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[dancingdays2020]

I’ve been reading posts on the forum over the last month or so. I’ve been in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with someone much too young for me for the last (removed by moderator) months. I have such bad codependency issues and I jump from relationship to relationship as I cannot bear to be alone, this is my 2nd abusive relationship in the last year. I absolutely know I shouldn’t be in it and I know it’s abusive but for some reason I am still clinging on. I’ve tried to walk away about (removed by moderator) and end up going back. Fortunately we live far away from each other, which is why I feel so stupid as I keep travelling almost (removed by moderator) hours to go right back into this mess every week.

I’ve been slapped, my hair pulled, kicked, pushed over, punched, jabbed with pens, bitten, had cold water thrown over me, locked in/out of rooms, had my phone and laptop taken away from me, threatened with knives (to the point he even touched my skin with the blade), strangled, he has filmed me when crying and having a breakdown, threatened to – put intimate videos on the internet, to kick me out of the house naked in the middle of the night, to throw all my belongings out of the window and so on.

He’s cheated and lies to my face 24/7, he always has other womens numbers in his phone, some of whom have even mentioned my name, some of whom have been ringing him in the middle of the night, others he’s facetimed, texted saying he loves them. Whenever I pull him up for the wrong he’s doing, he loses it and ends up attacking me, he absolutely hates it when I confront him on his suspicious behaviour and when I’ve caught him out. Even writing this, I feel like such an idiot because how could I just keep going back to somebody who’s happy to treat me like this?

I know I have to leave. I’m yet to call WA or (removed by moderator) and get some help. I have contacted a local place regarding the Freedom Programme and I try do as much independent research as I can. I have photos of some of the injuries he’s caused me but I have been on the fence about going to the police, especially if I haven’t completely cut off all contact with him. I’m also worried as I think he has managed to get the address to (removed by moderator) house, which is where I live.

[fizzylem]

Sounds dreadful DD, and dangerous, if you go back again and he starts again I’d strongly suggest calling the police straight away, seems like it’s a given he will start again doesn’t it at some point – where will this end? Where will he take it next time? And it’s been bad enough already.

Or, even better, just don’t ever go back.

You’ve identified why you feel unable to stop this from happening and it repeating with each next partner, because you fear being on your own – he has learnt this about you, he knows he can do what he likes and you wont leave or end it, and he’s exploiting this for control and abuse; yes you’ve picked up a truly vile man here.

If you felt OK to be on your own he would loose all power and you would also feel much better feeling this way too hey.

My advice would be to not go back, block him on your phone and SM; go and see the GP or go to your local womens charity to get some counselling; to work on this fear of being alone. The more time alone you spend with yourself and the more obstacles you get over while partner free, the better you will feel, the stronger you will grow; if you are supported in counselling to do this, together you can make each obstacle manageble and overcome it. You need to get to a point where you feel yes I can do being on my own just fine now – in fact I rather like it this way.

I’m at the other end to you, I love time alone and so wont let a man into my world until I have known him for a very long time and I know he is nothing but kind – I protect myself and my life because I like it this way I feel it needs protecting.

If you felt good about yourself, your friends, the life you have, and OK to be without a man then you would too. Interestingly, I hardly ever feel lonely, as my friends and family fill this gap, so being on your own is also feeling you have support and a network to tap into – which your counsellor can help you to build as well.

It’s great you have worked this out DD; the bit you’re struggling with is I dont know how to change it, what can I do about it hey – but this can be done with the right support x

[Hopenotharm]

It is (removed by moderator) since I left my abusive partner. I left with the clothes I wore, and I’d got a few important documents out of the home ahead of me by post. I spoke to Women’s Aid twice in two weeks, and the second time they offered to help me leave, if that was what I wanted to do.
I see some people here who still have not found the courage to seek help locally to them.
I really understand this as I was terrified of someone seeing me go there, and my partner finding out. However, only by speaking to trained practitioners was I able to learned myself what was happening, enough to make the decision to leave. A series of questions led me to tell them everything that was going on. It was the first time I had heard my own story, and I was shocked. Being isolated and tense because of his behaviour, I was much too afraid of burdening anyone I knew. Plus I was embarrassed to relate his behaviour – I still had a strong sense of US, and shame at his behaviour in OUR marriage.
Sometimes the only way to get perspective on what is happening is to speak to trained people who offer confidentiality and can listen objectively, and help you understand and reflect.
I did the right thing. So relieved now I did.

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