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    • #145702
      Mellow
      Participant

      I’m not having a great day I’ve done all the relevant steps to leave but now I’m left on housing register and not even near getting a house on priority I can’t get private as it’s just too expensive I’ve been thinking of getting access to transport to make my situation better I just feel like I’m in a waiting game waiting for the next week to see if I will be accommodated I can’t seek refuge due to a lot of reasons I know it works for some but it won’t be beneficial for my situation just hate the waiting when I want to get on.I’ve moved on him my head but he keeps hoovering me being nice and wanting to spoil me with kisses I’m thinking why now ?why you treating me like this now I’ve met someone else and he knows I have it’s been nothing intimate but I’ve still moved on in a way but I’m saying you don’t love me why kiss me now and try and act lovey dicey but sometimes I kiss him back cause he dosent move till I do even when I say no it’s like in his head we are not really done properly I just want him to go so I can get on which he now looks like he will but I still got issues where I have to move house long story

    • #145703
      Scarecrow
      Participant

      Hi Mellow,

      didnt want to read and run but I have been you and i wanted you to know that you are not alone.

      Refuge is not for everyone, I had pets that I could not leave so I had to stick it out. It is not ideal to still be living with him, but you have realised the issue and you are tuning him out of your head. This is the reason that he is all over you, trying to hoover you back as he doesnt believe that you will leave him or he wants to do everything he can to keep his supply.

      Do you have any family that you could stay with for a few days? Gather your strength and give yourself a mental break?

      Scarecrow

    • #145771
      Mellow
      Participant

      Thanks for your message I’ve gone through the whole leaving to come back and I’ve had somewhere to stay now and again but just want to be out the cycle cause he’s confusing me with his hot cold behaviour he craving positive attempts now and being lovey duvey it’s getting to point he keeps looking for sexual and physical contact I’ve already moved on him my head and with another person I feel like I’m betraying the other person I’ve said NO so many times but now he keeps coming into my face to kiss and things like that I’m trying to shake him off sometimes jokingly sometimes not I’ve been strong and said no but he won’t listen he did something else today and I just thought why are you doing that I don’t love you and he’s even going with the fact I don’t love him but still wants all that contact

      • #145775
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        Hi Mellow

        I don’t know your situation in any depth, is this his ‘home’, does he have right over the property you are sharing with him? Because if you have equal rights, can you get an occupation order against him, based on the continual sexual assaults you are experiencing, is that something you might consider doing?

        I can see that you have been looking to leave and made the appropriate approaches to that end, but, currently stalled in the massive queue from what you’ve said.

        Have you reported any of this to the police?

        None of these questions are necessary for you to answer here/now, but things to consider for your protection going forward.

        I would also recommend taking a lot of time to be on your own, without any emotional relationship ties romantically, because of the chaos that you have been living with him. It has such a deep and lasting affect that its very hard to come back to yourself, who you really are, and what you need, and to discover boundaries. Boundaries strong enough to hold you on your own course, without need for any other in your life. It can be so easy to run straight out of one bad and highly abusive relationship into another without having helped yourself through the damage that caused you.

        Do you think the new man you have met would be happy to wait some time and give you space, I assume he knows you are still with someone, who is abusive? If he doesn’t know, it would be best if he did know, as honesty is the basis of any decent relationship and something you both need.

        I hope you find something helpful in this post for you as there is so much going on in your day to day life right now, it all sounds so very fast and intense. Do you have rl support from anywhere – any friends or family that are aware that you can turn to? Access to a Freedom Programme where you will get the support of other women, and lots of boundary learning which will help you move forward safely. They can also help you with safety plans, or will know someone who can.

        warmest wishes

        ts

    • #145788
      Mellow
      Participant

      I don’t think it’s sexual abuse he just won’t take no for an answer then I give in he dosent get nasty he’s being nice but we are not in a relationship

      • #145790
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Not taking no for an answer is abuse, he’s not respecting your boundaries and knows you’re in a new relationship- in his head he’s ‘winning’ by getting you to kiss or sleep with him and he’s ‘better’ than your new partner. The being nice is an act xx

      • #145798
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        What you describe is sexual assault if I’m reading that right?

        That he is hassling you for sexual contact of some sort, which you don’t want, he gets nasty and you say ok? Thats sexual assault/abuse, coercion, and it isn’t consensual, because you state that you don’t want it anymore, and being in a ‘relationship’ or not, is irrelevant to the sexual abuse, as this makes it even clearer that it is abusive.

      • #145806
        Lisa
        Main Moderator

        Hi Mellow,

        I thought you mind find this information about, “What is sexual consent?” put together by Rape Crisis useful to read through. Just like any kind of abuse, sexual assault/abuse can feel really confusing and make survivors uncertain about what they’ve experienced.

        You could contact Rape Crisis to talk things through and for some specialist support. They have a phone line, 0808 802 9999, between 8am and 12am (midnight) every day and a Live Chat. They’re open to anyone who’s experienced any kind of sexual violence.

        Take care and all the best,
        Lisa

    • #145811
      Mellow
      Participant

      Thank you I think I’m finding it difficult thinking it’s sexual abuse because when he leans to kiss me I often turn my head away so it hits my cheek or try and comfort him in some way so he goes like patting his back or I laugh like it’s a joke anything I can think of at the time .because I know the relationship has ended.he even says he loves me and I don’t say it back even if he asks.it’s all very confusing for me because I keep thinking about the things he’s done and not even apologised why has he carried on like nothing has happened? Even in the house he can be speaking to me one minute then on phone to a woman the next I’ve realised that none of this is my fault and I think he has something wrong with his personality I do think it stems from his parents after noticing a few things.i also feel so sad because I think it’s how he was brought up and thinking how could this have all happened to me .as some of the family knew stuff he done with a woman and didn’t think anything of it just see him as the favourite child or something.but at the same time sometimes I want the attention I can’t explain it that’s why it’s better one of us goes so I don’t have to feel like this cause I know although we have some good times most of it is bad like him not speaking to me all day then wanting physical contact at night then going back to speak to another woman within 5 minutes.and the kissing when he’s bearly spoke to me all day only the bear minimum spends all day on his technology

      • #145812
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        I think I might be getting a bit confused about whether you are telling us its over, or whether you’ve told him its over and there’s no ‘relationship’, as, if you’ve told him, he’s ignoring you.

        An abuser will tell you when its over! What he’s doing is ignoring you completely by going in for a kiss, and it is sexual assault. By touching your person in any way when its unwanted is a form of assault, although ‘assault’ sounds like a much more aggressive word, it has this impact on you emotionally.

        You may not feel it is all that bad, but this is the place that women abused come to, because their abuser will normalise and minimise your feelings around it. Like he is doing other things and not allowing you to ‘tell him’ whats ok for you, when you are the only person in the world able to tell anyone about how it is for you, and what you want.

        Its not ok that he touch your body anywhere, unless its what you actively want.

        warmest wishes

        ts

      • #145813
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        just to add…it also doesn’t matter what he may have suffered, whats he’s doing to you is wrong.

        they are two different things, what he’s suffered, and what he’s doing to you, they are not linked.

      • #146166
        Mellow
        Participant

        I’ve told him it’s over he said he’s accepting it’s just his actions are confusing

      • #146172
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        All you need do is to repeat, its over, remember? If he’s already agreed with you that its over, just make sure he’s clear about that each time he tries to do something inappropriate.

        He’s crossing your boundaries, and you can step back and repeat, and if he does not listen and continues, then thats assault. No is no. Would you be scared to do that, would this be risky? Above all make sure you are safe.

        warmest wishes

        ts

      • #145814
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Look at it another way, if one of your children said to you their partner was trying to kiss them when they turned away, wanted sex when they’d intentionally ignored them all day and was cheating/seeing other people – what would you be saying to them? It’s really hard when we’re in the thick of it to see just how bad it is, so this tactic might help xx

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