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    • #35553
      Midnight Marbles

      Just checked a few posts I put on here a year ago! Still in the same place, same confusion, same indecisiveness, same relationship!

      New councillor, same problem unearthed even though I was determined not to let my relationship issues cloud my anxiety issues!

      I so want there not to be a problem but can’t ignore it anymore.

      Driving home I just wanted not to go home, just drive to a friends, pour it all out and tell him I’d left him.

      I made myself determinedly go home and face him. What would my grown up children think if I didn’t go home?

      I just make sure my face is normal, my speech is normal and I act normal as I walk through the door. Just before that, my whole body had been shaking violently as I recalled how I had acted compliant as he had his way with me, trying not to be repulsed and accept this is just the way it is, I’m so ashamed I’ve let this happen.

      4 hours later I’m telling myself I’ve been over reacting again….. even though when telling the councillor, I’ve been brutally truthful.

      Just putting it down in writing helps.

    • #35565

      HI sweetie

      Just wanted to send u hug of support, please continue to post on here for support, it is good u r speaking with a cousnellor about your feelings, have u thought about calling the helpline and asking what other agencies could support u to leave, I can sense u are feeling trapped in the sense u know the beahviour is wrong but u feel u have to stay maybe cause its too late , what will others say? This is where u have to be so strong and think of yourself first, it is never too late even if your chilldren are older, have u spoken to your children about how u feel in the relationship, have u told him how u feel, i know he will prob think his not doing anything or blame u for his actions but i stillthink these men need to be confronted about their behaviour. We are brought up by society to think we have to take this , but we dont. I know its hard to leave but with right support it is possible, the first step always seems the hardest, i was petrefied of making the first step as it would mean my marriage was over and i would have to admit the truth. We all leave at different times when we feel we are ready, i dint even know there was a thing called light bulb moment when u know u just have to leave, I just want u to know im here to listen if u ever want to message me privateley, what also helped me a lot when i knew things had to change was having some one to listen to me , towards the end it felt loike i was so desperately rechiing out to particular agency to some how help me, having a friend just listen to me repeat the same thing was a blessing too, sometimes we just need to be listened to and constantly told in a calm way things are wrong and we can cope on our own. And writiing it down helps so much , i used to keep a diary of abuse which i used to write in when i was feeling really low, please do not give up, always reach out

    • #35645
      Midnight Marbles

      Thank you confused, I do feel trapped your right. I am also struggling admitting to myself that I’m in a bad relationship, I know that if I do then I have to do something about it and that’s so frightening in case I make the wrong decisions.

      I’ve never been on my own, I’ve been in this marriage for almost (detail removed by moderator) years! I know no different, so this could all be normal and I’d have nothing to compare it with. It could all me being over sensitive. I’m sure it’s not but this goes through my mind over and over.

      Writing it down really helps, putting it here means nobody who knows me will ever find it.

      Thankyou for listening and your support.

    • #35657

      Hi sweetie

      No thats fine this is what we are all here for to support each another. They say the longer u r with them it gets harder, i was with mine for (detail removed by moderator) years, it totally broke me, i thought their was no way out even when he was trying to kill me , i didnt even know i mentally shut down, so to feel frightend is totally normally, i was the same i was like omg if i leave and cant cope howe embrassing if i have to come back, i was already fearing the worse b4 i had even left. But u know what once u leave , your head clears up and u can actually think straight and make decisions u thought u couldnt. Another eye opener for me was when i was crying to this lady i spoke to at a support agncy to give me my options she said to me u keeping saying its too late, this man is telling u he is going to kill u within x months, he prob will, yor alive yet, it doesnt matter if it took u years to get strength, it will be too late when u are dead and u cant protect your kids,(detail removed by moderator). please call help line on womens aid and speak to them. Sometimes u just need someone to cry to and reassurance it will be ok. We can deny the abuse as much as we want, we are just harming our self emotionally and mentally. When i left my ex i was been abused so badly but his family kept saying it was ok we r here, in the end i didnt even know i was been abused, i numbed all my feelings, dont do the same it is soul destroying, Ith as taken me (detail removed by moderator) years to repair myself emotionally and mentally and soem days i still think im recovering. I think hearing other people stories give us encouragement that we are not alone, so please dont think im just talking about what happend to me, i want us ladies to share our exprience and give ideas and motivation for others how to leave

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