new to forum. still controlling me and not in that relationship any more.

[starlight.starbright]

Controlling through the children and in front of them. Does anyone else have this kind of experience? i have only just fully realised that I have suffered years of control and coercion.
constantly trying to smooth things over as they are in front of children. constantly being forced into a corner to agree to demands, as it is easier to do so, than face the weekly wrath that comes with not agreeing to all his parental demands. going along to things, because i know children safer. feeling lost and alone. abuse on the doorstep, abuse on the street. quiet, insidious abuse that he constantly denies. calling me mental, calling me neurotic. all in front of children.
have taken steps, but then he gets worse, gets more angry, more controlling. letters, emails. i can see why it was easier just to keep saying “yes, ok then” to everything that suited his life and my being treated as a glorified nanny, rather than a mother, on top of the abuse.
now that i have my realisation, i am starting to feel that all that unease, all that feeling “off”, wasn’t coming from me or my life. it was coming from his effect on me, from his constant presence. feeling like i would never ever get rid of him. that i didn’t have a voice, because i wasn’t actually in a relationship with him any more! getting out didn’t mean any of it stopped i realise! he found new ways to carry on being controlling and “in charge”. any challenge to met with wrath or disregard or what i now realise is possibly coercion. it has affected me and my family and i don’t really have any proof other than incidents that happened, my word. no evidence. he knows this. he lies to everyone about me. he paints his picture, his version of me to everyone he meets.
is there anyone out there in a similar situation i wonder. it seems unusual, reading some of your posts on the forum. cutting free from someone you are technically already free of!

[diymum@1]

Ive been through the same, Have you kept a journal and let the doctor know what happening? this is good evidence. A contact centre for handover and a third party to communicate would resolve this ie take you out of the equation. He might give up. It sounds like you might need a court order. Let me know if you need any help with this. I went down this route but eventually the court stopped the contact its damaging for the kids to see xx diy mum xx

[Luckycat]

I’m sorry to hear this, and I do hope you are getting the support you need. I myself have just come out of an abusive relationship; coercive, emotionally, mentally and physically abusive. I am finding myself struggling to move on from what my ex-partner did to me, so I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for you and your children. It does get easier, day by day. It might only seem like ‘baby steps’, but those steps are the most important. x

[Lisa]

Hi Starlight.starbright

Welcome to the forum. From what you describe you are still being abused by your ex through child contact as this is the only hold he has over you now and he knows it. Unfortunately this is very common and as diymum@1 mentioned lots of women end up getting a child contact order through the court and have no direct contact with their perpetrator at handovers to stop this ongoing abuse. If you wanted to find out more about this option you can contact your local domestic abuse support service, alternatively you can call the helpline on 0808 2000 247 to discuss your options. Rights of Women also have lots of useful infomation on their website about this process.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

Forum Moderator

[starlight.starbright]

Thank you so much for your words and advice.
Means a lot to me and I am glad to have found this forum.
I am sad to discover that this is common. The long-term damage this is causing families. Am putting things in place for me and children, but it is a horrific journey.

controlling men don’t like being stood up to do they. makes them far worse behaved. and I feel like finally i realise again and again yes, it was real and it did happen. and it is happening, but I have some back-up. i worry about posting here in case he reads what i have written, which sounds ridiculous I know, as it is anon and not specific. there are developments this week that i cannot share, but needless to say, he is managing to reveal himself rather rapidly to others now, which i understand to be a good thing, despite me being at the receiving end of them at present.

wish i had arranged a contact order years ago and avoided the damage he has caused. but i didn’t and this is where i am at and i am beginning to understand exactly what i am dealing with. knowledge is power. you are right Luckycat, “babysteps” describes it well. each day, he throws something else out of his pram, which hits me head on, but each day of no contact passes, a little bit of strength arrives. his emails and letters can knock me back to the floor, but have to pick myself up, dust myself down and take more steps. there are charities and there is help. i never knew! i no longer feel isolated by this and the hold he had, is slowly disappearing. i can see a long fight, as he has pulled out all the stops and told a lot of lies already and he wont stop. he never stops util he gets his way. not this time. no child should be subjected to verbal abuse of a person to another, no matter how quietly spoken and insidious it is sometimes. they need to grow up feeling safe around their adults and that is my main aim. and to mend the damage already caused. am exhausted. but staying positive.

[diymum@1]

I’ve come across this book which might help;when dad hurts mum,helping your children heal the wounds of witnessing abuse by Lund bancroft. It covers protecting your children and help them heal emotionally,provide them with positive role models even in the midst of abuse,increase your chances of winning custody and help your kids feel good about themselves xx knowledge is power and we can help you through experience any time 💕💕staying one step ahead is always good ☺diy mum xx

[starlight.starbright]

Thanks DIY Mum. X
Lundy Bancroft, Im familiar with – read Why Does He Do That last Summer. guess that’s when the penny started to drop for me. Children getting one to one support too now. I knew all along i think somewhere in my heart and soul, but hadn’t been able to stop him – nothing i did stopped him, yet everything i tried to put in place made him worse. I had gone for help a few times over the years, but not the right places it seems and the support now is very different to a few years ago. so i thought i simply had to put up and shut up. try repair the damage at home myself too. in such a hard place right now. the things that happened, years of horrible experiences and situations i found myself in, it is all washing over me when i least expect it. standing up to them is more terrifying that i could ever have imagined.
but thank you for listening to me and for offering advice. i appreciate. i guess sharing helps all of us get stronger and wiser.

[diymum@1]

Your facing a bully time after time, they just keep coming back at you. Using everything in their path to torment you and destroy you. They are the ones breaking the law here. You have it in your power to stop him in his tracks. Going no contact ie through a third party was the catalyst to ending the abuse for me. Once they cant get to you, they start to look for a new victim. If he puts your kids through the mill then thats the time to take him to court. The courts are improving. everything will be ok, time to take charge 🙂 any advice i can give you from my experience i will try to help xx best wishes diy

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