5th January 2022 at 8:21 pm #136579Whoopi5-Participant
Hi, so I’m completely new to this and it maybe a long one!
I own a house with my partner and we have a young daughter.
It was rocky before she came along, I had jealousy the first (removed by moderator) of the relationship (which i addressed) but after that he became easily angered and would loose it quickly. As an older mum and going through IVF I stuck with it as she was what we wanted.
When she came along he changed even further, he became angry and didn’t treat me very well after giving birth. Nothing physical, but emotional drainage with the things he used to say and shout.
He has suffered with mental health issues, physical health issues and now fast forward to (removed by moderator) years on we sleep in separate bedrooms (which he blamed on his health) and don’t really have any relationship at all.
He gets angry a lot and looses it and he had gone over the top with our daughter.
In short, he doesn’t work and spends 90% of his time in the spare room and when he does interact with our daughter he takes her up with him.
I know it’s time to leave, but whenever I talk about it he says he doesn’t want the family to split and then gets angry, the last episode was he put the Christmas tree (removed by moderator) and took all the decs down (removed by moderator)!
He has rage incidents through drink, he doesn’t drink, but does at social events and now after numerous times of upset he’s not invited. The rage incidents happen at home verbally or he’ll lash out on my things. I hate to say it but the last incident was he raged with our daughter, not physically but emotionally and I know it upset her.
Getting to the point I want to reason with him and explain we just can’t live together as I can’t live with the way he is anymore, but I am scared on how he will react so am constantly avoiding it.
We’re tied into a (removed by moderator) year mortgage, I work (removed by moderator) days a week now since having our daughter and he doesn’t work, so I just don’t know how I can afford to move out or how to get him to move out.
Ideally we need to agree on one or the other to by one out or if we can’t afford it sell up, but I know he’ll just not want to and I fear he’ll get angry.
Can anyone help with the next best step to take?
I haven probably been ‘lenient’ on describing his behaviour on this post, but I do know my mental health is now suffering and it’s just not the right environment for our daughter.
5th January 2022 at 9:11 pm #136582Bestchance07Participant
I am sorry to hear your story. It sounds like you really haven’t had it easy and I feel your frustration. I have the same issues with the fixed rate Book yourself a session with an independant mortgage/financial advisor. Depending on the product, you have options.
I am moving out of my jointly owned property and found that universal credit can sometimes help in cases of DA with housing costs (waiting to hear hpw much help tbh!) The help is there for a short period of time whilst arrangements are made for the house to be sold/bought out etc.
Hopefully some of the others on here can offer some advice too
Stay strong and keep going. Sometimes all the info seems overwhelming. The best piece of advice I was given so far is to treat leaving as a full time job. Journal everything, use every resource possible, plan ahead.
5th January 2022 at 11:11 pm #136589Whoopi5-Participant
Thankyou Bestchance, I will look into speaking with a financial advisor or even perhaps our mortgage lender themselves, but not sure what info they could give without including my partner.
I feel overwhelmed with everything, I want to shout to everyone how unhappy I am, but I don’t I just carry on.
It’s not an everyday occurrence the emotional abuse, but when it does happen I feel so anxious, angry and sad and now I just exist with the life we have and I suppose hope it’ll change (but I know it won’t)
I’ve gathered evidence on my phone and made notes for a couple of years now, not to try and catch anyone out as such, but in case I’ll ever need it if things changed for the worse and it actually helps!
Thankyou again x
6th January 2022 at 1:42 am #136592gettingtiredParticipant
Hello, I don’t have experience of this but I’ve read on the forum before that’s it recommended to find a solicitor with domestic abuse experience and to get a free initial consultation.
Have you contacted your local women’s aid for support? This would be something else that is recommended as well as books such as Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft (which is free to download online I believe). It sounds like you’re already so unhappy, you know it’s abuse and that you need to leave for your own mental health and your daughter’s well being. It’s just the feeling of being trapped and walking on eggshells around them. I’m not out yet so I know how hard it is but I can imagine it’s so much more stressful with a baby and a mortgage to sort out. Keep posting and reaching out for support though as we are all here to help one another on the forum xx
6th January 2022 at 2:24 pm #136615ISOPeaceParticipant
Hi there, well done for finding the courage to plan your exit. It know it’s not easy.
What your daughter witnesses has a big impact on her. But more than that, she is living in a household where she feels unsafe. If you feel unsafe, so does she. Even if she doesn’t witness much of the abuse she is just as affected as you. This doesn’t make you a bad mum, you are doing the best you can. But is is important to get her out of that environment.
If you’re married, definitely speak to a solicitor, because selling the house will be linked to the division of marital assets. I would also speak to a solicitor about your daughter. I was advised to make it clear that I wasn’t witholding the kids from him after I left, so he wouldn’t have grounds of accusing me of parental alienation. You may have different advice depending on how you will share child care.
Please don’t reason with him about leaving. He will just use it to his advantage somehow and you will be left emotionally battered. Of course you want to, it’s what normal people want to do. But abuers don’t act like normal people. Read up on abuse to make more sense of it. Keep all your plans a secret. Leaving is the most dangerous time, because you take away his power. Even if he’s never been violent, that could change. Apparently the best indicator of abusers killing thier partner is the level of control rather than previous violence. Don’t tell him you’ve left until you’re safely away. Other can advise how this works if you get him to leave.
For me it was really important to focus on what was really important. I spent ages worrying about little things that didn’t really matter. The most important thing was getting me and my kids out safely. Anything that seemed to make things more complicated or time consuming wasn’t really important. Sending love and luck xxxx
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