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I found out recently that the ex before this one is now marrried. He was fundamentally not an abuser… he’s a nice guy, he was nice to me, he didn’t abuse me… just the same as my other ex’s didn’t abuse me but ultimately my abusive ex is rite- no one wants me… not even him. I’ve been dumped by the most lovely men in the kindest ways… because I’m unloveable… my (abusive?) ex is Just the only one who stuck around to show me what it is about me that makes everyone els run a mile… and If not even he can stand to be around me than no one ever will
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Try not to message him. It will make you feel worse. It’s good that you recognise that being told nobody would ever love you is something that came from your abuser not internally. It’s a particularly insidious voice as when we leave generally we will be single and full of self doubt, which is an easy time to believe that no one will ever love us. I still find myself thinking along that kind of line quite a bit. My abuser loved my long hair so I cut it all off when I left. I love my new hair, but a few weeks ago I found myself feeling convinced that no man would be attracted to me with short hair. Now we’re talking bob here, not shaven head, and quite frankly I know it suits me better than long hair did. It was still hard to convince myself that the kind of men I would like to date wouldn’t actually care.
I’m doing four things to counteract his voice in my head. The first is just to recognise when something is his belief not mine. Then if possible I counter it with evidence to the contrary – in the early days I talked through this stuff with friends, but now I can mostly do it in my head. The third is distraction – trying to spend less time analysing things really helps me. I think that habit of overthinking came from the abuse, because I was continually trying to predict what would set him off and how to avoid that. It leads to really unhealthy thought patterns, so when I feel myself going down that road I try to distract myself with activities I find absorbing. Going out walking, doing crafts, and playing music are my go tos, although recently I have also been trying to do more cooking. The last and hardest thing I have been trying to do is look after myself as though I love myself. It can be really hard, but I figure learning to love myself again has to be the first step if I ever want healthy relationships in the future. You can start this with just really easy self care – doing your make up or hair, having a bath. Then work up to the harder ones. I am trying to lose the stress weight I put on with him and get fitter because I deserve to be as well as I can and am practicing looking in the mirror and seeing parts of myself that I find attractive. I only do the mirror on good days, but the fitness I am working on daily. It does get better though, I promise. I hope this is helpful. It’s taken me months to work up to all this so don’t feel any pressure to try and do it all right now. Just pull anything you find useful out of this and ignore the rest. You’ll find your own road, and it might look nothing like mine and it might not. Give yourself plenty of time.
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Hi thank you for your reply. I’d been out with some friends and cocktails do not help me to think rationally… thankfully I managed to resist msging him.
I can relate so much to your post- I did literally the exact same thing with my hair.. it’s now a bob where it used to be very long.
The real thing I’m struggling with is that whilst my ex was probably the only one that told me I was unlovable- the evidence of it being true is still there. I’ve always ultimately been dumped and no one has ever wanted to stay with me long term. I already believed there was something unlovable about me long before I got with him -
That’s just his voice in your head. Instead of thinking about past romantic relationships. Think about positive relationships. Your family, kids, friends etc. I think we put far too much energy into thinking about romantic relationships. There is a great deal of satisfaction from all kinds of friendships. But firstly, be your own best friend x
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It’s a really tough position when you are straight out of an abusive relationship because the likelihood is that he has probably damaged some of your relationships with other people as well, either by manipulating your perception (my ex out and out made up stuff that my family and friends had told him which made me then not trust them), or by making you think they don’t like you, or by actually preventing you from spending time with them, or by the fact of the abuse itself. It’s a hard thing to talk about, but also a huge secret and wedge between you and other people who care about you. I had a bit of all of these going on and it definitely helps feed into the no one loves me kind of frame of mind. Reconnecting and rebuilding friendships really helps with feeling better about your loveability.
But honestly, almost everyone on here has had no successful relationships, defining successful as didn’t end with someone leaving. Realistically most relationships end up with break-ups. Even a large number of marriages end in break-ups and there must be hundreds more relationships that end within weeks than there are marriages.
The way you are feeling is normal after any kind of break-up and especially after abuse, but if you look after yourself and your friendships so that you learn to love yourself again I have no doubt that other people will be attracted to you in the future, and as a bonus you will be in a good position to decide if you want a relationship with them or not, because you won’t be looking for the ego boost that someone else finding you attractive inevitably is. I think that definitely for me I got into my abusive relationship when I didn’t love myself and that made me vulnerable to his manipulation. I am confident that I will be in a much better place the next time I meet someone though. Getting that voice out of my head that tells me no one could love me is taking time, but I am making progress and I am sure you will too.
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Hi Starmoon,
Please don’t rush to find someone. Better to find you first. I’m still finding myself. I was married for decades to a man I knew wasn’t great, had faults a always blamed them on me. I spent most of my adult life trying to please him or at least not upset him! Pleasing him was impossible
Still, while I’m saving up the money to leave him I’m redefining who I am/want to be. I’m now 5stone lighter, fitter(dancing to music as I clean) and contacting friends and family to say hello I feel more like me again like the (detail removed by Moderator) year old girl he met and destroyed. Hope this makes sense -
Your thinking is impaired by abuse.
You need to turn this around.
No man deserves to be loved by you.
If you do, then they have to be grateful to the almighty goddess forever and ever.And also, do you really need a man?
What for?
Try out a life without a man for a while.
Learn to embrace your freedom and peace.
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