14th December 2020 at 9:33 pm #117810midnightshadowParticipant
I have been having so many nightmares. I had a really awful dream to do with our son. I was begging him to be reasonable about doing something in our sons best interests which was me staying as he didn’t want me to go
And I put my hands quite romantically on his face and begged him with him looking in my eyes. He just laughed in my face and told me I was stupid.
It made me think of why I dreamt it like that. How could I dream me doing that to him after the abuse and after more recent events? Where he has really show his true colours. It makes me feel sick. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t desire him in that way anymore. But I still think what would have happened if I didn’t leave? Would he have changed? The answer is probably no as he abused his next girlfriend. But what about in years’ time. Would he have changed?
I feel so lost. Like a broken person just walking, zoning out. It feels like whatever he has this hold on me. I doubt he is struggling to sleep, I doubt he feels sick all the time with worry, so anxious, struggling to concentrate, having nightmares and this overwhelming replay of events going round what feels like every second I have some silence. Why is it so hard to concentrate on the now?
15th December 2020 at 5:21 pm #117845GreenSapphireParticipant
I think you are describing trauma. After I finally left the relationship I would awake from nightmares too. I would also be stuck replaying scenes and conversations over and over and over again in my head, like the same DVD was stuck in the machine. Sometimes I would lose all track of time stuck in the mental noise, I may have been there like that for 10 minutes or 2 hours. I honestly couldn’t tell you, I don’t know.
Have you had any counselling at all? Are you in any therapy? I had counselling and it was very helpful. I also found educating myself by reading and watching everything I could lay my hands on about abuse and abusers to be very helpful. I also found soothing music such as rain sounds to help bring down my anxiety and help me get back to sleep after a nightmare. If that didn’t work I would watch spiritual gurus such as Eckhart Tolle and Sadhguru on YouTube. Before Covid, I was also weight training. All these things add up to help you along the recovery process.
It’s ok to be angry. No he hasn’t changed, you’ve said so yourself. The next poor woman got abused too. The one after her will be abused also and the one after that and that’s what he’ll do to every woman who comes into contact with him. He’s an abuser, this is his MO.
16th December 2020 at 7:52 pm #117910midnightshadowParticipant
Thank you for you reply!
Does it ever get any better? Does it ever fully go away or comes back from time to time? I struggle so much with the nightmares and the constant inner conversations, like you said, with him.
I have found that counselling is the only thing that has kept me going to be honest. Thank you for your advice. I will have to try some of those other things. I have found reading similar experiences on here rather eye opening.
You are probably right. He won’t ever change and I don’t know why I keep arguing with myself that perhaps he has suddenly changed how he behaves and maybe I am being the one who is being to harsh by not allowing unsupervised contact with our son. It’s just so draining to go through the thoughts and the nightmares and me arguing with myself or him in my head. I don’t know why I doubt myself.
16th December 2020 at 10:06 pm #117928GreenSapphireParticipant
Does it ever get any better? Yes, it has for me. I don’t have nightmares anymore and I haven’t had one for I guess about a year or a bit more. I still do get the mental noise but when it comes I have been able to switch my mental focus and so I can stop it now within a few minutes before it grabs hold of me. As I said, I used to be go into a state where I would be stuck physically and mentally by my mind for hours at a time I reckon. Sometimes it’s easier than others but like everything it’s progress. I’ve been able to do this by trying out a lot of different techniques and it took practice, but I learned some basic breathing and meditation techniques from a Buddhist centre in person and from spiritual people such as Eckhart Tolle and Sadhguru online as I said before.
There are lots of teachings on the Internet from lots of different people. It’s worth trying a few out and see what suits you. The repetitive stories and conversations which play over and over again like a stuck record stopped too. This took time to handle as well and I learned this from the people I mentioned previously. It’s meant a world of difference to me, it’s meant I can go about my days more freely and not feel haunted every waking moment.
Recently, I had some repressed memories come out of what felt like nowhere and grabbed me in a panic. The first panic took total hold, the second panic I was able to use breathing and mind distancing to keep myself grounded. I’ve not had a panic since even when this new memory pops up. I can think about it and feel it but without the terror and panic. Someone on here recommended some books to me to help and I’m reading those at the moment. The Body Keeps the Score is what I’m reading and it explains trauma and why the body and brain keep you in the repetitive loop. I think that when you can understand what is happening to you and why it really helps to ease it. All these things do eventually add up to noticeable progress in my experience so far.
No I don’t think you’re being harsh, it sounds sensible. You’re protecting your child from someone who is not trustworthy. Try not to be hard on yourself, although I know it’s easier said than done. Recovering is a rollercoaster, it takes time and it takes effort on my part. One thing I said to myself sometime ago now was that I accept I may never understand fully why he did what he did but I accept that it happened. This helped a lot. I don’t have all the answers to the questions that ran rings around in my mind and one day I just admitted that I was tired and drained and also rather bored of trying to find them. This is when acceptance kicked in for me. Then I started to sleep better and feel better and slowly, with all the techniques I had picked up on the way, the heaviness started to lift.
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