No trust or tolerance with others

[Lemonnaise]

I’ve posted before about trust issues. However I’ve been thinking about why all of a sudden I just seem to be losing tolerance with other people. A couple of friends I’ve known for years and years for example: I suddenly have no desire to keep up my friendships with them, even though they’ve done nothing particularly wrong. Wondered if this was common among women who have come out the other side of abuse.
I just seem to have such a low tolerance – could be age and wisdom – but it’s like a switch has been flicked. I feel very sad about it as these were people I considered close friends but now I just think – you don’t get me, you don’t know me and maybe I overlooked certain things before and put up with them, but now I’m not doing it any more.
The reasons for me losing tolerance are really tiny things (to others), for example them dismissing an opinion over something trivial – but to me it’s huge and if I explained it to them, they would be truly baffled by it.
I think it’s just my newly instated boundaries, but what shocks me is how strongly and vehemently I feel it.

[Lemonnaise]

I forgot to say: I don’t know how to explain this to old friends. I know ghosting is bad but that’s sort of what I’ve done. Any tips appreciated.

[Bluelines]

Hi
I’ve done this too
I’ve shut myself off from friends as I feel they can’t understand my pain and relate to me
I’m not proud of it

I also have the boundaries you describe
Someone told me I was being ridiculous yesterday and that made derogatory comments about my personal life
I just walked away end of conversation and will not reopen that door

There are still some friends I care deeply about and value but I definitely have less friends
I don’t know if it’s good or bad

I think I have become colder

[fizzylem]

Same, I think it’s closely linked to me now feeling this is my life and I don’t want to spend time doing stuff I dont really want to do anymore, especially as I dont really get that much free time either, I opt for tv and bed over seeing a friend atm, I usually always regret arranging something if I do – so I rarely do it now – I accept this is just the way it is for now – I know it will change at some point.

I wish my friends well but no longer put in the effort required to maintain the friendships and they seem to have dropped off a lot over the last few years – I dont consider this ghosting though, more this is just where I am right now, that we’re in very different places. I’ve stayed friends with those who accept me the way I am completely, that do not question how much time has passed since they last saw me even though it’s many months later.

I also feel on a totally different page and get annoyed listening to what is the current problem when it seems really trivial, but I have noticed when I’m in a positive frame and feeling well this I can do, it’s only really when I am not feeling that great myself that I struggle with this. I also think a big part of it is because I dont have a ‘normal’ ‘peaceful’ life back quite yet – I think when I do friends will be a big part of that, just not got to that space in time yet. Suppose if I have any friends left when I get there then I know these are the keepers x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Lemonnaise, since I left my ex I’ve also cut a few people from my life too. I was always aware of their behaviour but as with my oh I made excuses for it. Then one day one of them spoke to me like s..t. her daughter got involved and she was even worse, I’ve since blocked and deleted them from my life. I think, like @fizzylem said, it’s our lives now, we get to say who’s in it.
Hi fizzy, I too have been arranging to meet people though not really wanting to. Tbh I don’t think I’m ready to be sociable but I also know that if I stay in I’ll end up ruminating too much. My sleeping pattern has improved thank goodness. Still falling asleep at the wheel if I drive more than an hour, so trying to build it up as I’ll have a long journey ahead of me at some point.
Nice to see some familiar names
IWMB 💞💞

[fizzylem]

Hey IWMB, nice to see you on the forum again. Starting again takes a long time hey, it’s taken us both such a long time to even get to the starting line, I’m not quite there yet, still have fam c to get past and get my new place set up, still in temp accommodation at present, hoping that things can get back to normal then, that I will be able to rebuild. Takes a long time to recover doesnt it, but then it will wont it when you think of the amount of time we stayed / the amount of time spent in his company – there’s an after math once we leave to get past too isn’t there. Keep chipping away lovely, take the time out when you need it, thinking it’s all about giving yourself whatever it is you need now. Sometimes it’s hard to workout when it’s one of those times I need to make myself go here and when it’s better to stop home alone hey. It will come; your light is too bright to stay dimmed for too long. Reckon youre taking the rest you need for now. Spring will help hey. Big love to you x

[Lemonnaise]

Thank for the replies. I’ve been feeling like a freak lately due to the state of my relationships. I really need to talk this over with a counsellor (don’t have one currently) because it troubles me a lot.
A friend I told recently that I need space just doesn’t get it and keeps contacting me – I didn’t want to get to the stage where I block or ghost but some people don’t give me any choice sadly. The rush of anxiety I get from seeing certain messages pop up is too much for me to handle. I’m cross at people who do this yet I’m not sure they understand. They’ve not seen me like this before so I’m not surprised.

[Hetty]

When I left my first husband I kind of ‘woke up’ to other relationships too. Some of my friends who I’d known for a long time were also bad news for me. I found that not just in relationship with my husband, but in friendships also, I was being treated in ways that were no longer acceptable to me. One friend in particularly who’d I’d known since childhood was passive aggressive and very jealous of me. She was horrible to me so I decided to call it a day. It was a very painful thing to let go but in the end I knew it was the right thing to do.
Other friends I had didn’t get it. If I said I didn’t want to go out it was like a major drama and they couldn’t understand how vulnerable I was feeling. Over the years my trusted circle is is now maybe 3 friends at most.

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