This topic contains 20 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  snowbunting 2 weeks ago.

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  • #95482
     Chunkydunk 
    Participant

    Hi this is my first time writing to the boards. I have had (detail removed by moderator)) out after decades of physical & mental abuse. I struggled through Xmas & thought New year would be a new start & I could get on with my life. It’s been the total opposite! I can’t talk to my family as they all absolutely hate him & think that I should be so happy I got out.If I open up to friends they are shocked to the core as I come across as a strong woman(years of hiding the truth) People on here seem to be the ones that understand the pain getting out brings. My house is sold & I have no intention of going back with him, I’ve just found out he was thousands in debt when I left & he has got a new woman he is intending to marry for security, he got in touch & told me! but how do I move on? I am not in love with him but he can be such a charmer & liar that I think after all this time I’ll always love him. I have a appointment to see the Doctor as I have lost 3stone. I have also today arranged a therapist. My head is a mess & the pain is real, I never expected to feel like this & my age doesn’t help. Thx for letting me spew it out on here x

  • #95483
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Hello and welcome. It’s so difficult to explain how we can often feel so much worse after we break free. You will be glad to hear that it will get better. When we are with an abuser we are in survivor mode and we can’t express ourselves. We hide all sorts of emotions deep down. When we are finally free our brain has time to process all that abuse and it can show itself sometimes in the form of PTSD. I’m over fifty too and left a very long marriage. Having another woman in the background is very common and letting us know this is just another form of abuse. It’s called triangulation. Trying to make us jealous, thinking we will come running back. The controlling behaviour never ends. I’ve been zero direct contact since the day he was arrested. I’d highly recommend you do the same. You move in slowly. You take time to grieve for the relationship and the future you thought you would have. You’ve probably already moved on from him, but it’s the trauma he’s left you with that will take a long time. Zero contact, good counselling, surrounding yourself with people who validate you. Slowly re wiring your brain as no doubt you’ve had years of someone telling you that you’re useless and frigid and stupid and a liar and a cheat and all the other things that he was but projected onto you. Reading posts on here will help you to see you’re not alone and he wasn’t even original in his abuse. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

    • #95487
       Chunkydunk 
      Participant

      Thx Kip, it’s been one hell of a day the worst since I left. I know you are right in fact I realise now that he used me for decades as he is about to use this latest poor sap. I had no contact & the minute I did he was straight there. Always using & abusing under the guise of caring, saying he will help with any maintenance I need or putting shelves up in my tiny home that he has reduced me to at (detail removed).I honestly never thought I would feel this bad. I think I ran on adrenaline for months once I got out & now reality’s hit. I’m definitely going to get help, this is to much to deal with alone x

    • #96793
       Eucalyptus 
      Participant

      Hi Chunkydunk,

      I really do understand your emotions and feelings. I too am going through similar. But you know we are strong women and will get through the intense emotions that this behaviour brings. (At least that is what I tell myself). Each year I thought that the next would be better and I promised myself that I would get away from him. I didnt do that then and it has taken a long time to get away and I am now in the process but not without difficulty. My pain with getting out is the realisation that I was abused and it took me a long time to recognise the signs. If that makes sense. Going to see a therapist may help as this will be a safe and confidential space for you to be you. Your thinking/feelings that you still love him are real and it is not easy to switch those feelings off. Maybe over time these will become less. Know that you are already doing the right thing, getting support and learning about you through seeing a therapist. I wish you the best of luck.

  • #95488
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Yes he will want to keep you on a hook for his own amusement. He will probably be using you to triangulate his new girlfriend. The best thing you can do is to cut all contact with him. Block him on everything and completely cut him from your life. Any contact is toxic for us while they lap it up. They seem to move on because they feel no genuine attachment. Have a look at narcissism and see if he fits any of that behaviour. It’s no excuse for domestic abuse but it helped me understand some of his behaviour x

  • #95492
     Escapee 
    Participant

    Hi Chunkydunk,

    You have been so brave and strong dealing with all this alone. You are so welcome here xx

    I too am older and now out of a very long marriage. To be honest, I don’t think I would have coped if it wasn’t for the wonderful women on here.

    My husband is still in contact too and offers help but I am very, very wary of him and keep my distance. He plays the hard done by part which really makes me want to scream but I stay quiet to keep things civil for the rest of my family.

    These men really do seem to like us strong women…..and God haven’t they tried to destroy us!

    Keep posting and reading and ranting and learning the truth about the abuse.

    Sending you a welcoming and supportive hug xx

    • #95496
       Chunkydunk 
      Participant

      Thank you both for being there today. He is a n********t. I’ve known that for a long time. Yes everything you have said is absolutely spot on. He is back in contact to mess up my head & keep his options open. He really is a vile being & I know now he is playing the same game he has always played. Thank you so much for kicking my butt, I needed that from people that have been there x

  • #95531
     Coolbreeze 
    Participant

    I’m also very new here and just wanted to say how strong you are to get away and to be aware of the tricks to keep hold of you. I used to think well at least we could still be civilised friends but realised that actually the real him is completely opposite to the ‘public’ him, so ugh no thank you!

    • #95541
       Chunkydunk 
      Participant

      Thankyou for your support. He is asking to remain friends, but I know it’s just to continue his vile mind games. I don’t want to know what he is doing but he makes sure I know & when his new relationship gets messy (as it will) he will be crying to me declaring his love. Not anymore I finally got out & I intend to make it work. His personality does not match his public persona either x

  • #95534
     Escapee 
    Participant

    I don’t know if this will help anyone but my therapist explained it all to me in psychology terms…..

    My husband has very similar traits to a person in my childhood. The child element that still resides within my personality is incredibly vulnerable at the moment and therefore I will feel a pull back to him as it makes ‘my child’ feel safer as it knows what to expect and it is a ‘norm’. I had never made this link with my husband and my childhood but it makes perfect sense.

  • #95606
     Coolbreeze 
    Participant

    I’m so glad it helps to understand things from a ‘medical’ point of view that makes sense. I’m trying to analyse what happened and why as well in order to better deal with everything but it’s difficult to be objective at this point. At the same time I do not want to be or feel the victim so I will just have to take it slowly.

    • #95944
       Chunkydunk 
      Participant

      I have just been re reading this & wanted to share something my therapist said in the hope it could help someone. She also brought up my childhood & came up with the way I feel is abandoned. Not a word I would ever os associated with how I was feeling & I certainly wasn’t abandoned as a child, but circumstances when I was a very young & shy child left me with a feeling of abandonment which I have obviously always carried with me. Hence why I clung onto him for decades & why when I did finally get out I didn’t feel a sense of freedom I was flailing around & couldn’t cope because I felt abandoned & wanted to cling onto him still. She explained that if I was alone in a ocean & a shark came along I would cling to it! Makes sense to me now that Xmas was so bad because I felt abandoned & had no one to cling to x

  • #95609
     Escapee 
    Participant

    Coolbreexe……you are not a victim, you’re a warrior! Us ladies are resilient, strong and fighters which is why they try to destroy us…..we have what they want. They are cowards, bullies and a poor excuse of a human!

  • #95952
     snowbunting 
    Participant

    Hello Chunkydunk, I am not sure if this will help but thought I would share with you, I have had two counsellors, the first wanted to bring everything back to my unhappy home life as a child. The second counsellor focused more on the positive strength and courage I have in coping with so much for so long. And this really helped my mindset stay strong. You are grieving and that takes time, be patient with yourself and celebrate all of the small things, just getting through each day is tough at first and leaving an abusive man takes incredible courage. Some of my families reaction has been difficult to understand, like you I am outwardly a strong person, my ex a charmer and I covered up for years. I could be whacked and still open the door with a smile – and abusers know that the shame of admitting whats going on is unbearable so we stay quiet until one day you reach the point of no return, but it also shows a great deal of resilience. Take care of yourself. x

    • #95999
       Chunkydunk 
      Participant

      Thx Snowbunting
      I totally relate to your story. I was shocked that she took it back to my childhood but it has helped clear the fog in my head. I am seeing her next week as I feel she is helping me but yes you are right I need to get the tools to deal with the future & leave the past behind. Thx for reaching out I will look into it x

  • #96288
     Pastlife 
    Participant

    Hi Chunkydunk
    I’m so sorry you are feeling this way, the anxiety and fear you used to feel in your relationship has now been turned into the sense of loss, of grief. Yes, the part where you start grieving is really hard. I grieved for my lost innocence, the sense that I met him when I was (removed by moderator) years old, I had no idea men could be so brutal and manipulative. I grieved for the pregnancy I had terminated because I couldn’t bear to have a child and be linked with him. I grieved for the job he lost me because of his terrorising behaviour. I grieved that someone couldn’t love me as I had once loved them. I grieved for the happy and confident person I once was. It takes time but it is worth it, you will find yourself again. Yoga is very good for healing physical, mental and emotional scars. Believe in yourself and love yourself.

  • #96803
     Cecile 
    Participant

    Hi Chunkydunk thank you for posting. I have had a very bad day feeling lost and lonely and very scared and helpless. These posts have helped me, and also to see that others are in the same position. The childhood experiences are interesting. I know that his behaviours mirror one of my parents and I was quite emotionally and physically abused as a child and teenager. I needed his over control, it was so familiar to me, and normal.
    I don’t know what the answer is. I have an emptiness inside which I know is in part caused by not having the roller coaster of fear and submission taking up all my thoughts. Also I had become numbed emotionally I don’t know if you experienced this. It can be painful when our feelings start to return.
    I keep a journal and write to myself, I use it also to write accounts of any aggressive behaviour by him. I have invented a guardian angel called Maurice who is a middle aged gay French man, balding. He always gives me good advice and he reminds me that I am important and that I need to look after me. Sometimes I write to him as well. Sorry if that sounds nuts but it works! Try it!
    There are so many women who give so much good advice to us on this forum. Please keep posting as it was good to hear from you, and I you help yourself to feel better soon.

  • #96828
     Shocked 
    Participant

    This my first time on forum, I feel totally blind sighted I thought my marriage was amazing, the first time I recognised the abuse it was because he accused me of something I didn’t do in such a chilling manner, the second time was the same, he brushed both of these off told me to move on. The third one it was as if one minute I dint exist, literally he was so cold to me I couldn’t believe it, this was followed up quickly by niceness all over me, then he drugged and raped me. I was broken, I couldn’t take any food or drink from him for the fear he would redrug me. I couldn’t tell anyone as he’s prominent in the community and everyone loves him. He’s isolated me and been to all our friends already. I made him move out and changed the locks, I know if I let him back I’m risking my life. I’ve got a job but no one knows any of this. I cry all the time, I hide in the house triple check my way to work and I also don’t know how to move forward, I don’t even know who I am.

    • #96933
       Chunkydunk 
      Participant

      Hello Shocked, I wanted to reply to give you some support. I too was told to forget it & move on it’s in the past after his abuse, as if it was nothing, which I suppose to him that’s exactly what it was as was I…. nothing. I think when we get out of these relationships we don’t expect to have this intense feeling of grief & it comes as a shock to us all. I know I have never felt pain like it in all my life. Seeing the therapist has helped me clear my head somewhat & this forum has been such a help. I still have him in my head 24/7 but it is not all consuming anymore. I am trying so hard to move on as quickly as possible because I don’t want him to define the rest of my life. He has taken decades of it as it is! I couldn’t see anything positive a few months ago & I didn’t know how I stayed upright somedays, I couldn’t get past him. The ladies on here were right it’s so hard but it does improve I have started to look forward now. I wish you all well x

  • #96936
     Shocked 
    Participant

    Thank you Chunkydunk, I cant wait for the day I feel better than broken x

  • #96960
     snowbunting 
    Participant

    Hello Shocked, I was in the same position as you, with an ex, who has a job of responsibility and influence. I can relate so well to the complete absorbing pain and fear in your daily life. I could not speak as I was in such mental pain to make sense to myself let alone an outsider. I did eventually find a counsellor who helped me find the courage to have compassion for myself. And although not every experience of speaking to friends and family has gone well, it has made me realise how little people understand of domestic abuse. This forum was my first experience of being with women who truly understand. I look back to a year ago and I literally sat at the window for months, if I went out I would come home and sob, the being with people and putting on a front was absolutely exhausting and drained every last bit of energy from me then gradually things became easier and I am starting to regain some confidence. I wish you well too, keep posting, there are so many supportive women on here who understand. xx

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