New, unblocked him, so downhearted.

[tiredbuthopeful]

Hi. Never posted before, but have been reading for a while. I’m so worn down by his inability to care about the kids. He doesn’t see them for months, then sees them a couple of times, then lets them down again. It breaks my heart. It’s always my fault because I’ll only arrange contact by email, and have blocked him on my phone etc. He (Detail removed by Moderator), and now says that he’s blocking my emails so (Detail removed by Moderator).

I have blocked him due to constant harassing and abusive texts, social media messages and voicemails. A restraining order that he breached over and over again. I blocked him for my peace of mind. If he actually cared about the kids, surely he’d just arrange to see them by email. But he twists everything and makes me feel like I’m the one stopping them from seeing their dad, because I won’t unblock him.

So I did today. Because he started messaging our daughter, who’s still (Detail removed by Moderator). Trying to make arrangements directly with her, which she knows he can’t do. So she’s upset and confused. The younger ones are upset because dad wants to see her but not them, and my oldest son, though still only young, starts trying to step in and act as the middle man between his dad and the younger kids. So I unblocked him and messaged him to arrange contact. Because rather me than them, dealing with his s**t.

But now I feel stupid, and like I’ve failed again. I was so resolute, and now feel like I can’t tell my friends and family what I’ve done, because they’ll tell me it was the wrong thing to do. I know it was the wrong thing to do. Just giving in to his power games, knowing they’ll only escalate. But I didn’t know what else to do.

Feeling pretty c**p.

[KIP.]

Please don’t feel bad. These men are master manipulators and it’s shocking that he would even consider using his children that way but sadly as you know they will use anything. They cannot stand when we go no contact and often their behaviour escalates. I would ring Rights for Women and ask about a restraining order that includes your children. He should be taking the appropriate legal steps to arrange access if he was really interested in proper regular access. Most solicitors offer free half hour advice and your local women’s aid should know how to help you moving forward. Many many of us on here broke contact more than once. These men know our weaknesses and they will use them. The fact that he broke a restraining order actually shows how little he cares about the consequences of the law and it actually makes him more dangerous. Keep all his abusive emails and correspondence. Perhaps getting a restraining order including the children and report the breaches to the police every single time until he gets the message that he has to use a solicitor and have a legally binding access in place. His behaviour will make you ill and cause his children heartache. This is child abuse. Get a power of arrest added to your restraining order and keep reporting any breaches to the police. He is obviously using contact to cotinue harassment. Meantime change the phone number of your children’s mobile phones and delete his x

[itwillbeokay]

I totally get how you’re feeling and also about the family thing, I’m just not as strong against his control and manipulations as I should be, I never have been and leaving months ago has not changed that. He rings when I want to just do messages as his tone and words, as always, mess with my head. I’m now in a ridiculous situation where every other weekend he takes our older but still very young son off me at a (Detail removed by Moderator) but doesn’t take the baby so in order for him to “spend time with the baby” he has us have coffee and visit the park in the sun etc but it’s more to do with spending that time with me I think to manipulate me and minimise and gaslight and hoover me etc. It totally wrecks me, I’m one step forward and two back because he’s on best behaviour but I can’t find the strength to say no and put a stop to it. Last time he kissed me goodbye on the cheek and it’s a lot of look after Mummy for me etc. It’s soul destroying and frustrating plus I don’t know what he’s saying to our son when he takes him overnight as he seems to come back hostile towards me. Most heartbreaking time of my life. I know what the textbook answer is but I can’t see how that would work for me and I just can’t do it. I am still in the fear obligation guilt zone but also I fear that the court would make me hand them over even more anyway so I’m trying to be reasonable without involving that.

I’m sorry you’re going through this too.

x

[tiredbuthopeful]

@KIP @itwillbeok I’m sorry for not replying straight away, but wanted to say how much your words meant to me. It’s so easy to feel that I’m overreacting, being unreasonable. No improvement yet, but ever hopeful x*x

[JaneEyre]

You all make me get in touch with reality……AGAIN!

Had serious doubts about my own mind tonight….how is that possible???

I can do this
I can do this
I can do this

JaneEyre 😞

[Author]

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