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    • #73345
      LizSKY
      Participant

      I got out of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship a short while ago. He was arrested because he assaulted me and has moved out of the family home.

      When he was arrested they asked if he had ever done this before, I said no.

      I don’t know why I couldn’t be honest then when I had the opportunity. He can now have unsupervised contact with our children, I don’t know if me explaining that the abuse was a regular occurrence would have made any difference to contact but now I do worry. I feel like he is getting away with it.

      As soon as he was able to have access he said he was taking them away on holiday, he messes me around with days, says he will have them then changes at last min so I have to rearrange work and then tells people I don’t give him contact. He doesn’t drive so I’m expected to do pick ups and drop offs and he won’t have them overnight incase I try to meet someone else.

      Although the situation has improved, I still feel like he has that control. If he doesn’t like what he hears he still gets angry and starts shouting at me in the street.

      I’m not sure I can carry on like this because the children are more at risk of witnessing this than they were before. I don’t have anyone to help me with arranging contact with him.

      Does anyone have any advice on how stopping contact went or if going back and reporting the full extent of the abuse will help?

      Thanks xx

    • #73347
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. You could use a contact centre but you really need a legal contact order in place then he cannot mess you around. It’s not your job to facilitate child contact. It’s upto him to collect and deliver his own children so don’t allow him to manipulate you. You could handover at a police station where there is cctv?

    • #73353
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi LizSKY, it’s okay. The police, lawyers, they know we don’t tell the truth straight away, even when the opportunity arises, we still protect them for some reason 😒💔 it doesn’t make us liars though, we’ve hidden what they’ve done to us for so long, From everyone around us, from ourselves, I can’t write what I’m trying to say, it’s locked in too deep I suppose.
      Definately ring Rights for women, you need to take back control with his visitation, get to protect your babies. Journal any of their behaviour if changing, from bed wetting to aggression to locking themselves away, not eating, eating more than usual. Ask the school to keep an eye on them., if possible.
      Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

    • #73360
      diymum@1
      Participant

      It might be worth letting the police know that you were too scared to tell them how severe the abuse was and it wasn’t an isolated incident? DV is taken very seriously-I know for a fact after two decades of abuse I was encouraged to report historical abuse. They were ready to take it all the way. When it comes to child contact be adamant contact centre only for handover, given the circumstances fight for less contact and I’d say supervised once you have more evidence. Your GP will help they can write to the court saying contact is detrimental for the kids as there is a history of abuse. Does he become abusive towards you inform of them? If he does this is classed as child abuse xx someone needs to be responsible (professionally)if he can’t be x*x

    • #73369
      Stella
      Participant

      This is similar to my situation.

      I finally got the strength to call the police but wasn’t honest with them. We have a SW now but I’m still not being honest because I don’t want to make things worse and my teenagers just want to get off the cp plan.

      He is supposed to come round certain days and times but is here nearly everyday, even when I’m out at work he comes over, having showers, pottering about, making himself food.

      He is playing mind games still, shouts in my face, puts me down and calls me names, saying it’s me who needs help not him.

      It’s driving me insane.

      I can’t see a way out.

      I hope you find the strength and is say that if your children are younger then be honest with the police and children’s services because it gets harder as the children get older.

      I would go to the police and admit you were scared to be truthful in the beginning and get some sort of order in place so that he has to have supervised visits.

      I know it’s easier said than done but sending you a great big hug and all the strength in the world ❤

    • #73377
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi Stella, it’s never too late. Women’s Aid know all about coercive control and how we try to keep the peace. I spent years covering for my abuser. Your abuser won’t change either. He won’t leave you alone until you make him. Perhaps you would consider a non molestation order. Opening up and being honest with social work is a good start. Your abuser has no boundaries and has no right to impose himself on your life. I hope one day you find the strength to get rid of him from all your lives. Lying to social work won’t keep your abuser away in the long term and contact with the children brings dysfunctional thinking and influences. Keep reaching out and know there is a good, abuse free life for you when you feel strong enough x

    • #73392
      LizSKY
      Participant

      Thanks ladies for all the advice, really appreciate it!


      @KIP
      . I like the CCTV idea, some days fine easy drop off others I get the door slammed or abuse.
      It’s his family as well, they are in a mood because hes there and it’s my fault.

      I turned up to pick them up and because I wouldn’t talk to him he wouldn’t let me have them back until I agreed to what he was saying.

      I completely get what you are saying. We put up a guard which is hard to take down even when we are being offered help. It is like I can’t really remember what’s happened, it’s hard when we block as much as we can out. I haven’t had contact with my IDVA for a while but I think I might try to discuss this next time.


      @stella
      I’m sorry to read you are in a similar situation. Is visitation at your home? I get what you are saying about the CP, the SW has said that their dad is ok to have them unsupervised now but I didn’t tell them what had really gone on because I was scared about the whole process. Do you think you think you could discuss it with the SW?Wishing you strength too lovely x

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