New to this and not sure..

[Runningaway]

Hi All
Thank you for taking the time to read this.I guess I just need advice or clarity that I’m doing the right thing and if it is actually emotional abuse.
I met my partner online (detail removed moderator)  ago. It was good at first and we spent a lot of time together during lockdown as I have been working from home. In the last few months when he had a drink he would turn verbally abusive calling me (detail removed by moderator) and the c word. He would accuse me of seeing my ex and sleeping with my (detail removed by moderator). I went out with my friends one day, he kept calling and saying I had been online (detail removed by moderator) all day and I hadn’t checked in on him (his (detail removed by moderator) died but he didn’t talk to him or get on with him and hadn’t seen him. In fact the reason for this was because he screamed at him and verbally bullied him so much his own mum called the police on him). He made me feel bad for going out with my friends and kept video calling me accusing me of being with someone else and saying he was going to send someone to my house. I was scared and ended up getting a burglar alarm fitted. When he sobered up he was great and he did for a few weeks then it happened again he drank continually for (detail removed by moderator) days straight. Threw my (detail removed by moderator) that I was working on on the floor, threatened to beat my (detail removed by moderator). I left the house (my house that I own- he doesn’t live with me) I was so scared. This sort of pattern occurs when he’s a had drink mainly, he blocks me then unblocks me on (detail removed by moderator), slags off my best friend and makes me feel bad when I see her. I had been feeling rubbish about things since before Christmas (I even booked to go away to visit friends but couldn’t go in the end because of COVID restrictions) kept forgiving him because I do genuinely care. I stopped drinking with him (just us having a few drinks indoors) as it made me uncomfortable and I was scared he would turn again)I told him in (detail removed by moderator) it was last chance and I wasn’t having it again and he did it again, more accusations of my (detail removed by moderator), saying I was on a (detail removed by moderator) dating site. Slagging off my house, threatened to contact my work to get me into trouble.
He would always turn it around and say I hadn’t been there for him, he lost a friend to suicide (not a close friend (detail removed by moderator) and blamed his behaviour on that. I supported him emotionally and financially, advised him about doing exercise would get him to go on walks with me and bike rides and even mentioned (detail removed by moderator) and maybe speaking to someone professionally. He told me had seen many counsellors before and it hadn’t helped him.
(detail removed by moderator) I told him I was unhappy and it was awful but I said he needed to acknowledge what he has done and get help to change how he is. He responded by saying (detail removed by moderator) (I am categorically not either of these) Then after that keep messaging me now saying he loves and misses me after calling me these things and how upset he is that I have done this to him.
I apologise for the long message. I just needed advice or clarity from someone other than friends and what is best to do going forward. It’s so hard because it’s so raw still and he is still messaging me even though I asked for space.
I have WhatsApp’s/emails with all the things he had called me, accused me and made me feel awful. A lot of it is verbal and that is what makes it difficult that he is making out I’m a liar. I care for him very much and don’t want to hurt him, when he is sober he is fine usually.

[Hawthorn]

Hi Runningaway, and well done for reaching out. In answer to your question yes what he is doing is abuse. Abuse is rooted in entitlement and a desire to have power and control over another person. Coercive control is a crime and what he is doing is against the law. Alcohol does not make a person abusive, lots of people drink or are alcoholics and they do not abuse their partners. These men don’t change and talking to him about his behaviour is like screaming into a void, it is totally pointless. Screenshot his abusive messages and make a diary recording his threats, continuous phonecalls etc then block him on everything. Phone the police ; 999 in an emergency or the domestic abuse team on 101. You could also use Claires law to find out if he has previous convictions for domestic abuse, these men are serial offenders. Abusers are dangerous and unpredictable when they are losing control so take the very best care and put your safety first. Reach out to women’s aid and tell your family and friends what has been happening.

You don’t deserve this and it is not your fault. He would treat any partner he had the same way. Google the power and control wheel, the cycle of abuse and trauma bonding. Knowledge is power. Living with the dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft are great books if you’re a reader. You are not alone. Keep reaching out here too. Sending a big hug xx

[Lookforward5678]

Hello running away

This is abuse and I hope your ok, you don’t deserve to be treated this way and no matter who they are with they will sadly always behave in this manner and it’s nothing you’ve done wrong . Ignore all of his messages or if possible block his details so he can’t contact you if you can’t then I wouldn’t reply and if he sends abusive messages I would contact the police because that’s harassment

[diymum@1]

Hey there, its all there unfortunately – emotional and verbal abuse /domestic abuse and coersive control. emotional abuse feels as bad as physical abuse so never underestimate it.Go with your gut feeling if your scared then keep him away. This situation does escalate and you are in danger. You need lots of support in staying away from this guy as we get trauma bonded. It took me (detail removed by moderator) to make my move! what a waste of time. This guy is trying to isolate you – blaming drink for his abuse – he is projecting on to you and intimidating you. you dont have to deal with him anymore, it will be tough at first but as your trauma bond starts to sever with no contact each day will get better. it takes time you will build resilience there will be bad days too thats when you need to reach out. read about what is happening to you its the first step forward xx you will recover and you will do this 🙂 much love diymum

[Runningaway]

Thank you so much all of you for your kind words and encouragement. I will look at these books and have been looking into Clare’s law. It makes me feel better knowing I’m not overreacting or being too sensitive. The no contact is best way. I will continue to try try to be strong, and know that I have done the right thing. Thank you to all of you and sending hugs to you all x

[diymum@1]

hugs back xx in that case look up trauma bonding it will help you stay away. it feels like giving up an addiction at first xx keep going were here to support you love

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