaction will be when he comes? What and how it will unfold? If miraculously it’s civil or some change of heart. Or how other family and friends may react?
Secondly the children who are obviously close and “cared” fir by him.
The only thing is atm we don’t have another bedroom to sleep separately and I right now can’t imagine sharing a bed even if we mutually agree to just lie either side.
I am anxious as we (detail removed by Moderator) and do all pretences and I am just so exhausted and tired of doing that. Since he went I’ve basically single parented but with the additional members staying who aren’t as hands on. So I feel doubly angry he’s just flown off leaving me, yo cope, with the drained energy that he caused. He obviously has no idea because he doesn’t even ask anything
He really thinks he’s been wronged. I am dying to tell someone I know. Helplines, gp and forums have helped so much but I feel it won’t fill that gap of telling someone I know personally face to face. Fid anybody else feel the sane. Then I feel ashamed that I don’t have anyone. Clearly I don’t have true friends that I can confide in. He’s said at times in earlier arguments see I don’t see you have real friends. I mean we’re all mums and meet up timevto time and every one is busy. There is one person who knows a lot of my life but he has become very close to husband too.

Thank you so much for responses. It’s so good to hear someone similar. It’s the most isolating feeling ever.

[calendula]

my advice would be get the police involved now before it escalates and suddenly 20 years has passed and your whole life has gone down the pan…abuse becomes normal to you after a while and soon you may find yourself putting up with things you never imagined you would…..i lost my home, self confidence, family, fertility, health, friends and now have (detail removed by Moderator) and can’t even scrub my pans properly…because i didnt report anything i am now being called (detail removed by Moderator)….people saw me having the mental breakdown you see after going through all this…they saw me crying and acting a bit ‘mental’ after years and years of abuse (detail removed by Moderator) ..this is why you run from any man who tells you his ex is a psycho….he’s driven her to it….i grew up watching my father cheat on my mother and he was violent, actually she was very abusive too….the kids may appear not to be noticing but trust me they do…..we used to hide in the hallway listening to their fights at night….they didn’t always know we were there…when they saw us we got chased into bed and whacked…this normalised this kind of behaviour to all of us as children and we have all as adults put up with very abusive situations from our ‘partners’

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