No way out

[Neueranfang]

To cut a long story short, I have been with my abusive partner for over (detail removed by Moderator) years now and we have got two kids together.
I tried to leave many times before but he always manipulated me and almost forced me to take him back.I’ve come to the point now that I haven’t got anything left for him.I hate him with all my heart and just want a new start for me and my boys.He is also a cocaine addict which goes really well with the already existing abusive nature.I have been begging him for months to move out.The flat is in my name and he hasn’t got the right to stay.However he won’t leave.He verbally abuses me every morning before work in front of the kids because he doesn’t want me to work (he did this with every job I had).(detail removed by Moderator) he attacked me physically and the neighbours called the police as he was shouted out what he is gonna do to me etc.
Since then I had to talk to social services and the headteacher of my kids school.Everyone is saying I have to leave him which I agree with but he won’t go.I’m living in this never ending hell.I don’t get any sleep as he comes in late, often drunk and wakes me up to tell me this is all my fault.Apparently I have this plan and he comes out with these ridiculous out of this world theories.(detail removed by Moderator) he took (detail removed by Moderator) ipod (linked to my (detail removed by Moderator)) and looked up all my movements.He also gets very angry if the google history is deleted and he forced me to reactivate my facebook (after not being on social media for (detail removed by Moderator) years) because he thinks I am talking to men.Then he tried to get into my email account because he thinks I am emailing police.All this in one night.I had 2 hours sleep that night and dragged myself to work the next day.I told his parents that he has to move out but they are ignoring it just like he is.(detail removed by Moderator) he said he won’t stay in my flat but he came back again around (detail removed by Moderator) and is here now.I can’t get him out.If I get the locks changed he will still be able to get in to the communal door downstairs and he can just kick the flat door in as he did before.If I call police my kids get traumatised again and social services get informed again.I don’t know what to do.I just want him to go.

[ISOPeace]

Oh goodness Neueranfang, that certainly sounds like hell! Have you spoken to women’s aid? Please do. Actually to call, you call the national domestic abuse helpline or a local domestic abuse service, or you can live chat women’s aid.

I don’t have direct experience of a lot of what you describe (I have tried to leave yet) but I’m sure others can offer good advice.

Would he respect a non molestion order? I know it involves the police, but could be worth it to keep him away.

I’m afraid I’m not sure what else to suggest but wanted to reply to your post as my heart really goes out to you. Reaching out here was the right thing to do. You are so strong to manage what you’ve been through. You have the strength to get you and your children safe. Sending lots of love xxxx

[Watersprite]

Hi there – you are so
Much further on than you realise you have recognised this is abuse and is not safe for you or your children. You have started to engage with support. You will need that for the next bit. I’ve been there – yes kids were traumatised by social services and police being in but that is nothing compared to them continuing to live with abuse and addiction.They are there to help you. Try and call national domestic abuse helpline or leave the house with kids if possible and call police. They will be able to get orders to make him leave or get you and kids into refuge. Leaving is the most dangerous time tell him nothing and start planning your next steps. You can do this – sending support x*x

[Anonymous]

The manipulation is forcing you to stay with him.
This is not your fault.
Can you get a non molestation order while you should be at work? That way the police can arrest him if he violates the order?
There is a service I used to get mine, and the order can be served within days.
If you report him to the police they will give you the contact details you need to get the non molestation order.
Do you have a safety plan? Somewhere you can stay temporarily?
Your partner is already causing trauma. Getting the police involved might be stressful, but it might help you get to a safer place.
I felt the same way when I first separated from my ex. He assaulted one of our children, and the police wanted to meet with my son. At the time I did not want to add to what my child was already experiencing.
Now that I’m out of the relationship, I have realised how much it affected our children. They see more and know more than we’d like to think.
I hope the best for you and your boys xx

[Anonymous]

I forgot to add that the police won’t confront your partner if you don’t want them to. So you can report him, they’ll take record of it and guide you in the direction to obtain a non molestation order. If he shows up to your flats, the police can be there within minutes and arrest him.
You have the right to be safe at home. You have the right not to be terrorised.
This is not your fault xx

[Neueranfang]

Thanks a lot for your kind and supportive words and advise.
Unfortunately I haven’t got anyone here to stay with.My family are abroad and not aware of what has been going on over the last (detail removed by Moderator) as I don’t want them to worry plus I feel ashamed and like I failed.From day one he isolated me from friends and he gets annoyed when I speak to family members on the phone.He has said the most terrible things about my family even though they have always welcomed him with open arms and been so good to him.But they don’t know what he is saying about them.Too painful.I witnessed domestic abuse as a child and from when my parents got divorced and my father moved out, we didn’t really have him in our lives and then he died very young from (detail removed by Moderator).
My mother found love again and got married (detail removed by Moderator) years ago (after being on her own for a very long time).And my partner keeps saying I just wanna end up like her and that she is no good cause she got a new man and that’s all we are interested in ‘men’.He also says my mother’s husband fancies me and that’s why he won’t let me see my family.But he also kicked off every time I went to see my family before my mum got remarried.And also when he comes with us.(detail removed by Moderator) we went to see my family together and he pretended to be this nice guy and as soon as we were on our own he would kick off and verbally abuse me.
He will always find a reason.Currently he is kicking off every morning because of my job.Again he complained about every job I ever had and made me quit a few times.He doesn’t like the fact that I’ve got contact to other people when at work.He says I’m only working to be around men and that I am selling him and our family out for my job.
He threatened to come to my work place and attack me.My colleagues are not aware of the abuse either.I’m working as a (detail removed by Moderator) and love my job but I can’t tell people at work as they have to safeguard (detail removed by Moderator) and certainly don’t want a (detail removed by Moderator) abuser calling up or showing up….x*x

[Neueranfang]

In regards to the police.He is already wanted as I reported him in (detail removed by Moderator) and he hasn’t been complying with probation etc.(detail removed by Moderator) when the neighbours called police he run away.
He told me (detail removed by Moderator) that I am going to far and that I am breaking the family up.Let me tell you he hasn’t got any interest in anything else but his coke addiction and abusing me.I don’t know how to get him out of my flat.My son doesn’t want me to throw him out or call police.I’m the bad one when I haven’t done anything wrong.If I get police involved he will go straight to prison….

[Watersprite]

He sounds dangerous – and will be more so as he will be sending you are freeing yourself. Your son is afraid you are afraid but you are his mum he needs you to act and get a plan together. He is abusive – it’s not your fault. At least police will take it seriously due to him being wanted. Refuge will give you breathing space support you to independence. You are frozen because you are afraid. That is no way to live you deserve a peaceful calm home and to go to work and be able to concentrate fully on your son your work and YOU. I think you should call the police when it’s safe to do so – there are lots of serious safety flags here. Take care – keep posting if it helps xx

[KIP.]

Call the police but don’t tell him you’ve done it. You can blame the neighbours again if you have to but you must get the police to take him away otherwise he’s going nowhere. Prison is where he can get drug treatment and your son is a child, You’re the adult and you need to protect your child. Even if he doesn’t understand yet.

[Neueranfang]

He is definitely dangerous if he feels I’m standing up for myself or refusing to be with him.I realised I am in an abusive relationship many years ago but I also tried to leave many times and realised it won’t be easy.(detail removed by Moderator) (detail removed by Moderator) he just turnt up at the school when I told him to stay away as the headteacher knows my two children are witnessing domestic abuse and she has got a safeguarding duty.He seems to think I am bluffing.He keeps telling me I am out of order and I am the abuser.He told our kids the other day he tried his best to keep the family together.Sometimes I think he is bipolar or so.His reality is so far away from my reality.He is trying to make me believe what he is doing is not that bad.Since I’ve been with him, I haven’t been allowed to wear the clothes I am comfy in.It got worse over the years and (detail removed by Moderator) he told me my jeans are too tight.He justifies himself by saying ‘what man would want the world to see his girlfriend’s big bottom’ (just with rotten horrible words).
He is convinced I slept with his brother.Not sure when that would have happened because I haven’t been out on my own in more than (detail removed by Moderator) years.But he loves socialising.I came off social media cause it was too stressful being checked up on all the time but he is on social media and when he flirts with other girls there is nothing in it.For over (detail removed by Moderator) years I haven’t had a week without being called names.Every now and then I got a a couple of days off but usually I get called horrible names daily.I really could write a book.It is just so sad because of what we could have been.Now everyone is in pain and I wasted (detail removed by Moderator) years of my life.In regards to prison.That is probably the best place for him but I would feel guilty to put his mum through it.She would be very stressed and his family would blame me when at the moment they understand and are on my side.x*x

[maddog]

None of this is of your doing, Neueranfang.

Abusers always try to turn the tables and make out that they are the victims. Studies suggest that female abusers have a different motivation and use different tactics. What this implies is that when your partner projects his behaviour onto you, it’s more of a confession.

If your partner’s mum is truly on your side, they will have no qualms in wanting to protect you and the grandchildren.

Please keep reaching out. Baby steps. For now, the safety of you and your children is paramount. His family, however much you rely on them, can’t be trusted. Blood is always thicker than water.

You’ve done nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You won’t change him or the family he comes from. You have the power to work on yourself. It’s the only thing any of us have. We have the power to move on. Abusers and their families don’t have that. Please seek real life advice and keep posting

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for all your replies.It is just nice to be able to talk about all this.
You are right, I definitely can’t trust his family.His mum pretends to be on my side but when it comes to it she will stick to her son.She has been living with domestic abuse for over (detail removed by Moderator) years and managed to leave my partners dad (detail removed by Moderator) years ago.She should know what her own son is doing to me and them children but it is still her son.I’ve contacted my partners parents and told them he has to move out but nothing happened.He is still here.I packed all his stuff and I have been begging him to leave daily for weeks now but he just won’t go.He is acting like I am mad and he seems to think I’m gonna change my mind and want him back.Well…I don’t.I want him gone for good.I hate the sight of him.I hate hearing his voice and I hate seeing his name in my phones caller list.It is always just his name because I don’t have any friends or people calling me.If someone calls me from work or so I have to make sure I delete the number and the entry on my caller list because that is something he would kick off about.I just don’t know how to get him out.The flat is in my name.He hasn’t got no right to stay here.Xxxxx

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