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    • #55542
      bobbi
      Participant

      HI
      I am new to the forum and like many posts I have read it seems my experience is similar to many women here who feel like they aren’t sure if they are over reacting or if it really is abuse. In my heart I know the answer but my head is like nah let it go, you’re over reacting, it’s all in your head.

      My situation is awkward because although we agreed to separate some time ago we are still in the same house because of financial issues and he’s making it more and more awkward to effect a physical separation and so I feel trapped. Trying to stay positive and being proactive, have applied for a mortgage and been house hunting but without him releasing my money from the joint home I am trapped. Every day is getting harder and harder. He says I am making it that way.

      There has been a history of emotional and psychological abuse, and he told me some awful things he has done behind my back to me and other women. I have to make it stop but finding the strength and courage is so hard.

      I am really paranoid that he is noting everything I say and do to use against me. This is wearing me out.
      I’ve arranged to go out for a few hours on Saturday. I’m having the kids Saturday morning, taking eldest to (detail removed by moderator), will do something with youngest for that hour but have arranged to go to something for me in the afternoon. I haven’t told him what I am doing for fear of ridicule. I just said I had been invited out and will be out between certain times. I know if I am late he’ll give me grief. But I have to give set times I’ll be out. When I said yesterday I’ve been invited out and would he mind he looked his mum who Is staying with us indefinitely and said no we don’t mind do we Mum? It was really odd.

      I am finding it really difficult to accept and admit to myself what he has done and what I have lived with/allowed to happen.

      My anxiety stopped me from speaking to my solicitor today. I’m scared what she’ll say which is totally irrational.

      I’m scared he will do as he threatened last year and use my history of anxiety and depression against me to take youngest away from me.

      I’m scared if I report him things will get worse for me and he won’t be charged with anything and I’ll lose everything. And I’ll be stuck in this house too.

      After reading some posts in the forum I’ve had my memory jogged about incidents over the years involving serious gas lighting I ended up very heavily medicated too. It’s been a real eye opener to read other people’s experiences and be like OMG that’s me too!

      I’ve started looking into and doing some stuff for myself and in doing so have found some old notes I made in the months I was single between 1st husband and this current one and what a different mental place I was in – I was totally finding myself and happy and growing.

      It feels like a lot of my experience is subjective and open to interpretation (was it abuse or not?) and even the worse stuff cannot be proved without evidence. It isn’t enough for him to be arrested and released without charge. My life will be a living hell.

      I’ve contemplated trying to contact his ex or a mutual friend but thought better of it.
      Sorry I am rambling. Just feeling lost and unsure.

      Thanks if you read this far!

    • #55549
      KIP.
      Participant

      You really need legal advice quickly. Sounds like he’s plotting something. Abusers have zero empathy. He could get his mum to lie to have you removed from the home using a non molestation order. Ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. Do not trust a word he says. When we are trying to leave them abusers are at their most dangerous. Without help and legal help I doubt he will ever give you money. He enjoys abusing you. Why would he walk away from that.

    • #55862
      bobbi
      Participant

      Thanks Kip.
      I am in contact with a local Domestic abuse service now and filled in their self referral form today. They will allocate a support worker to meet with me and discuss my options. They mentioned I would qualify for a refuge or emergency social housing without even going in to the details of individual incidents. I don’t feel ready for that but staying here is getting harder and harder. Apparently now he wants to divorce me formally on grounds of my unreasonable behaviour (rather than get a separation agreement drawn up and divorce later.)

      Thanks for the tip about rights for women I will look them up

    • #55869
      starryeyed
      Participant

      Hi Bobbi,

      I agree, I think it sounds like a good idea to contact Rights for Women for some help with the legal stuff and it’s really good that you are in touch with your local domestic abuse service- I hope you can meet them quickly.

      I imagine he isn’t going to make you leaving any easier AT ALL! Like KIP says, he is benefiting from having you around and further confusing you and minimising the abuse, and getting his kicks from abusing you further. He doesn’t want you to leave. It is great that you would qualify for refuge/social housing – maybe have a think about this as an option and ask them for more information when you meet/speak with them?

      Gaslighting is frightening. No wonder you feel as you do and feel like you are overreacting. But you aren’t – keep focusing on those incidents that were very REAL and maybe make a list (maybe on here for safety?) so you can read them back over and remind yourself of the reality when you feel like you are overreacting.

      I don’t know if you are aware of Clare’s Law, but maybe this could be something you could apply for?

      Take care of yourself and stay safe x*x <3

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