17th May 2016 at 12:35 pm #17464
I am new to the forum. I was abit unsure about signing up, but I am glad I have as I have discovered I am not the only one. For a long time I have felt as if I am the only one going through this, and like it was all my fault however reading all your stories has inspired me to be more positive about life and to stop blaming myself for what happened to me. I am happy to say that I have escaped from the relationship a little while ago and have numerous supportive friends and family around me. It is just sometimes I find myself thinking about what happened during the relationship, it’s like I haunts me. I got married to this man very young and didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I mean, of course I understood to concept of marriage however I believe I was way to young and naïve to make the decision I did. We had to go to a certain place that has different laws on the legal age to get married and me and him were the only people there and nobody knew we were about to get married. This happened a very short period after I met him. In the beginning I thought everything was fine, when he stopped me going to college and work I thought he just enjoyed spending as much time as he possibly could with me. When he made me delete all of my social media accounts I thought this was just because he wanted all of me interest to be in him. When I turned the legal age to begin driving lessons and he wouldn’t let me he had me believing that this was just because he would prefer to take me wherever I needed to go. When he labelled my body with a tattoo of his name I just thought it was because he was proud of me. When he stopped me from taking my birth control I thought it was just because he wanted to start a family with me even though in the back of my mind I knew it was way too early for this. When he stopped me from seeing friends and family he would try to justify it and explain that they weren’t good for me and they just used me. When he made me clean the whole house daily I just thought it was because he was proud of his home. When he made me do online shopping instead of going out to the supermarket or shopping centres I just thought it was because he didn’t like being out in public. When he started to forced me to eat I thought this was just because he cared about my health. When he frightened me into believing he was going to kill be and bury me in his back garden if I ever tried to escape I hoped this was just because of how much he loved me. Since I only over saw him and no other people for a very long time I became conditioned into believing everything he said and did exactly as he wanted. It came to a point where I no longer had an opinion on anything, I just agreed with everything he said. When I wasn’t becoming pregnant he started buying me puppies, at the time I thought that this was just because he liked buying me gifts. However I now can see that this was just another way of keeping me there, as it’s not very practical to leave the house with no form of transport with (detail removed by Moderator) dogs and he knew I wouldn’t leave them at the house with him as he was abusive to them too and I loved them so much I couldn’t of left them there. Since his job didn’t involve leaving the house I spent every single minute of the day with him, even if I was to get in the bath he would sit in the bathroom as I washed. One thing that I am really struggling to deal with is the sexual side of the relationship. Which consisted of him getting men to come round to the house and sleep with me, this made me feel physically sick and worthless. All I wanted was a loving cuddle from somebody that genuinely cared about me and not to be used by all these awful men. The worst part is that he would film it, which had me so worried that he would put these videos somewhere, this was another thing he held over me. I thought I was stuck there forever living this life, doing the same thing every day, but then one night he argued with me and stormed out the house in a rage and left a door key hanging on the hook so straight away I called my family explained I needed a way of getting myself and the dogs out of the house and they were there to get me within minutes. I was so scared and I feel so lucky that he didn’t come back but I knew this was a risk I needed to take and I am so proud of myself for taking that leap of faith. It was like he wanted to control every aspect of me, he succeeded in isolating me from all my family and friends and I am angry at myself for letting this happen I am disappointment that I went from being a strong independent woman to feeling like an anxious little girl. When I first met him I had plans, I loved my job and was enjoying my college course, had lots of close friends, and couldn’t wait to start my driving lessons and progress in life but when I fell into his trap everything changed. I am trying to move on with life I have started the divorce proceedings, got a new job, I am taking regular counselling sessions, I have started my driving lessons, got the tattoo covered up, started to loose the weight I put on, started taking anti-depressant tablets and I have reconnected with old friends and I am so much happier and feel so free. I just wish that I could get over this feeling and the memories and the nightmares.
17th May 2016 at 6:24 pm #17472SerenityParticipant
I am very sorry to hear about all that you have been through, and I am so glad you are out.
These men up the abuse gradually and in such clever ways, we don’t realise they are doing it, and by the time we do realise things aren’t right, it’s difficult to get out.
He sounds like a very twisted and controlling, manipulative individual.
Well done for doing all that you have done to gain independence and to erase him from your life.
It’s very hard to get over abuse alone. Even though you are lucky to have great family and friends, they haven’t been through it and sometimes you need to offload or share, and get advice from, those who have.
If you call Women’s Aid, they should put you in touch with your local DV services, and they in turn should direct you to any local support groups near you. A Freedom course, where you will meet other women who have been through DV, will strengthen you and also be good therapy.
You should also be directed to a local DV counsellor, maybe at a donation rate. There are services like this for victims of domestic violence. I saw one for a year, and it helped me no end. I also returned for a bit later on, when I needed a bit of extra support.
18th May 2016 at 9:13 am #17504
Thankyou for the advice serenity! The week I came back I attended my doctors surgery and was referred to a councellor who I had five sessions with, however I found she wasn’t very understanding and at times I felt judged. So I wasn’t keen on attending these sessions, however I did ride them out in the hope they would benefit me in the future. I was then referred to harbour which was amazing so helpful and I felt so comfortable, I was then given the option to complete the freedom programme and I am now up to week five. Once I have completed that I am going to do the ten week Iplus programme. Are you still in an abusive relationship or have you managed to get out?
17th May 2016 at 10:46 pm #17491AyannaParticipant
Did you report him to the police? He may get a hefty sentence for what he has done to you.
You probably have PTSD. The sexual abuse was horrendous and also being imprisoned leaves marks on the soul.
Be patient with yourself.
It will take you some years to feel better. This is normal for all of us. Improvement does not happen fast, not after such terrible abuse. x*x
18th May 2016 at 9:15 am #17505
I am so scared of going to the police regarding the sexual abuse as I find it so hard to talk about aloud, and so I worry I am not strong enough to go through the courts etc. Thanks for the advice on being patient Ayanna I will try it. How long did it take for you to feel abit better?
18th May 2016 at 4:19 pm #17531AyannaParticipant
Did you speak to Women’s Aid? The police could raid his house for the videos. Then you are safe. They can never go anywhere and he could end up in jail. Don’t you want to let him pay for what he did to you? You could do him for illegal prostitution.
Did you contact Rape Crisis? They would be the right people to contact.
Also, if your family goes as witnesses you could do him for imprisoning you.
I am still not feeling good, hun. I am in a very dark place. I went through a lot.
Abuse is very damaging. I try to be patient with myself. Distraction helps a lot. My busy job is the only place where I feel that I am alive.
31st May 2016 at 12:22 pm #18378
I have spoken to the police and it turns out because I was under (detail removed by Moderator) on some of the files he can be charged with (detail removed by Moderator). I’m sad to here that you are feeling so low.
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