Newbie and need some advice please

[Imfree]

Hi everyone

so i left my partner (date removed by moderator) and had to flee with our children to safety at my mums, and after (detail removed by moderator) getting a non molesation order and then a temp occupation order until .(month removed by moderator)

Im arranging contact with the children via email with him, ive restricted the contact to (detail removed by moderator)hours unsupervised, he wants more time and im happy to agree this if he can just agree via solicitors to not drinking alcohol and driving, which he wont do. Any advise on what i should do next?

he had his licence taken away as was charged for drinking and driving (detail removed by moderator), he drnak and drove with both of our children earlier this year before i left him and it really does concern me, i dont think he will get drunk but i know him and he always has two- three pints which is over the limit if he goes to say a restaurant or pub with our children to play or eat.

He was abusive for a long period of time getting worse as time went on, our children witnessed alot of this, mostly verbal abuse, but also some physical aswell. I dont want to stop contact more so because our children love and miss there dad and they are very young and dont really understand why daddy doesnt live with us anymore.

has anyone been through simular or got any advise? i have a solicitor who seems to be charging me a fortune and not doing very much, im waiting to hear if his buying me out the family home aswell. i hate contacting my solicitor to chase it as everytime i do its costing me.

i feel so low at the moment ive had a close friend betray me and make up lies about things i havent said and i just feel like im stuck on top of giant mound of poop and people just keep dumping more on top of me. I just want some hope of my situation and my life improving, even though ive left my abusive ex i feel like the abusive ways are creeping into my life through other ports.
Many Thanks

[freedomtochoose]

I’m sorry you are experiencing this, it sounds like a lot. And also the stuff about the close friend betraying you is really difficult I feel for a lone parent (I am also one). I feel generally we get
particularly affected when people let us down as really our existence depends on the kind of support networks we can build going forward.

As far as the divorce is concerned looking back at my own process from a few years distance I’m thinking what would have helped me at the time…I think taking one step at a time. I too felt that things were moving really slowly, concerns about costs e.t.c. but part of that was not knowing what the process was and what would happen next (and I mean also the legal process, first the residence hearing, then the actual divorce and then the finance hearing).

Sorry I can’t offer more right now, here I am not having the best of days but will try to post again. On the whole it helps me and others maybe to accept that there will be better days and ones which seem like hard work. At any rate it is great that you are here!
all best
ftc
x

[KIP.]

I would report him to the police and have him breathalysed. He doesn’t have to know it was you but he is putting the lives of your children and others at risk. If he is drunk then a danger is taken off the road. If he is sober then it’s a warning to him and he may be more careful. You say your children love and miss their dad. They are children. You are the adult and their mother who they rely on to protect them. 3 hours with a violent domestic abuser who drinks and drives and terrifies and assaults their mother, a woman, is way too much contact in my books. Would you let another man who had committed these crimes near your children? My advice would be to limit contact with such a dysfunctional individual to the very bare minimum. For your own sake and the sake of your children’s mental health growing up. Sorry to be so blunt but I’m trying to save you from a further world of hurt. Concentrate on your own family unit. Take back control.

[itwillbeokay]

Just wanted to show my support as I am in a similar situation, I left a month or so before you and also with our two very young children to the safety of my parents. We now live in a flat near my family.

My husband drinks and was emotionally and verbally abusive, psychologically and threatening and intimidating, etc etc.

I do let him see the children but everything is up in the air and it does my recovery no favours whatsoever as there’s no one to do handovers so I have to see him every couple of weeks. He’s started having the older child overnight every couple of weeks and seems to be behaving himself but it’s not a sustainable situation really plus there is a younger child too that needs including!

I get the worrying about the drinking as I have to constantly assess how I feel about a situation as he also regularly has 2-3 pints as standard but he is relying on collecting our son by train at the moment and has not smelt of alcohol so far. As I say he is best behaviour at the moment. So I question my sanity probably!

I’ve seen a Solicitor once who didn’t seem to have much expertise around the reasons why I’d left and felt I should be seen to be being very cooperative which actually I am being. But the niceness will fade I’m sure when he starts asking for things I don’t want to agree to.

Sending support and I’ll be following this post xx

[Patti]

I left my husband after he tried strangling me..the look in his eye’s was pure hatred.he would say he’s an alcoholic would I help him I told him he can only do it himself but I would support him.he was so nice sober apart from he would be on his phone or watch tv making me lonely at times,on drink he would be either loving or nasty..im thinking of the times he was nasty he was a deep sleeper but he would punch me in the face and wake up immediately kissing me.he would slap Me,bite me saying he’s playing.afew times he would lie in bed saying I had a spot on my back…i never get spots…he would squeeze so hard and he wouldn’t stop when I said stop.i can’t stop thinking about how stupid I was to stay with a man who kicked ,pulled my hair coming into my face pushing his body onto mine pushed me about wanting a reaction out of me so he could hit more.im angry he has had no contact with me to say sorry for strangling me…all his exes he said accused him of abuse is true when he denied hitting women.this is torturing me I stayed and put up with him xx

[Imfree]

thank you all for your replies

the problem I have is  (detail removed by moderator) If I did goto court for a contact order it will mean possibly he gets more access, and it will cost me thousands and thousands.

Originally it was supervised contact at my friends and after good behaviour it has extended to unsupervised but limited times.

The children are both begging me to see him more, which is so hard as I want them to be happy. The abuse was witnessed by them but other than the occasions he was favouring one child and being emotionally neglectful of the other. He reminds me all the time via text message that he has the same parental rites as I do!!

Ultimately I want for them to have contact but for it to be safe contact and for them to enjoy their timewith him.

They do report back to me after contact and generally its all ok, only that his saying things and maybe not following through with them, or saying he loves us all and misses us all and wants me to join them etc. This is hard as I have to then try to explain to them that daddys being a kind good daddy now, and when we were together it wasn’t a happy time for us.

last poster – please don’t feel ashamed or bad we stay because we hope and prey things will improve, they will see the error of their ways and change. But of course this day never arrives so we have out “breaking points” all we can do is work on ourselves and happy futures were we can live without fear or sadness that were get hurt again.

xx

[KIP.]

It’s the judges that condem our children to a lifetime of abuse. The system is slowly changing and abuse to the mother in front of the children is now child abuse. Sadly some judges still live in the Middle Ages. The NSPCC have a great helpline and women’s aid are good also. I know how the court can work against you. From what I read on here, every father starts by giving an oscar winning performance of father of the year. Then they slowly revert to their selfish nasty ways and the children suffer. Do not listen to a word he says. Knowing how abusers work I would fight all the way for limited supervised contact, although he will fight just to upset you then most of them move on with someone else and the kids are left broken. So build a good fulfilling life for you and your kids because you will have to be their rock x

[Author]

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