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I realised only days ago that I must leave my emotionally abusive husband. We were reconciled in (detail removed by moderator) after I filed for divorce after catching him cheating. He so easily convinced me he was sorry & ashamed & that he loves me & wants to make me happy. We are close to retirement after (detail removed by moderator) of marriage. I thought it was worth a try. The feeling of being loved was just amazing for me. It lasted a week before red flags came up. He “accidentally on purpose forgot my birthday”, he had a rage when I dared to go off my own bat to a (detail removed by moderator) I caught him texting (detail removed by moderator) to his girlfriend and he had gone fully back to sidelining & ignoring me most of the time whilst expecting me to be his personal servant. (detail removed by moderator) into our reconciliation we were right back to old ways.
Except that this time I had, albeit briefly, tasted the elation of being loved. I could more easily put my finger on what is wrong. Emotional abuse chips away your soul in small pieces. Most incidents if taken in isolation could be passed off as petty or whinging. For example if you never get your first choice of coffee bar to go for weekend elevensies, it sounds weedy. But if you never get to choose anything, if your every want need is ignored, devalued and disregarded it joins with a mountain of other slanders, slights and devaluations to form a rib crushing weight of sadness. I tasted respect & it’s finally given me insight to know it’s wrong to remain silent and continue to live this less than half a life.
So today I wrote a difficult but heartfelt letter to my grown up daughters. I saw a debate on the forum about how much to tell your adult children. I’ve set out pretty much the lot. I want them to be fully in the picture as although he didn’t control them directly they were brought up in a toxic environment & must have been affected. I want them to seek therapeutic help. I want them forwarded of their fathers future lies and smear campaign that is about to start. I might need their help financially as for sure he will play games with our money once he realises it’s the only link left to me. I have told my girls also that I won’t let them be go betweens. I have a lawyer for that.
We are expats (great way to find yourself isolated from friends and family- thankfully I have a sisterhood around me.) Between the date of our reconciliation and my “enlightenment” we had booked into couples counselling, very reluctantly on my husbands part. He actually stated that he would lie to the counsellor. The Appointment is on (detail removed by moderator). I am planning to leave & return to the UK ASAP but the practicalities take time. e.g. flying my (detail removed by moderator) has to be booked (& paid for – tricky to hide from my husband as it’s mega expensive and he tracks my use of the debit card.)
I am frightened of going for the couples counselling- I have lost all hope that he wants to change, if he can. Before I woke up to his toxic ways I wanted to describe to him that I want to feel loved, valued & respected. That I feel the opposite of it, that I need full disclosure about his infidelity (infidelities) as people in love want to be honest to hope to re-build trust. My husband is already boiling with rage & resentment at me having dared to file for divorce & confront him with evidence of his infidelity. (I had photos of streams of WhatsApp messages- they were very graphic and totally incriminating.) I now know he feigned regret & the love bombs. He is at an all time powder keg of rage. I know the leaving is risky. He hasn’t been particularly violent so sat but I am still wise to be afraid. He used violent acts to punctuate his ire at times. Throwing, kicking things. Shoving me, shoulder barging me out of the way. It intimidates and asserts his dominance.
I am thinking to talk gently to him about cancelling the couples counselling (I can’t leave before due to the cat – I don’t really trust my husband with the cat, we live on (detail removed by moderator) & he does, against my will, let the cat out (detail removed by moderator). I have fathomed at last that my husband doesn’t possess empathy for anyone – maybe any creature). After I leave having cancelled the couples counselling could give fuel to his smear campaign- that I didn’t even try. But on balance I am far more afraid of any backlash of going.
Anyway so far I have the packers coming tomorrow to give me a quote, the people who will transport the cat coming (detail removed by moderator),an army of girlfriends who will come on the assigned morning to pack my transport boxes that will be delivered empty and picked up full the same day. The cat and I will go before my husband gets home from work. I will send my girls my letter and I will stay a couple of nights in a hotel apartment the name of which I will divulge to no one. Paying for it on my sole named UK account so he can’t track it. I meet the lawyer on this Thursday to instruct her.
Wish me luck ladies. May you all know freedom and peace.
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I wish you the absolute best of luck Eunice Annie you sound very aware indeed and made the right choice to decide for a life free of his abusive ways.
Make sure he can’t access your bank accounts, deny him access, change your logins, get hold of your own finances.
I know you’ve got everything set in order but you could still call the helpline here they might have some additional safety tips for you.
Keep posting and let us know how everything goes
Sending you strength 💪 -
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Oh my word ladies, thank you so much for your words of support. We had one of those more normal, connected evenings last night. I soon found the “soft girl” voice in my head. “Maybe he could change”.
Before I read your replies I had already re-inforced my resolve & reminded myself that I need to be respected & considered an equal all the time & that that can’t ever happen. I had raided my memory bank for the words to beat down the doubts. But reading your words has helped more than you can know. Thank you. Just getting ready for the packers to come & look at my stuff to give me a price.
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I know only too well that voice which raises doubts. I am not yet out but making plans. When things are good they are great but the monster always returns. Not particularly physical but the emotional abuse is horrendous.
I have been writing things down so when doubts creep in I can go back and read how the real him treats me. It breaks my heart and I wish he would change but we’ve been here a thousand times and the cycle continues.
As a good friend told me the other day “you’re entitled to leave a relationship that no longer makes you happy”. People leave relationships all the time because they are unhappy, no longer love the other person. They choose to put themselves first even when there is no abuse. Yet why do we find it so hard to put our needs first?!
Those things you want aren’t unreasonable and when you’re away you can focus on living your life how you want to. Think about all the things you want to do. I think you’re more than prepared for the smear campaign but deep down he knows and he’ll have to live with that. -
Sending you lots of luck for your move. I hope things go smoothly for you and I’m glad you’re able to take your cat with you. Pets bring us so much joy and unconditional love.
Keep cuddling kitty! All the best 🍀-
Hetty – you sound like you are almost there. What you said about how hard it is for us to leave resonates especially. We have been chosen by our abusers as people who do / can care for others feelings. We don’t want to hurt our abusers by leaving if we can avoid it. Yet we know they are ready to hurt & emotionally harm us as soon as the opportunity arises. As soon as they feel we are safely ensconced in the relationship. Anything is better than staying for more hurt.
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I am so glad you have friends around you, supporting you. I have found it hard confiding in friends. Some say just leave now but that’s hard when you get kids are to be considered. As another poster states “get your ducks in a row”. This is what I’m working on. Leaving in a planned and sensible way to safeguard my child and keep disruption minimal. Others say have yourself a night out. Like that’s going to fix my problems?!
Looking back I see all of the early red flags. When he showed his real self and I was blinded by love. How I wish I could turn back time.
Planning to leave while living in the facade is so very difficult. It takes a lot of inner strength and bravery. At times my heart has been beating so fast I thought it might burst through my chest. Constant doubts and I sometimes can’t even trust my own mind, it plays tricks on me.
Freedom is so very close for you now. -
Eunice Annie your post is eloquent and so helpful. I wish you so much luck and please, please come back and tell us how every aspect of it goes.
I, too, have just realised what is going on, and I, too am scared. I too have children – not quite adult, but not children either, and I, too, will have to explain to them because otherwise I know they will be poisoned against me and fear he will punish me through them, by making them suffer.
Your description of “the little things” which mount up is so true. You talk about not choosing the coffee shop you’ll go to, my example would be having the radio station I listen to turned off when he comes in the room. If I were to object then I would be told that it was rubbish. So I don’t object. I just take it. I want to limit the c**p I have to take. It’s not bad all the time. Sometimes it’s fine, really fine. Sometimes it’s not fine, makes me feel sad and sick, and sometimes, it’s really bad – not physical, but a real irrational explosion that makes me not want to be here any more. And it’s at those times that I know I have to organise myself to be ready to leave when the time is right. It’s not good saying no, it’s fine now, because the point is that there will be another moment when it’s not, and it’s then that those ducks have to be sitting waiting in their row.
Thank you, Eunice Annie, for giving me strength again. Please keep us posted.
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