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Never really done this sort of thing before but here goes.. I left my abusive relationship many years ago when I was (detail removed by moderator) pregnant . I never received any help or support at the time so never came to terms with what I went through. The effects have lessened over the years but I still get triggered , raised voices , certain things that people say or maybe just a song on the radio. Iget flashbacks to certain times which causes me to take it out on my partner . A week ago I was informed that my ex had died , which brought back a 101 thoughts and feelings and none of them good and since then I’ve been a mess , and once again took it out on my partner which ended badly . When does this all end , why do things that happened years ago still manage to have that effect on me , still ruining my life
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Hi my beautiful Angel… Cookiegirl,
Welcome to the forum and well done for posting … I know it takes a lot to put things down in writing.
You will definitely get help and support on here.
However long ago your relationship was that was abusive if you have not worked through it, it will always be there in its darkest form waiting to take you down when you least expect it.
Your ex dying must have been a huge trigger, but as you say even little things like a song on the radio can set you off, so you do need to address things.
You have to ”feel to heal” so even though time has passed, if all you did was burry your feelings they are still there and need to be addressed.
Counselling is a great way to do this, make sure you get someone who you connect with and has experience in this area.
Alternatively if that is not an option journaling is a great way to unravel your thoughts and feelings and also through meditation. When the feelings start to rise, just let them and then let them pass. You don’t even need to attach a story to them. Just allow yourself to have them and release them.
Do your research as well, there are some great books, Youtube videos etc out there and through this forum alone you will get some great advice, hints and tips.
I hope the relationship you are now in is a safe and healthy one?
Keep posting and stay connected
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx -
Hi there it’s trauma. Until we deal with the trauma you will have triggers. Seek out some good trauma counselling. Read The Body Keeps The Score. There is lots of help out there and so much more is known about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You might want to seek out couples counselling too so that your partner understands what you’re going through. I was wrongly told my ex had died and I felt euphoric. That was several years ago and I’m not sure how I would react now. I’ve had my ‘closure’. Years of therapy and education around abuse and trauma. I think I’d be relieved that he won’t ever hurt another person x
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Thank you both for your replies , it means so much . I started seeking help a couple of years ago doing 1-1’s and then group therapy and things helped for a while until I’d get triggered and regress back . The problem is when I get triggered I can’t control myself and my partner suffers as a result . Due to getting triggered after I was told my ex had died I didn’t handle it well at all and it resulted in my partner leaving me as it went to far. Now I’m trying to deal with that as well as the unwelcome memories from my past …
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Don’t be to hard on yourself … it is a journey and takes a lot of work and investment in yourself, but by even posting on here is a step in the right direction to addressing what needs to be addressed.
Be kind to yourself and take each step at a time.
I have been away from my ex for 5 years this year, its like grief, it never goes away but it does get more manageable.
What helped me is finding my strength from what I had been through and not allowing myself to be a victim or for this to be my story… I knew there was a lesson in it and this was not going to define my whole life.. I would not allow him to have that, he took away enough of my time already.
Stay strong … you got this my Angel xx -
Perhaps it was the wrong kind of therapy for what you needed. I had help with triggers and how to deal with them. EMDR is great for trauma. I’d talk to your GP and ask for a trauma counsellor who does EMDR. trauma centred cognitive behaviour therapy I found good too. Mind over Mood is a good CBT book. There’s no quick fix I’m afraid. Just hard work unpicking the damage done by abuse. Like a huge ball of knotted wool x
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