No guilt

[Buddy]

Hi everyone .. it’s been a little while .. the anti depressants have kicked in so I am much more relaxed !!
It’s strange as now I have stopped questioning him and his behaviour( anger and throwing stuff) he is fine , being the normal nice person he can be … I do not look at him the same way .. probably haven’t for years .. he has killed the love .. I have brought it back before but this time is different !
I am not sure if you remember me talking about a guy in my (detail removed by moderator) who has been supportive and then he went off the radar and I was upset about it .. well (detail removed by moderator) we were both in a mutual friends (detail removed by moderator) party ( I think he came as he knew I was going ) he was asking me about what was happening and trying to be supportive again after a quiet spell , seemingly because he met someone , but now this is over !
I told him I am in no financial position to leave atm .. he is very understanding ! There is a big connection between us , which is really difficult to deal with and we did end up kissing at the end of the night … I am not proud of this but we have a emotional connection .. I feel no guilt .. because I have lost my respect for my husband ..
anyone been in this position before ? Xx

 

[KIP.]

You’re extremely vulnerable and this new man is taking advantage of that. Women’s Aid recommend two years before entering into another relationship and I know from experience exactly why. Feeling no guilt doesn’t mean it’s the right decision for you and all my energy would be going into escaping from the abuse you’re living with and recovering from that before considering involving someone in this way. It’s also dangerous for both of you and that also needs to be considered. If your abusive partner finds out it will endanger you both. You’re on antidepressants to treat the symptoms of abuse and until you break free and treat the cause of your depression you will simply go round and round medicated which is a slippery slope. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I know exactly how vulnerable you are. Do you have support from your local women’s aid. They were fantastic. Have you read Living with the Dominator?

[Buddy]

Thanks kip . I know you are so right .. I guess I am vulnerable , just been feeling more confident and more myself since the tablets !!
I have enjoyed the attention from him and it feels so nice to be cared for ..
my husband can be caring but is not very affectionate and I miss this , plus his anger and what I have put up with for years has taken its toll on me and now my children are a bit older I feel more indeoendant !!
I will cut contact with this guy . It will be hard but you are right ..
thank you x*x

[KIP.]

Hey Buddy sadly the attention you’re getting is probably not because he’s caring for you and this is where the abuse we have suffered confuses our thought process. Have you done the Freedom Programme? It’s worth a look. While you look outwardly for validation and you put your happiness in the hands of others it’s a recipe for disaster. Slowly I became my own best friend. I treated myself with respect and love and that way I wasn’t vulnerable to others who may not have my best interests at heart. Look inwards and see where you want to take yourself for your own healing and your own peace of mind. It takes time but when you are truly free we don’t need men Or anyone to validate our existence. Be your own best friend, date yourself for a while. Buy yourself flowers, listen to your own feelings and be very kind to yourself.but most of all work towards and free and abuse free life. You deserve it 💕

[Camel]

Hi Buddy

It’s so tempting to imagine that running off with this man will solve all your problems. It’s also inevitable that you will have fleshed out this fantasy, imagining yourselves in coupled-up bliss. We’ve all been there, assuming that the other person wants what we want.

But really all you have is a flirtation and a kiss. The fact that you feel no guilt is a signal that you’re ready to free yourself. (Forgive me for not remembering what is holding you back.)

I agree that this man is bad news for you. He knows the situation you’re in and is taking advantage. It’s unfair of him to pop up in your life whenever it suits him, ignore you completely when he’s busy with other women. His attempts at ‘care and support’ are shallow and empty, telling you what you want to hear. Judge him by his actions, not his words, and you’ll see him for what he is.

[Buddy]

Hi camel .. I honestly didn’t look at it from this point of view before .. but you are right !
I looked at it that I get in touch with him when my husband plays up ! So I thought of it as being more me starting conversations with him when I am at a low web !!
I stay for financial reasons and when my husband is good he is amazing .. but when he gets angry in arguments it is a nightmare .. therefore I have lost respect hence this other guy .. not a good path to go down I can see that .. thank u xx

[Camel]

Hi Buddy

Is your husband honestly ‘amazing’? Ever? What does he do that is truly remarkable, astounding, thoughtful, spectacular?

Is it at all possible that you’re simply grateful that he’s not shouting?

I know it’s easy for me to say, but in my world being occasionally good doesn’t cancel out the bad. You deserve respect all the time, not bestowed on you like a reward, when he’s in the right mood.

I do remember talking to you before about finances holding you back. Again, in my world, I’d rather live in a bedsit on benefits than endure another day with a bully who makes me feel like sh*t.

This friend may not be the best news for you but if nothing else he’s allowed you to imagine a different life. That’s no small thing. x

[Buddy]

Hi camel , when I say amazing , yes .. thoughtful as in will do almost anything for me , he cooks, cleans , does his fair share of things with the children , things like will go to the shop if I fancy a bar of chocolate for example 🤣
He is the main bread winner and free with money , let’s me have anything I want , a good provider done lots of Diy on the home etc .. he takes a lot of pressure off me and helps with all the things that can make a busy family life stressful ..
he has these sporadic moments of anger and can be very snappy ..
I do work but the area I live which i would need to stay in for work / children’s school and the children’s life friendship groups etc , is very expensive I would need 2/3 bedrooms and it is impossible for me to afford ..
I am not sure what else is holding me back .. possibly history and being scared of being on my own, single mother etc .. I think about leaving sometimes it consumes my life but I never go !
He does have a big ego .. he was (removed by moderator) it was quite confusing and he said (removed by moderator) .. weird , but he likes to make out he is the best at everything .. tbh I don’t think there is much he can’t do ..
my confusion is overwhelming , I have read about cycle of abuse but I genuinely don’t think he fits it 😬

[Camel]

Hi Buddy

What you describe as amazing/thoughtful, others might describe as normal 🙂 Relationships are supposed to be like this (apparently!) with both partners shouldering a hefty share of responsibility and making things generally good for each other.

I wonder, what word would you use to describe your own behaviour? Are you amazing too?

Start to note how your husband always manages to put you down whenever he bigs himself up. It’s not so much about his ego, more about squashing yours. This is what’s probably at the root of why you can’t leave. You won’t cope. He’s told you often enough how stupid you are. How lucky you are to have him.

If he really is free with the cash, start putting some aside. I’m sure I’ve said this before – find out what share of assets you’d be entitled to. You won’t necessarily have to leave the home. Break things down into small things and you’ll stop feeling paralysed. Imagine how you’d like to be living in a year or two and what you need to do to get there. x

[Buddy]

Ah ok .. yes maybe it is just normal then 😬 sometimes I think he can be more thoughtful than me , I don’t really spoil him , but I resent him !!
He defo has an ego.. he likes showing people everything he has done on the house etc .. he constantly wants praise 😬 yes at the same time I feel useless and perhaps needy in comparison … I just wish he was horrible all the time , so much easier to walk away then x

[Beautifulday]

Hi Buddy!
Hope your doing ok.
What @camel said is exactly right what you think is amazing is actually just how a relationship should be, I know because I feel like you and it wasnt until a friend told exactly what camel said that it dawned on me. Unlike your H my H isn’t free with cash hes very very stingy, refuses to do any work in the house and if i ask him to do diy he goes in a foul mood and tells me im a nagger YET on birthdays and Christmas he will go over the top on gifts so its very confusing ..
But what I classed as “amazing” things like popping to the shop to get things, maybe washing my car, putting my washing on the line these are not amazing things these are normal things that should happen in a relationship! And im trying to tell myself this
Try to think of all the negatives and keep them at the front of your mind, if he loved you he wouldn’t throw things at the wall which is to frighten you this is abuse
My H kicked an item of furniture at me with a glass of water on luckily the glass flew past my head.
When i asked him why he did it, he told me it was my fault and that id wound him up.
When i said it could have hit me, he said no it wouldn’t have because I knew exactly where I was kicking it, this shows how cunning he is.
Anything that makes you feel scared, or makes you question is abuse

[Buddy]

Hi beautiful day ..how are you , thank u for your reply .. I do think it is uncontrollable with him .. that he doesn’t do it to scare me it is his immature reaction in an argument ..
what I feel is worse is the lack of remorse after it .. the way he ignores me as a way of being in denial that he is in the wrong .. to ignore me is his way of making me feel I have done something wrong ..
I may have pushed him a bit in the argument as I had wine ..
I feel like I am going one step forward and two steps back with my emotions ..
I just sent him (removed by moderator) and messaged him saying you sort yourself out otherwise we have to come up with a plan for me and the children to leave .. he hasn’t replied to this message ..
I am sick of trying g to figure it out on my own .. if I leave he will have to help me , move out ie dismantle furniture kids beds etc

[Beautifulday]

Hi Buddy
Regardless of why he throws things it is abuse he knows what he’s doing and he’s showing his dominance and Control , you may not think it but its basically to show you that look what I’m capable of. And in my eyes anyone who throws things, punches walls, kicks things etc is capable of starting of you too! I know because with me it started with throwing things and having temper tantrums it then escalated into physical abuse on me , but for the last (removed by moderator) years its been mostly emotional apart from the odd outburst like kicking the table. It is to scare you.
If these men truly loved us they wouldn’t throw or kick or punch things its not normal.
I realise this now and im trying desperately to gain courage to leave, ive come a long way since June when I joined the forum and im slowly and surely getting my ducks in a row. Im making it my aim to be gone by Christmas.

[Camel]

Hi Buddy

Yes, he does do it to scare you. Of course he does! Does he manage to get through the working day without kicking a chair across the office?

And the silent treatment – just another kind of abuse.

And the lack of remorse – that just shows absolutely that he’s abusive. Because any normal person would be mortified that they’d scared you. A normal person wouldn’t keep on doing it.

It’s really hard for me to persuade you that pretty much everything he does is abusive. Not when you keep on excusing his behaviour. Not when you persist in devaluing your own feelings and happiness.

“I am sick of trying to figure it out on my own”
You have to figure this out on your own. He’s not your ally. He’s happy with the way things are.

“if I leave he will have to help me , move out ie dismantle furniture kids beds etc,”
Really? There are removal companies for this. Again, he’s not your ally.

[Camel]

Hi Beautifulday

It’s so good to hear your plan to be out by Christmas! I was just imagining how extra joyous it will feel for you to put up tinsel in your own new pad 🙂

[Buddy]

Agree camel .. beautiful day you are doing so well and you have come so far …
Well done x

[Beautifulday]

Hi @camel @buddy! Ive made it my aim but who knows if I will ;( I’m hoping I will be for me this is the best time I feel as I’m terrible for thinking oh its Xmas cant do it now, or its his bday can’t do it now, so i know I need to do it soon, im feeling stronger everyday apart from the odd day where I relapse and feel terrible:( but I’ve been making myself walk everyday whatever the weather and it makes me feel so much better. Everyday I dream of what my life would be like on my own , I dream of having my own little happy place , I dream of getting back in touch with all the friends I lost having movie nights and wine nights (after covid of course) I just dream of being carefree and happy doing what I like. I think back to how I was beside I met him, confident, happy go lucky , life and soul of the party and I cry 😢 but I want the old me back. I’ve wasted a good chunk of my young years with this man and dont want to waste anymore . Xx

[Buddy]

Hi camel .. thanks for your reply .. I get what you are saying and I truly see it .. I must come across as very frustrating !!
I am so absorbed in what’s going on in my life I can’t even manage to reply to some of the posts I read on here to help and give my opinions , in fact I don’t think I am in a place to do so .
I am on antidepressants , I am going to the gym and I feel loads better in myself because of this regarding confidence but I am still not feeling that strength .. I really want to be there but I am not there .. it is actually making me feel pathetic and s**t about myself .. i just think if I can’t pull myself up and out whilst on medication and feeling good being in the gym etc .. than I never will
I am probably sounding extremely pathetic , negative and hopeless but I have spoken to WA for about 3 weeks over the phone and I stopped as I felt there was nothing left to say as I have to figure this out alone ..
not sure where else to turn x

[Camel]

Buddy, I’m so sorry if you take anything I say as criticism. It’s not meant that way and I’ll try to check my tone in future x

I’ve felt very low before and I know how paralysing it can be. I heard myself replying ‘I can’t do that because…’ to every suggestion made that could get me moving forwards. I wasn’t dealing with abuse, I simply had no idea what do with my life. I won’t go into details as they’re not important. What was important was my mindset. And what adjusted my mindset was a single impulsive decision. I signed up for a college course. I didn’t have a plan for after but it was something positive to focus on in the here and now. The fact that it led to a whole new life was a happy surprise.

You’re doing lots of positive things but maybe you need to adjust them slightly.

If you didn’t find the counselling helpful, ask for another counsellor or a different method of counselling. It doesn’t mean it’s you if it isn’t working.

Going to the gym makes you feel better so pick up on that good feeling and do more. Maybe try a new class. If you currently exercise solo try a group.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being on antidepressants. But if they’re not making you feel stronger then go back to your GP.

Please be kind to yourself. You’re not letting anyone down, not even yourself. If thinking about the big picture is overwhelming, stop. Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other.

[Buddy]

Camel I completley appreciate your advice and don’t take anything you said as criticism ..
I think I am just bored of myself now 🤣
Yes, I may look at getting a different councillor .. thank u xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Buddy. Coming to the decision to leave isn’t easy. You have to reach a point of readiness and that point is different for everyone. For me, the abuse was so persistent that I just stopped loving him. We hadn’t share a room for a while and I realised that I never, ever wanted to be intimate with him again. There was nothing in the relationship worth staying for anymore and everything worth leaving for.

At the moment ypu are surviving the relation by doing things that help to make you feel happier and more confident. That high ypu have after being at the gym could be so much purer if you arrived home to a safe and happy place where you didn’t have to dodge abuse. xx

[Author]

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