New, should I even be here?

[Seasidekate]

Hi ladies
Thank you for reading this. I am just wondering how to start. I guess I am wondering if I’m being fair to my husband and if it’s mental illness or abuse. My husband has a mental illness (OCD & anxiety) and this means that he gets very stressed and angry about a range of things like coming in the house without doing some rituals first, not being able to go to certain places and shops. If I do go he will throw everything away so I don’t bother any more. When I come in from work he won’t let me cuddle our (detail removed by Moderator) yr old until I’ve changed and washed my feet, hands and arms in case of contamination. So that’s day to day. The worry makes him angry and call me names, put me down, nothing physical but I cry most days. He is also starting to ask our (detail removed by Moderator) yr old to wash her hands, change her clothes for OCD reasons. He is super charming to the outside world however, no one would ever guess.

I had planned, (detail removed by Moderator) to go away with my mum and daughter and have a break from it all. He hates sand, beaches and my mum. (detail removed by Moderator) he has asked if he can come but there is no space. Now he has said our daughter cannot go and if I took her he would call the police. I thinks it’s because my nephew is coming too and he’s scare of contamination. I can’t leave her with him, he phoned me (detail removed by Moderator) to ask me to come home at (detail removed by Moderator) because he couldn’t look after her.

Now I’m heartbroken, I understand he will miss her while we are away and probably feels feels rejected by me.

I don’t know if this is abuse or just normal marriage. I would leave things are so bad but I’m scared he will have custody as he is so convincing. To make it worse I’m his (detail removed by Moderator) (since (detail removed by Moderator)) so there is no escaping.

Thanks for reading
(detail removed by Moderator)

[Confused123]

hi hun

The one thing that we dont notice when we are with abusers is that how do they control themselves around others but yet when with us they totally flip and change, so thats answers the question they are choosing to behave that way towards us, as they for whatever sick reason feel they can be disrespectful towards us, when i was with ex, i useddd to think if i try this , try this, work harder at this it will help but it doesnt, it just gives them a bigger ego cause we accept this behaviour . If he puts u into tears with his rituals and comments he will do the same to your child later, i used to always say no he only behaves like this towards me, he would never hurt the children, but reality is he shouldn’t be doing this to u either and yes the pattern does rub on to children and they are impacted by what they see, i wish i had been told this , this is why i warn all ladies how serious impact can be on children whatever form of abuse it is and abuse doesnt just have to be physical.

Hope you have the strength to call the helpline to get advice, they can guide u to agencies that can help you, also try log abuse with your gp. I know its going to be stressful but i would just take your daughter with u on this holiday, let him feel pushed away if he wants to, doesn’t want to enjoy himself and wont let u either . If he want’s to report u to police let him, what will police say to u once u confirm u are on a break with your daughter that he was aware of, these men scare us unecessarily, obviously dont tell him that, to him u just reply ok if thats what u want to do thats fine.

I hate how these men drain us out, reach out for support hun, it is abuse

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi SeasideKate,

Sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds incredibly difficult. It sounds very draining, stressful, depressing. I too have anxiety and OCD but don’t behave like this, as it’s unreasonable behaviour. Has your husband had any treatment for his OCD? It’s not acceptable that you should have to live like this. It’s hard to know whether he’s doing it deliberately to limit your freedom or whether he is just very ill with OCD. Saying that he will call the police if you bring your child on holiday to the seaside is a definite red flag, it’s very extreme and a terrifying threat of losing your child and leaves you in a helpless awful position of having to deny yourself, your mum and your child a lovely trip out to the seaside.

I would ring the helpline, local DV support and ask your gp for advice as clearly something needs to change as if it continues you will be completely trapped in the house unable to go anywhere as a result of him, which is definitely neither normal nor healthy.

Well done for reaching out.

[EeyoreNoMore]

I should start by saying that I know nothing about OCD (true, diagnosed OCD) however, from here it does sound like an excuse to control you and your child. It sounds like he’s been testing the boundaries to see how far he can push it before you start to push back again. Each time you comply he pushes a little further next time.

He tested you and now he’s testing how much you will let him get away with in relation to your child.

Can you speak to an OCD professional and see what they say? We know these abusers will use every trick in the book, every excuse and every manipulation to cover themselves and make us feel guilty for daring to question them. If he is truly ill and genuinely wishes to keep the family unit as it is he will seek help. If he refuses then you know that ultimately, the only way to keep you and your child safe and to allow your child to grow into the free spirited child that they deserve to be, is to get away from him.

[timeforchange]

Hi,
I am new here too.
Currently just got out off a (detail removed by Moderator) abusive relationship with my ex bf.

I also suffer from OCD. My ex husband who I was with for many years knew of my OCD. However, I never put my problem onto him or my children. If I did, that would have been abusive. The things he does are abusive. You have to think about how the things he does makes you feel bad about yourself or inferior or scared then that is abuse. I felt more guilt about my OCD and tried everything to protect my family from it not project it onto them. X

[Janedoeissad]

Hi seasidekate

I would suggest calling the helpline rather than going to a mental health advisor/charity. I did go to a mental health charity about my partner but they made me feel guilty for feeling things weren’t right. I was made to feel second to my partners mental health issue. I think it’s because they focus on helping people and getting them into recovery but it didn’t help my situation at all. The women’s aid helpline did help enormously. They were focused on me rather than him.

I have found, the more I look at my partners behaviour, I can see when his anxiety is kicking off and when he’s being abusive. There is a line which gets crossed. You will eventually see the difference. Although I honestly believe most of my partners behaviour is abusive.

[Author]

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