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    • #66856
      Tiffany
      Participant

      I have hit a trigger in my new relationship and I would really appreciate some advice on it. My new partner quit smoking a while after we met, and as commonly happens has put on weight since quitting. It wouldn’t bother me, but he is now much closer in shape to my abuser. Recently when I have stayed over with him I have woken up thinking I am back with my abuser. I reassure myself that it isn’t him, that I am still with my new partner, but it is causing me a lot of anxiety. Normally I would just talk it through with my partner, but I don’t feel like I can do that in this situation – I am delighted that he has managed to quit smoking and rationally putting on a few pounds isn’t an issue. Also he struggles with low self esteem and I feel like telling him his weight gain is triggering would frankly be cruel. So I have to come up with a way of dealing with this on my own.

      I think I am also maybe feeling anxious because I the relationship is beginning to feel normal, rather than new and exciting – not that I wanted or expected it to be new and exciting at this stage – comfortable and normal was what I was aiming for. But the last time I felt comfortable and normal with man was with my abuser… New man still hasn’t shown any red flags. It’s still hard to separate out the old abusive normal and this real and genuine normal and it’s making me anxious too. Has anyone else experienced this?

    • #66865
      pasta
      Participant

      Hi! I felt like this during the start of my relationship too. We have actually gone to couples counseling and the therapist said that being in the new relationship bought a lot of things to the surface for me and a lot of things triggered me which makes perfect sense! I was finding it hard to be in the relationship and not really over anything he had done but because of how it reminded me of my ex.

      There were really small things like if he would stand in front of me in a certain way, or raise his voice (even if it wasn’t in anger) or toucb me a certain way. It still haooens occasionally now but I am largely past it. I think j having been with him over a year now and trusting g him more because I haven’t had any red flags and also him being very open to talking about stuff has helped. I wonder if you could talk to your partner but not relate it to his weight? Just say that sometimes your brain makes there weird connections and gets triggered and it’s not his fault but that you just wanted to talk about it and it is hard for you sometimes? Let me know how it goes 😊

    • #66872
      Tiffany
      Participant

      I think you are right, I need to tell him I have been having flashbacks again and just say I am working through it. I probably just need some processing time. He knows about my past and has been entirely understanding and there is never any pressure to discuss anything I don’t want to , or to go into details I don’t want to even if I open the topic. So I can tell him I am triggered without telling him why. That’s probably the best bet. Various circumstances also mean we have spent more time together in the last couple of weeks than we normally do, so I maybe just need a bit of my own space too.

    • #66900
      Tiffany
      Participant

      It went well. He wasn’t at all hurt that I needed more time alone at the moment. And he popped round after work to give me some books he thought I might enjoy because the last book I read was triggering so he found me some which have neither relationships or violence in them. And we just hung out reading for a couple of hours and then he went home. No pressure, no anxiety. It is so easy to get into that anxious triggered state, but every time I do he’s kind and gentle and as far from abusive as you could imagine. It’s very reassuring. He’s never used these situations to guilt trip me. I keep waiting for it – my last relationship was so full of guilt tripping. But he never does.

    • #66956
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi Tiffany, this update is so lovely. Our brains always do worse case scenario, 10 fold with abusive relationships. Lesson of the day, you can talk to your new man and get positive reassuring feedback. What a confidence booster 🙂🙂
      Baby steps and keep communicating with him. You know your red flags and boundaries, be safe but more important allow yourself to be happy.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #66962
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Thanks. I am feeling much better about things today.

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