12th January 2021 at 11:27 am #119636
I’m new to this, I’ve also not spoken to anyone regarding my recent abusive relationship (other than a couple of friends). It has been a few months with no contact from my end, he is blocked. Although he occasionally tries to get in my head. Especially recently. Is this why I’m now having more nightmares?
I feel strong enough not to contact him however most nights I have nightmares of the things I went through in the relationship so I wake up feeling confused and angry at the situation. I have so many questions for him that I know I will never get answers to and that really hurts. I keep thinking am I having these nightmares because I don’t have any answers or is this my body trying to process what happened. I suppose I’m writing this because I don’t really know what to do what to think or how best I can help myself feel some sort of normality.
It’s probably normal to feel like this? But for how long?
I hope there’s someone who might be able to give me some hope that things will be okay.
Thank you all.
12th January 2021 at 1:18 pm #119638ISOPeaceParticipant
so sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. You have been so brave to leave and stay out of contact. I haven’t left yet so I can’t comment on how you feel after you’ve left, but some wonderful ladies here recommended I read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. You can find it free online. It explains why abusers do what they do. You might find it answers your questions without you needing to know the detail. I have to say that it made a lot of sense of my husband’s behaviour. Sending love xxxxxx
12th January 2021 at 2:47 pm #119641
That is really helpful. Thank you for your response. I will defiantly give that a go.
Stay Safe. X*x
12th January 2021 at 1:47 pm #119639ScarecrowParticipant
Firstly, well done for being so strong and getting yourself to the place that you are in now. Sadly there won’t be any answers from your abuser, but any step forward is a positive one.
I left my abuser (detail removed by moderator) and sometimes the nightmares take over for weeks on end. I tend to try not to think about things too much and i think that my brain processes it when i am asleep as i refuse to acknowledge it while i am awake.
There are a lot of books available that might help, as well as youtube resources. I had therapy, which helped me more then anything else. I found a local charity who offered counselling to survivors of s*xual abuse and they pulled me out of a massive slump.
Be kind to yourself, give yourself as long as you need to get back to your normal. Be aware that your new normal might be slightly different to you old normal, but that is ok.
Definitely come on here and ask questions, no matter how small or silly you might think they are – someone will be sure to be able to help.
Stay strong x
12th January 2021 at 2:49 pm #119642
Thank you for responding. I can resonate with that, I think maybe thoughts are coming out while I’m asleep. It’s such a scary thing. It feels so real and sometimes makes me want to contact him.
I will look into the local support.
Thank you so much. Today has been a tough one battling with my mind, but knowing this forum is here, is a big help.
Stay safe x x x
12th January 2021 at 2:13 pm #119640GreenSapphireParticipant
I’ve been free for (detail removed by moderator) years now. It takes as long as it takes to recover and it takes some effort on our part too. There is nothing abnormal about what you are describing, this is trauma you are experiencing which has been caused by the abuse you’ve suffered. Well done for reaching out for help and support. Therapy, counselling and education are all integral to us getting better and healing.
I was recommended this book to aid trauma; ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ by Dr Bessel Van De Kolk, which I’ve read and recommend. It explains trauma and why and how we can help ourselves and be helped.
Anything that gives you comfort such as keeping the light on at night or cuddling a pillow/teddy or spraying your pillow with a scent you love are all good ways to calm yourself after you’ve had a nightmare. I have personally used rain/nature/white noise sounds to go to sleep to. I use meditative techniques too and listen to spiritual speakers who resonate with me. Others will find and use different calming techniques which suit them.
Any contact with him will worsen your feelings and thoughts. It is better that you have absolutely zero to do with him if that is possible. You will have lots of questions yes, I recommend reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans as well as Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.
Others will suggest other things too I imagine x
12th January 2021 at 2:52 pm #119643
That’s a brilliant idea, thank you. I will try that and hope it helps! I would have never thought of those.
I will give some books a go. Hoping to find some answers and stop looking for them within the relationship we once had.
It’s difficult knowing the relationship felt so perfect but was so far from it. It was just the manipulative power hungry abusive man who made me believe we had it so good.
Thank you so much. X x x
12th January 2021 at 5:32 pm #119646LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum! I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.
I am sorry to hear that you are having nightmares, getting some support or counselling would be a really good idea. You can find details of your local domestic abuse service who may be able to offer support here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on,
12th January 2021 at 6:22 pm #119648
Thank you for your message.
12th January 2021 at 6:07 pm #119647EmpoweredhealingParticipant
Hi Heythere, so glad that you are reaching out for support.
I would guess that there is still a lot of grief, pain and even trauma that your mind haven’t been able to process yet. Abusive relationships are traumatic. The mind tend to dissociate and push these feelings/memories into the subconscious. Once you are out of danger, they’ll start to bubble to the surface in an attempt to be healed.
I was really frustrated when I was still having very painful crying fits at night for months after the relationship. My therapist asked me why and I didn’t have a good answer at the time. I wasn’t yet aware of the pain that was still yet to be dealt with.
What I learned is to try not to rush the process. Actually, it can’t be rush anyway. After trauma, recovery is the next step. Fill your life with as many positive experiences as you can. Once you have gotten stronger, then it may be time to do the healing trauma work. This is hard work and can be very painful. Which is why recovery is so important before we can tackle it.
Well done. You are taking all the right steps.
12th January 2021 at 6:24 pm #119649
Thank you so much. This definitely hit home.
I think I will be more kind to myself and know it’s okay to have a bad day.
Thank you x*x
12th January 2021 at 9:52 pm #119653ISOPeaceParticipant
Look up trauma bonding/traumatic bonding too. Somebody here recommended it to me as I also didn’t understand why there was such a pull. I’ve just started reading about it. It was a relief to know that it’s common to feel a strong bond with your abuser and also that you can break it. Xxxxx
13th January 2021 at 1:31 pm #119670
That sounds great. Thank you xx
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