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    • #171654
      bov94
      Participant

      I’ve had a sudden exit from a long marriage and I now recognise that it was abusive, at least for the last decade. Financial abuse with associated coercive control/emotional abuse. I’ve been left with a massive amount of debt (which I didn’t know about) and the police are involved due to the complexity of the financial abuse and associated fraud.

      I am so conflicted about what to do regarding what I tell the children (primary school ages (detail removed by Moderator) years old) and what to do about contact with their father.

      Contact wise, my gut tells me supervised face to face visits are fine. They love him, I’ve never had concerns about his behaviour towards them and they miss him so much I can feel their pain. They have had (detail removed by Moderator) supervised visit with him so far and other contact has been via FaceTime, managed by a 3rd party (family member).

      I have people telling me I should stop face to face contact between him and the children, and keep with just video calls. It is my family saying that, but also my solicitor (who is handling the divorce). I can’t decide if this is sensible advice or coming from a place of being overly protective. Or is my judgement clouded.

      So far, the children don’t know we are separated. (detail removed by Moderator) they know he is in hospital and assume that’s why he isn’t home. I just don’t know how and when to address this with them and it’s these issues that are causing me the most pain at the moment. I wonder if anyone has experience or advice they can share.

    • #171670
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi bov94,

      Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting about what you’re going through. I hope that you find the forum a helpful place to share support with other women.

      It’s really important that you’re in control of decisions about what you want to happen and do what feels right for you. That includes decisions about child contact. Unless there’s a court order in place, you can always change the arrangement if it’s not working, you have concerns over your children’s wellbeing, or he’s using contact as a way to abuse you.

      It can be hard to speak to young children about change like you’re going through. There’s a section on ‘How to talk to children about abuse’ in our Survivor’s Handbook that you might find helpful. If you’re not already in touch with your local domestic service then you could reach out for some ongoing support, often local services will have dedicated children’s workers. Hopefully some other users will be able to share with you soon about experiences of speaking to their children after leaving and what they found helpful.

      Take care and keep posting,
      Lisa

    • #171683
      bov94
      Participant

      Thank you Lisa for your reply and advice. I have found a local service in your directory and have reached out.

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