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    • #72903
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      Hi everyone
      It’s been a very long since I’ve been on here as my healing has been progressing really well.
      My children are much more settled and continue to grow in confidence. They still have some court ordered contact with their dad but they become increasingly wise to their dad’s ways and more adept at managing him and their feelings. Plus he has now remarried as well as having affairs so he’s too busy to cause me more than an occasional irritation most of the time.
      I have bought us a little house so we feel more settled and stable. Plus I have made contact with extended family members to whom I’ve disclosed my childhood and marital abuse to and found them to be extremely supportive. I feel I have built a contented, safe life around us with a support network and I have entirely devoted myself to this mission together after two years of therapy. I had started to have a little bit of social life, just a yoga class and an occasional lunch or tea with friends.
      I haven’t been near a man for 5 years having sworn them off for good. And now I’ve met one I really, really like. I am feeling pretty overwhelmed by my feelings and thought who better to check things out with than you wonderful, wise women…
      I have known him a couple of months now. I find him very attractive. We have a lot of things in common and have long interesting conversations about all sorts of things. I feel intellectually stimulated which I hadn’t even realised was a need as this was something I never experienced with my ex. He has been very considerate and has lovely manners. He seems to have a nice family and friends judging from the way he speaks about them. We were only recently sexual together and I was so pleased to be able to enjoy it so much and realised that this is love making not control and abuse, the only way I’ve experienced sex before. Beforehand we had a very easy conversation about consent and contraception and he said those things were a given. At one point I needed to stop what we were doing and he immediately apologised in case he had hurt me and calmly checked out what I wanted to do, he held me and stroked my hair while I calmed down. Sounds pretty unbelievable doesn’t it? You’re probably wondering what my problem is. So am I.
      Yet I feel terrified. What if it is too good to be true? What if I like him so much I’m overlooking something and not being objective? His niceness seems to be triggering a grief response as I realise how things should and could have been instead of decades being wasted in an abusive relationship. I’m not sure if I can handle being treated so nicely, it seems to highlight the damage done to me. The only thing close to a red flag have been occasional little jokes or teasing which were very minor but caused me to feel scared. When I explained that to him he again apologised and seems perfectly ok to be challenged and takes responsibility for himself. It’s hard to know how much to tell him, but I’m starting to explain a bit as it’s difficult not to due to my reactions.
      I’ve stopped sleeping properly, I keep waking in the night and fretting about it. I’m scared of letting him know where I live, meeting his friends, introducing him to the children or basically anything that feels like merging our lives closer together. I’m scared of my precious security being destroyed if I let him in. I don’t know what I’m doing or how to do a normal, healthy relationship. I’m trying hard to convince myself I deserve it and I need to learn to trust. I’m scared I will somehow recreate the same relationship dynamics and have to remind myself that my ex chose to abuse me and not because of anything I did to cause it.
      The other factor is I have just been offered some EMDR after self-referring myself 5 months ago when I had a relapse in my PTSD symptoms after a trigger at work. I don’t know if it’s good or bad timing but it’s also likely to bring up more stuff. I hate that my past is having so much impact on my ability to have this relationship especially when I felt so confident and content. I really thought I was ready.
      Thank you for listening, I’d really appreciate your thoughts even if it’s just ‘shut up and enjoy it!’.
      Peaceful Pig x

    • #72917
      diymum@1
      Participant

      Hi peaceful pig,

      No matter who you met and how wonderful they are (and he sounds it! :)) Your naturally going to put a protective wall up/ a barrier to protect you safety (as that is our main priority and even more so after an abusive relationship. Its a bit like learning to walk again! for me I waited on different senarios unfolding expected the same reaction I would have gotten from my abuser. When he acted in the complete opposite way my trust then grew. This time will be different, because you know the red flags to watch out for. Im sure you would call him out on this if it ever arose. Hes sounds like one of the good ones but it still wont go wrong to set down your boundaries from the start. I hope this works out for you and also I wish you all the happiness that you deserve xx my gut feeling what what you’ve said is good 🙂 luv diymum xx

    • #72922
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hi PP, so lovely to read your story, what you have achieved! The rebuilding, feeling settled, self aware, kids happy and developing well – wow! And now a lovely new relationship to eplore!

      It feels for me that the only thing I could add here is to maybe draw your attention to ‘pace’, because if you take your time it will be ok won’t it. You dont need to commit or do any of the things you have mentioned until it feels right for you.

      Feelings like this can run wild, which is exciting but also frightening – and very natural to feel in a new romantic relationship hey, they can feel like they are running at a pace that is not comfortable.

      Do what feels right for you in your own time and it will be either ok whatever happens or! You will make something truly wonderful x

    • #72923
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      Thank you so much. People around me have touched me by how pleased they are for me but they don’t understand why I’m so scared. I knew you would get it.
      Diymum that makes sense about letting trust grow slowly and naturally as things develop and I see him in different scenarios. I started with what I thought were clear boundaries but I really hadn’t planned or expected this level of feeling on either side. I think to some extent I will only learn what my boundaries are from allowing myself to experience a healthy relationship and just watching my feelings. As you say I know that this time I am able to pull him up on things without fear of punishment.
      Fizzylem yes you’re right I did get a bit swept away for a while which was lovely and exciting but I’ve scared myself. I can keep things where they are or even step back a little until I feel safer again. He lives quite far away which I’m glad about or it’d be even more tempting to move forward. He says he’s patient so he’ll just have to prove it won’t he?
      Thank you both again for your kind words and encouragement,
      PP x*x

    • #72942
      diymum@1
      Participant

      I read up on what good relationship was â˜șwhen we first met, I honestly didn’t know! I told him and he said OMG your not one of these do it by the manual people! He laughed his socks off. I know that a good relationship tales exuality, good communication , friendship and time +patience and our cases healing and self love. I really hope this is the icing on the cake for you 😊descent men truly are a gift xx 💕 💕

    • #72948
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      Thank you. I will keep things steady and fingers crossed he will be another part of my healing hourney and the cherry on top after all my hard work x*x

    • #73018
      White Rose
      Participant

      Hi PP
      Lovely to hear you are safe.
      Your man sounds good. But you’re wary – who wouldn’t be? Take your time, be in control, put yourself first and if it’s not feeling right talk about why, you’ll know if it’s ok to go on. If those red flags are waving stop and take stock – head or heart? Go with head every time.
      Good luck! X*x

    • #73073
      HopeLifeJoy
      Participant

      I find it always inspiring to read someone’s story who managed to build a life after abuse and of course you want to protect that and it’s only natural to keep people at arms length. Rightly so. Check them out first and take your time doing so.
      Go at your pace that what matters most.
      You don’t have to feel guilty or give an explanation to your lover, either he will give you understanding and support your boundaries or he won’t.
      Maybe he is ok, more than ok and you might be dealing with some PTSD remaining in your system.
      So your health comes first. Always. And once you are done with that, he will either still be here or not. Good test to check his patience level, which we know abusers generally lack greatly.
      Enjoy your achievements so far and never ever shut up, quite the contrary â˜ș

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