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Hello Queenie,
Welcome to the forum. I wish I didn’t have to welcome you as I wish I wasn’t already a forum member. But the sad reality is everyone here has experienced or is experiencing the dawning reality of DA.
You will find great support and advice here and you are among good friends who will listen without judgement.
Your awakening will be a rollercoaster of emotions. Use this forum and WA for support.
I’m sending you positive thoughts and hugs in this journey of awareness. Use this time to observe the behaviour of your abuser as if you’re outside looking in. You’ll find that no you’re not going mad it really is him and not you. Take care of yourself and stay safe and one step ahead. -
Hi Queenie, welcome to the forum.. I’m sorry you’ve just found out your husband is emotionally abusing you..It was about the same length of time when I discovered it by googling the things he was doing..
I was in denial at 1st, and angry with myself for taking so long to realise, but that shows how subtle they can be with their manipulation..
I was also very scared as I knew what he was capable of from his earlier days..
Knowledge is the best thing, try to speak to WA, finding out everything you can about abuse helps you.. keep yourself safe, keep posting as there is great support on the forum..
Hugs
Xx -
Hiya Queenie,
I’m also new. Don’t be hard on yourself for not realizing – manipulators are masters of smoke & mirrors!
Now you know.
For now, keep a diary and write it all down. You might just need it later on……
Keep remembering that you are not what he says you are. Try to remember the schoolgirl in you, what she liked, what made her sad, what she wanted to do with her life….. If you’ve got a best pal or a sister or a mum, share with her… it’s always good to hear another person’s thoughts on things. And the support is great.
Be nice to yourself. Treat yourself the way you treat other folk. Nicely.
All the best for the road ahead. -
Hi Queenie and DamagedGoods, welcome to both of you.
Once we admit to ourselves we are being abused, it’s not that he’s got a temper, or he had a bad childhood, or he drinks/ uses drugs, but that he chooses to do this, it totally floors you. In the very early days all I wanted to do was sleep, I had no appetite, lived on Lucozade and toast, I rarely washed or got dressed. I was sleepwalking through life. It’s taken a good few months to be able to get up and get dressed. I still struggle with food, even drinking coffee and tea is a struggle, but I’m not sleeping as much. Recognising what’s happened to you is like having a loved one die. There are stages in the grieving process and we go through the same when we realise our relationship is dead. Because there is no way back. These men can’t/won’t change. Lundy Bancroft wrote a book why does he do that, . And only 2% of men ever changed out of the thousands he interviewed. Concentrate on getting out safely and healing yourselves. Try and speak to someone at women’s aid, if you can’t get through on the national helpline try your local one instead. Keep posting, definately journal his abuse and the days he’s ‘nicer’, you’ll find he’s not really being that nice at all as there will be subtle putdowns and remarks but because he’s nicer, you’ll not notice them.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕 -
Thank you all so much, I can identify with everything you have all said and tbh whilst I wouldn’t wish this torment on anyone I am glad Im not the only one. I have spoken to my parents and siblings and they all said they know what has been happening but I haven’t ‘heard’ them when they’ve told me. My mum says that she has systematically watched as I have had my personality, independence, voice and spirit ground out of me. She tells me that she cannot understand why I have let it happen to me. She says that I used to be such a strong, confident and articulate woman who would never have tolerated being disrespected in such a way. All I can say yo that is that he has done a ‘good job’ on me but not quite goid enough because that spirit was still there it was just smouldering away but it is starting to burn again and I am determined to keep fanning that flame x
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Keep going. Read Evan Stark. He explains about how we become a non person. His work is what the new coercive control laws are based on. It’s not your fault. Abuse is insidious. Creeping up on us like putting a frog into boiling water. It jumps out, but put it in warm water and start to boil it, it doesn’t recognise the danger till it’s too late. There’s one person to blame but it’s not too late for you to save yourself x
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Hello Queenie and Damagedgoods, a big welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a good resource and of much help.
I can relate so much to IWMB’s reply, all of it; it does feel like someone died, it’s realising the relationship died, or realising it wasnt the relationship you thought you had, letting go of the hope for a better day and the dreams for the future – took me a really long time.
Subtle abuse, verbal abuse and manipulation is insidious, it’s like a slow release of poison. The rage and then unpredictable behaviours that follows when the relationship really started to end, for me, was terrifying. I could see how out of control he was. I think what happened was, as I realised, I also withdrew from him, when I did nothing for him, this was when he really started to kick off and get nasty, because he wasnt getting his needs met anymore, his meals, washing, sex. It wasn’t me he wanted, it was what I did for him he missed.
If it is subtle emotional abuse, you might find the book In Sheeps Clothing a good one, it’s small, easy to digest, not jargonistic, it helped me to work out exactly what he was doing, it’s labelled as ‘covert aggressive behaviour’ in this book and this leads to abuse. They really do stop at nothing to get what they think they want and need – which sadly doesn’t work hey, it actually has the opposite effect, they dont get what they really need and push people away.
It’s dreadful to deal with, it’s like being bitten on the neck by a snake, only when you turn round there’s nothing there. So you ask yourself, what just happened there? Did I imagine that? It’s me not him – as he always blames you for everything, so you start to belive him; it absolutely wears a person down.
If either of you have children, be prepared for him to really step up his game if you get to leaving, so gather evidence from now. Journal everything yes, even try and record his abuse if you can, if it is safe to do these things, save anything you think you later might need, texts, emails everything.
Also, visit your GP and get it recorded on your medical record.
Please dont hesitate in calling the police if you feel you need to, you can call and speak to a domestic abuse officer off the record if you wanted to, to help you establish what you can and cant do, what is lawful, to help you understand your rights and what can be done – really wish I’d got there help from the get go now – this is my biggest regret – because at the time I felt I could deal with in alone – I couldnt, it turns out no one can.
Think getting yourself a domestic abuse support worker from the local womens aid charity is a really good place to start. Best wishes to you both. FL.x
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Hi
I am new to this forum and as a survivor who fought hard to re build my life and keep my children safe and cared for, I eventually have been able to reach the stage of being in work in a job I enjoy I have recently begun to feel suicidal as a Male work colleague supported by a female who have both worked in the place for over (detail removed by moderator) years have launched a campaign of …bullying and I see no way out – I cannot leave the job due to financial reasons. I have explained to my boss I am isolated, ( not spoken to some days at all unless I ask a direct work question and if I say anything non controversial such as “ I think I will go to lunch “ I am totally ignored. I have been sworn at by my Male colleague when I asked him to not undermine me and mocked for my age appearance and being a lone parent, I have been lied about and undermined and lied to. I have spoken to- my boss who owns the company and been told it is the sense of humour of my colleagues. My job is not desk based and now multiple times a day I turn around and my Male work colleague is standing watching me whilst on his mobile phone not involved in any work. At first I thought it was him hiding to make personal phone calls but it happens probably four times an hour and he is silent until I noticed him and then when I do notice him he pretends to engage in a conversation – he is on his phone so obviously if I say anything I will look ridiculous. I once again spoke to the manager and said I will not be called or referred to as “ midget “ “ dwarf “ by the female colleague who is incidentally the same height as me any longer and find it unacceptable as have laughed off, then said I find personal derogatory remarks about my age and appearance not appropriate. I have been told I am paranoid and my colleagues are just “ having fun” I feel they are bullies as I am having sleepless nights and sadly started drinking again. During my years of recovery from emotional and physical abuse, I went through phases of feeling this way and now I no longer feel able to speak at work in case I will be ignored or ridiculed. It feels like abuse to me and humour, ignoring, reporting and saying very firmly I do not find it acceptable has not worked. I have joined this forum in desperation as wanted to put in writing to the management what has occurred but am already viewed as a trouble maker and and told I am paranoid and financially just can’t leave this job until I have something else. I feel unable to trust my own judgement and just don’t want to put things in writing that make me sound like the paranoid trouble maker I am being made out to be. The company has no HR department and I just feel too exhausted to make a complaint as both colleagues back each other up and say I have have said and done things I have not, and my previous discussions have made me feel worse not better. If anyone has any advice how to just survive this each day at a time I would be very grateful.
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Hi Anonymous
Welcome to the forum. It sounds like the situation at work is very triggering for you and i am so sorry to hear you have started to feel suicidal because of it. Apply for other jobs and while you are waiting for something to come up try to look after yourself as much as you can when you are away from work so you have the strength to carry on. You could also speak to your GP and explain the situation, the GP may feel that you need to be signed off from work for a bit.
Take care and keep posting
Lisa
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Fizzylem… What you described about him getting out of control when he realised I wanted out, rings SO true…. I thought it was because I was suffering from a deep depression and I wasn’t the little blonde cute bubble he’d loved showing off. He’d yell at me for hours on end. I was useless, fat, cheap, common, embarrassing etc… I’d try my very best to not respond, or react… But he’d eventually say something vile that cut me to my core using my deepest fears, and I’d meltdown… Then he’d stop Coz he’d broken me. With that nasty smirk on his face.
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Hey DG, yes this really is diplorable and a tactic for control. They use our vulnerabilties as weopons against us, anything I told him in confidence was used against me, thrown in my face, this hurt a great deal to begin with, but once I spotted what he was doing, his words no longer hurt me, obs I stopped confiding in him, and often when he did try and use something I’d said against me it didnt quite ring true anymore, as it was guess work, or I could see how he’d only half listened to what I’d said, picked a bit he thought he could use against me, and miss heard the rest really, I could see he’d not really grasped what I’d said, so yeah, it lost its effect.
How horrid to use these things against us, when in a loving relationship, our vulnerabilties are usually the parts that are loved the most; abuse teaches us not to show them to anyone, but this is not the way, we can only feel loved and close to others when we truly open up and thus feel loved and accepted all the same hey. So glad you’ve found the forum DG xx
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Hi, im new on here. I posted once before on a dark day.
I turned ( detail removed by moderator) a few days ago and have been with the same man for over (detail removed by moderator). I decide to meet a friend as we share our birthdays,
I was gone out of the house for 2.5 hours(we went for a shandy)when I came back he was really angry and calling me all sorts of names. It ended in him dragging me out of the house by my hair.
I am so low, I have been with this man all my adult life, he hasn’t physically abused me for around (detail removed by moderator), the mental abuse is almost daily.
I am lost in what to do ? He is still in the house and I doubt he has no intention to leave. We have to daughters that are passed their teens, both live at home and they love there dad as much as me. I love my girls and I couldn’t leave them…. I just don’t know what to do ? Please help x*x
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