Nobody to turn to stuck in my own head

[Chocolatebunnie]

Social worker came but had to leave as wasn’t safe

Spoken with local support who are amazing but it’s once a week for now.

I’m absolutely riddled with fear and anxiety.

I don’t have anyone else to talk to, I can’t burden the kids as they have their own Mental Health issues and this is their dad regardless.

Can’t talk to friends as it’s so personal, could be dangerous and some people just won’t get it.

My parents wanted me to get advice but I can’t bring them into it.

I really have nobody and this situation is not normal or easy by any means.

I knew social services would probably be involved, if I referred and I’m honest with myself a cry for help? I don’t know.

I love my children I want them to be safe and happy.

Some of the reasoning for me staying with my husband is his irresponsible parenting, alcohol and drug use and my fear of him having the kids weekends. Not to forget the smacks and emotional abuse. I felt like staying together prevented some of this but when you stuck in the midsts it’s hard to think clearly.

I just hope they understand I want to protect my children. I’m stuck for so many reasons and without my husband I will have a lot of extra responsibilities that I’m scared I won’t manage. Practical things that I don’t have time or money to fix and I’m scared things will go from bad to worse.

Besides this I’m scared of what is happening and what will happen when social services speak with my husband. I’m scared of his reaction and I’m not sure how they are planning to do this.

I’m in limbo, it’s so hard being here with him and trying to pretend none of this has happened.

How to you get through this?

[Footballfan1]

Gosh Chocolatebunnie
Hearing your words , honestly, it’s so difficult.
Try to unpick one issue at a time.
Why the freaking heck did social worker decide it was unsafe for them?
What about you and kids?
That’s there job.

Try again (because I know you already did this) the local domestic abuse service near you.
I swear, you will get through at some point.
Its long winded and time consuming but I swear, you will get through.
Keep posting little or big issues.
Stay strong xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Sorry I wasn’t clear, but social worker can to see me but he was on his way home so we didn’t get far

She’s a domestic abuse social worker and is in contact as they feel
I need help and support protecting kids I’m guessing nothings clear as early days but I’m a need to know kind of person.

I do have a local WA support worker now she’s amazing but once a week is not enough it’s in between this times im struggling

Thanks for the reply it’s helped me feel less alone x

[Bananaboat]

Slow down lovely. I remember this stage, you feel like you have to fix it all at once! I felt like if I left the house, the next one would have to be fully/perfectly decorated and furnished, that my routine would have to be to a T, so on and so on – all those battles you fight now and not being able to do this made my brain say stay then. It’s a mix of survival mode, fog, cognitive dissonance, addiction etc all kicking in. It’s scary leaving, but there’s no time frame on it and it’s a journey. You’re going to face hurdles but you are now, and you’re coping! Imagine doing it without his alcohol/drugs/negative put-downs in the mix. Baby steps forward are still steps in the right direction, and there will be days you stumble back a few. Keep focused on what you don’t want anymore and know all these feelings are ok. You got this xx

[Watersprite]

Hi CB – it’s good you have support and services are helping you. A social worker saved my life ex wouldn’t let me see her by myself but she didn’t give up. In the end police and social services got us out and the court protected us. I had to put my trust in them or I wouldn’t be here writing this police were mixed but social services and IDVA were amazing. Much as you like to think your children don’t know it’s only when you leave you can see the full impact of DA on yourself and your kids. It’s a hard journey but know you are not alone and have faith I. Yourself you are stronger than you know everyone surviving abuse has so much strength you just can’t see it until after you leave. Stay safe you all deserve better x*x

[Chocolatebunnie]

I honestly can’t thank you enough for your replies, I was thinking that they are expecting me to end things and protect my children straight away. I’m scared I will look bad for letting him back in my life. I have tried four or five times to separate, before I wasn’t absolutely sure it was abuse I kept doubting it.

Now it’s like he’s unraveling in front of me, the real person not the fake. I see the goid things but more and more I’m seeing the little comments and looks that keep me in my place, I didn’t realise how much before, how belittling or how he asks me how to do things not because he can’t but because it makes he life easier if he pretends he can’t.

I mustn’t doubt myself but self esteem is low, and I guess years of emotional abuse (still finding it hard to except) must remind myself I have reached out 3 times now for help. I have hoped each counsellor the kids have seen would tell me it was abuse, I even told my own counsellors it was potentially abuse. Nobody would comment it had to come from me. But I’ve only just begun to really see it. Why has it taken so long why didn’t someone tell me.

I’m scared to trust anyone for fear of being let down or judged.

I’m scared that they will say they will help and then decide it’s not abuse, I’m overreacting but at the same time I wish it was a mistake and for it all to disappear.

Did you feel like this too?

I want the cycle to end, I promised myself I would never live like this seeing my mother do it.

I left in my teens to live on my own to escape this and have now repeated the cycle.

I want help. I want counselling for abuse, to be free.

I want my children to be free to have support and for them to have a better life than this. I will be heartbroken if the cycle continues for them.

I think you’re right it will look different once things change and I’ve had time. I do know but find it hard to hold onto this thought.

I’m scared that social services will speak to my husband whilst I’m still living with him and what that will do, will they do this or wait until we are safe? I don’t know how this works? He’s never hurt me but who knows how he may react if he’s being accused of being abusive. He’s going to point the finger at somebody.

Will they tell him what I’ve said? I’ve been very open this is so anxiety inducing.

Anything you can advise me will be appreciated

CB X

I

[Eggshells]

Hi CB

The best person to address your concerns to is your social worker. Maybe try to call them or email them. Tell them your fears and ask what happens next.

Social workers are individuals and whilst there may be set procedures in some local authorities, it is up to the individual social worker to work out which set of procedures to follow and when. Every case is so different that they have to exercise their own professional judgement.

For that reason, no-one can predict what happens next. Your social worker is the only one who can tell you how they intend to follow up.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hï Eggshells

You’re right will get in touch and discuss.

I almost feel like this part is worse than the abuse. It’s unbearably painful.

Hopefully it will be clearer once I have spoken more with those involved.

Thanks for replying

CB X

[nbumblebee]

Firstly wow all this is so brave take a step back nreath and realise how brave you have been and are being.
You are doing so great and should be so lroud you can now see you are now accepting all this is abuse and that no you wont stand for it and yes you and your kids deserve better so much better but yes I can only imagine how frightening all this is.
We soend so long fighting doubting hurting trying to make it all better on our own when we do get help we domt trust it we lish it away we are too scared to accept it. You need to put your trust in Womans aid your support worker you need to trust them i am certain they wont do anything thag will pit you in danger they are there for you and your children not your husband they want to help you. Thats a hard thing to get your head round someone actually on your side someone who wants to help you.
Your self esteme is so slow you will find it so hard to accept but you must. You want and deserve that free life you have got to allow them to help you.
Trust someone sweetie.
Take each day as it comes each hour if you have too when he starts when you doubt come on here remind yourself that you are strong and brave and that you have taken those very important steps towards a life you deserve.
He will fight you he will doubt you but now you have people on your side you also have all of us beside you.
If you feel overwelmed talk to WA slow things down it wont be anything theh havent heard before. This is your journey you call the shots sweetie.
Good luck xxxxx

[Eggshells]

Yes, it is a very difficult process. The fear of the unknown can be so much more difficult than the fear of the abuse you already know.

You will have a lot of uncertainty now. You do get used to it. You develop a different kind of resilience. Try to stay on top of the services, keep the lines of communication open and don’t be afraid to ask what happens next.

Call in all the support you can. If you have friends and family, now is the time to lean on them for support. It might also be worth organising some talk therapy. Discussing things can help to clear your head. And post loads. The forum got me through more than any other support structure out there.

Big hugs 🫂

[Anonymous]

I have no words of advice. Only empathy.

I broke down half way through my pregnancy and told my midwife about how my ex was treating me at the time. His drug and alcohol use was bad. She made a referral to social services but he guilted me so much for so long, I eventually persuaded them to leave us alone. He was cured of his issues and was just having a blip! (At least, that’s what I told them.)

Every single time the midwife or since then, our health visitor would ask me how things were going at home – I’ve smiled. I’ve said things are great.

I finally kick my ex out recently. The advice I’ve been given is that I need to seek help from social services or at least my health visitor. He’s still been acting unpredictably for some time but whenever I tell him he is making me and my son feel unsafe, he blackmails me into keeping quiet. Unfortunately, he has some “dirt” on me from my past.

He’s been calmer for a few days. Will see what his next cycle of mental break down goes. But if he carries on making life horrendous for everyone, then I think I will need to seek SS help. But like you, I’m petrified of how nasty he can turn if I do go back down that route.

Keep us updated

[Chocolatebunnie]

I have read and reread these replies again and again thank you it’s been so helpful during these last few days

I have seen social worker again at school who’s been so reassuring and was able to ask her questions so I’m feeling a little more grounded.

Still finding this stage tricky with being normal and knowing he will find out in a few days or so what is going on. It’s still early days and looking forward to speaking with support from WA as it will help me stay on track.

Thanks again so much it’s been a few very dark days lots of anxiety, you’ve all been so lovely 💕

[StrongLife]

I’m stuck myself but in different situation. You have reached out it seems – keep reaching out. Things will improve for you. Keep going

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you stronglife I hope things are improving for you x

[StrongLife]

Initially (this was a while ago) I had two counsellors – one I would see once a month and the other once a fortnight.

Could you do that type of situation?

[Chocolatebunnie]

How have you been strong life have things improved for you?

Yes you’re right counselling I will need to, it does help.

Been, what seems like, constant therapy for years now. Mostly discussing’him’ says it all.

Definitely needs to be a counsellor who is specifically trained in abuse.

[Author]

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