19th April 2020 at 1:59 am #101248
I moved back to the family home following a bereavement. It was only ever meant to be temporary until I was emotionally stable again, but that never happened and then my Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease, so I’m still here. Along with Mum there is also my Brother at home due to a failed relationship. He is (detail removed by moderator)
I have been feeling fearful and concerned for a while now about his behaviour towards me. He has only been physically hurtful towards me twice but what I’m finding particularly distressing is the emotional abuse. I don’t even feel as I’m deserving enough or good enough to go out of the house where other people are. I have no resilience left and I am using negative coping strategies to get by.
It’s only in recent times that it’s come to light that my Father behaved this way also. I haven’t told my Brother about this but looking back as a child, I can recognise the behaviours clearly.
I often think of my Brother as some kind of unpredictable Puppy that would snap or bite for no reason. After a while the “Puppy” would seem to tolerate you, and you’d let your guard down with it. It would be at this point it would come back worse than ever and you’d end up more fearful just waiting for the next occasion.
I apologize if my post is a bit incoherent. I’ve been struggling a while now and this is the first time I’ve written on a forum about it. Thank you if you’ve read this far.
19th April 2020 at 8:11 am #101255
Hi, please speak to the police. One episode of physical violence is enough. And abuse always escalates. The emotional abuse is to keep you trapped and destroy your self esteem and ability to rationalise and act. There a national domestic abuse helpline you should ring too. And get in touch with your local women’s aid.
20th April 2020 at 9:58 pm #101368
Thank you Kip for replying. It’s really appreciated. Is it normal for people who are abusive to think and say that it’s the abused that’s the bully and the one at fault? Do they say it’s another’s fault because they genuinely believe it to be so or is it just conscious nastiness that they say it? I don’t know which it is. When I voice my concerns and opinions to him about what he’s doing you can tell he thinks his behaviour is beyond reproach. His friends and acquaintances thinks he’s wonderful. I’ve asked him to shout at me as much as he wants if he has to, but not at or in front of our Mum that’s so poorly. Sadly to no avail and she’s been on the receiving end as well. Obviously, he isn’t physically violent with Mum. He does however use guilt very often, which is one of the most soul-destroying and corrosive emotions you could make another feel. I wonder if heredity plays a part. You can tell with hindsight that Mum has been here before. Goodness me I’m sorry for going on. I’m just asking all these questions in my mind so I hope no one feels obliged to answer. Thanks for reading.
20th April 2020 at 10:01 pm #101369
The saddest part of all this is that it’s another “loss”. Because there is no coming back from it. How do normal families turn “bad”.
20th April 2020 at 10:04 pm #101370
Yes abusers always blame others. You need help here. You can’t cope with this alone. Please reach out for help.
20th April 2020 at 10:06 pm #101371
Thank you Kip, kindest wishes to you.
20th April 2020 at 11:17 pm #101376
Hi there and welcome to the forum. Yes abusers will often accuse those they abuse as being the abuser. It’s called projection. To abuse ones sibling is just awful. To abuse an ageing parent is despicable. Dont let him shout at you, he has no right to shout at either of you. He’s already hurt you before, doesn’t need to now, so uses verbal abuse instead. Think of him as a toddler throwing a tantrum in order to get what he wants, would you give in to a toddler? He has to learn that there’s consequences to his behaviour. Lots could be written about why he does this, but this forum is for us, not the perpetrator. They’ve got their own helplines they can source. If he makes you scared, don’t do this on your own. Try and contact women’s aid, if you can’t get through on the national helpline try your local one. Ideally he needs to leave, let them help you get him out. Yes he’s your mum’s child, but he’s not a child anymore send it’s time he took responsibility fir his actions and if not prepared to do that will have to accept the consequences.
My heart goes out to you and your mum.please find the courage to standup to him, by that I mean let the professionals help. Do you get carers in to help with your mum? Could you ask them to help, report something on your behalf. The carers who came in to my mum’s would have done anything for her if abuse had ever been suspected.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
21st April 2020 at 12:29 am #101381
Thanks for your insightful reply and and advice.
I appreciate it.
No, we don’t have carer’s for mum as she won’t allow it.
Mum having Alzheimer’s adds a whole different facet to things. It’s common for sufferer’s to take against the person they spend most time with whilst lavishing kindness onto other siblings. This plays a huge part in my brother “bullying” me. I feel guilty really to be on a “Survivors” forum to be honest, because I don’t think I can come back from this. I understand I need to think what to do because I can’t keep self-harming as a coping mechanism.
21st April 2020 at 2:05 am #101388
Oh yes the one who does the most gets the brunt of it but the favourite, oh they can do no wrong. Been there too. Hurts so much, it’s far from jealousy but that’s what you are told isn’t it, well that’s what I was told. Dont feel guilty about being on the forum, you are a survivor, you’re surviving abusive behaviour every day, from your brother and indirectly, your mum because of her illness.
This is a hard journey to go on. Ive done an awful lot of soul searching this part year or so, some very hard to look into. We all have crutches to help us through this in one shape or form, just be kinder to yourself. You’ll find your way. Have you tried to contact women’s aid yet? You deserve so much more, you don’t need to put up with your brothers bullying ways.
Stay strong and keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power.
25th May 2020 at 12:00 am #104285
Thank you very much IWMB. I hadn’t logged on again or I would have thanked you earlier. Things have moved on since then sadly. Kindest regards and warm wishes to you.
25th May 2020 at 12:20 am #104286
DESPERATE PETRIFIED AND THERE IS NO SOLUTION.
Thanks again to previous readers and replies.
I’m so desperate right now. Mum with Alzheimers has had a broken (detail removed by moderator) and has had surgery and because of COVID my Sister can’t visit and help me.so I’m already struggling.
I’m alone with Mum, and my obnoxious brother. He has dramatically stepped up his campaign of terror against me and I’ve begged him to consider a truce so Mum can have some tranquility and peace at this stage in her life. He threw it back at me and is now verbally abusive to my Mum which is upsetting to witness. Why would anyone make an elderly parent feel bad when they are carrying their own heavy-weight of worries. Why can’t he be content with hurting me, instead of Mum? I’d take it, as long as he spared her. He is so full of hatred towards me and I can’t tell no-one in case they make my Mum go in a hone, which would end her. The hatred is etched on my brothers face and it terrifies me, yet to outsiders he puts this face on. – how do people do that?. Just scared of everything right now.
Thank you for having read this. It may be disjointed as I am struggling with a tiny screen and auto-correct is on overdrive.
25th May 2020 at 12:45 am #104287Wants To HelpParticipant
Please call the Police and inform them of this abuse to you and your mum. Your mum is a Vulnerable Person due to her age and medical conditions, both of you are being abused by a family member and you both need protecting. The Police will arrest him based on your evidence that I am reading here, they will arrest for the assaults on you and will do a Risk Assessment. Your mum may not be able to answer the questions but you can act as the Appropriate Adult for her. The arrest will also safeguard your mum.
Let the Police lead the investigation based on the evidence you give and they will see if your brother can be charged with any offences and bailed with conditions to stay away from the family home. He will have to find somewhere else to stay. If there are no charges forthcoming then they may be able to apply for a Domestic Violence Protection Order to temporarily evict him from the home for 28 days.
Due to your mum’s age and health, referrals will be made by the Police to Adult Social Care and a Social Worker will be allocated to your case. They may be able to assist with applying for civil orders to keep your brother away from the home.
I know this may all seem very scary, but please act on behalf of your mum. She is as vulnerable as a young child and needs protecting from witnessing the abuse to you as well as the abuse to her.
You can call the Police tonight and speak to them. If things are calm at the moment they may agree to send someone out tomorrow during the day time, however, depending on what you tell them they may come out tonight and arrest him from his bed if it will offer instant protection measures to prevent any abuse later throughout the night or first thing in the morning.
Please do not worry if your brother has nowhere else to stay. That will be his problem to sort out and he’ll have to sofa surf with friends or something. Him being homeless is not your concern, your priority is your mum and you.
No one can make your mum go in a home at this time, don’t worry about that.
25th May 2020 at 4:58 am #104288
Keep a journal of his behaviour and try to gather evidence. I secretly recorded the abuse. You cannot protect your mum so you must reach out to the police and social work. Get carers in, your mum is ill and can’t make these decisions. Your brother knows hurting your mum will hurt you. He won’t stop because he sees no wrong.
29th May 2020 at 12:15 am #104615
Thanks for your really insightful reply “wants to help”. It’s appreciated and yes, it all really does sound very scary. I’ve been thinking of that saying “rabbit in the headlights” and that’s exactly how I feel right now. In an ideal situation my brother would call a truce, or at least do whatever he felt justifiable to me out of earshot. I’ve begged and pleaded but to no avail. I could ring domestic violence in my area but I’m thinking the information will get linked to my surgery record via another NHS service I currently use. I am desperately trying to come to terms with what’s happening. Thanks again for replying.
29th May 2020 at 12:28 am #104616
Hello Kip. I hope I’m replying to the right poster in the right place. I’m useless with some of these web forums. You say that my (removed by moderator) “see’s no wrong.” And therein lies the problem. You have hit the nail on the head. My (removed by moderator) also is financially abusing my Mum and I as well but that’s secondary to the emotional aspect. I’m concentrating on as little interaction as possible but this too is causing anxiety. It’s a delicate situation that can just explode. Its taking every bit of energy I have. Thank for replying, it’s appreciated.
25th May 2020 at 8:34 am #104296
I’ve come on to give you support and to say that what the others are saying is right. Try to think about how you would feel if you did nothing and your mum spends the rest of her life not just enduring this, but watching you suffering too.
When you have done what is suggested above, you will absolutely know that it was the right thing to do.
You have to understand that your brother’s behaviour is never going to go away. Be strong, you have the support of everyone here, keep coming back, but act soon, please, for your own sake and your dear mum’s. X
25th May 2020 at 8:47 am #104299
Hello again, I’ve found that when you disclose your vulnerability that’s when they ramp up the abuse. You’ve asked him to be calmer around your mum, so he sees that as the green light not to be. Could you contact your mums doctor, or are any nurses coming in after she’s been sent home after surgery?
It’s very hard standing up to these men, the minute you start saying NO this is not happening, it changes things. They hate that wee word so much.
Love and strength
29th May 2020 at 12:47 am #104617
Hello Lottie blue. Thanks for your reply, it’s appreciated. It’s just so scary taking the first step. It feels like opening a can of worms that you’ll know you’ll never be able to put the lid back on again. I never thought this would happen to me, as I’m sure no one on this forum thought either. It’s hard as well because although Mum is quite badly affected by (removed by moderator), she has “capacity”. I feel she wouldn’t want to speak up. Thanks again Lottie blue.
29th May 2020 at 1:16 am #104619
Thanks again IWMB. Yes Mum has DN’s in. Maybe I could start by saying how depressed Mum is and elaborate from there. I think I’ll start keeping a journal as a previous poster suggested. I have kept one in the past and recorded what atrocious behaviour my (removed by moderator) was displaying even then. This was years ago so I’m not surprised things have reached this stage but you just don’t join the dots at the time I think. Keep going and take care.
25th May 2020 at 5:43 pm #104338starqueenParticipant
You’ve received some great advice here and I’d urge you to act on it. Document things, contact the police and Women’s Aid to help you. I wanted to add that yes you can get through this. I know it feels awful and while you’re going through it is the roughest thing imaginable. I also want to tell you that I went through emotional abuse and controlling behaviour with my dad, while my mum was ill. I won’t go into details here but it was so bad at one point that I seriously thought about ending it all, in fact I thought about it more than once and got pretty close to taking steps to act on it. The whole situation nearly broke me, and I stress the word *nearly* because it didn’t. I’m saying all this so you know that there are those of us who’ve been through family abuse and come out the other side. In fact only today I found myself smiling because I felt calm and had done for a long time. It’s a new feeling but it’s one I’m savouring. You deserve the same. You can do this. 💕
29th May 2020 at 1:03 am #104618
Hello StarQueen. What a serene username. I like that. Thanks for replying and telling me about your story. Its really encouraging to read that you’ve found a calm place.i can understand what you mean as just a few days ago I self-harmed yet again. I’d never have the strength to go further, I’d be purely too scared for that, but I just needed to release the pressure and I know I’ll do it again. The worst thing is, my (removed by moderator) called me a “bully” and now I think maybe it has been me all the time. Im glad you got back from the brink – take care.
30th May 2020 at 7:50 pm #104720starqueenParticipant
No problem Overwhelmed, I hope it helped, and I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling. Abusers like to put the blame on others and suggest that their victims are the ones who are at fault. They use a kind of twisted logic where they’re entitled to call the shots and treat everyone else as awfully as they like, but as soon as anyone stands up to them they retreat into playing the victim. It’s simply not true, and I think the fact that it’s affecting you this badly is another line of evidence that what is happening is not okay. Abuse is not just about what the abuser does, it’s about the impact it has on the person they’re abusing, and this is obviously having a serious impact on you. You don’t deserve to be living like this and nor does your mum, you can do this.
30th May 2020 at 8:44 pm #104724
Hi Overwhelmed, how are you doing today? X
1st June 2020 at 9:33 pm #104857
Thank you to Lottie blue and StarQueen for dropping by to post again. I really appreciate it. I’m terrified today. I’m terrified for me and for my mum. My mum has survived many illnesses and I can tell she’s fading. I can’t write a lot in case I go over to specific detail and it gets removed but suffice to say my brother is a 1970’s abusive husband in a modern day body. Obviously he’s not my Husband. That’s in a way what makes it feel more difficult to explain this to other people. Also what scares me is that when you let your guard down and have a normal conversation, things seem bearable. But then like a puppy, they turn and bite. And the lower the guard has been, the more vicious the bite seems. I’ve taken a stance over the financial abuse and I’ve not won the war but I’ve held my own. So now I’m scared, in a mess and frightened but I’m going to make contact with someone to talk.
Hope you are both ok Lottie blue and StarQueen.
1st June 2020 at 9:40 pm #104860
Hi Overwhelmed, it’s good to hear from you again and I’m relieved that you are still bearing up. It sounds like there is a bit of a lull in your brother’s behaviour but it won’t last for ever, that’s for sure. Do you have a plan for dealing with it? I fear for you that it is going to get worse again. X
5th June 2020 at 1:54 pm #105186
Hi Lottie. How are doing? Thanks for the concern. Yes you were very right about the temporary lull. I did actually manage to get in touch with someone via email to talk about it with. It’ll takes few days to get a response. It’s the service from this site. Feel guilty for doing it but I suppose that “goes with the territory” as they say. Keep going Lottie.
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