12th February 2020 at 8:39 am #97553starqueenParticipant
I’m struggling a little at the minute. One of my family members was emotionally, psychologically and at times verbally abusive to me. A little while ago I found out they had died, and I’m currently sorting out everything. It’s bringing back a lot of trauma from previous events, but the first thing right now is the feeling of betrayal. One of my friends said it seemed like in the past they’d invalidated my feelings about a really serious event (not related to abuse) and it really did feel like that. I wouldn’t ever had expected this person to care that much about how I felt, but I guess the knowledge that people who aren’t even related to me have been more loving than one of my own family is hard to deal with right now, even though I’m so grateful to have those people in my life. It just feels like one more example of where I needed that person and they weren’t there.
I guess I’m just hoping someone can relate to this, it feels quite lonely sometimes going through this.
12th February 2020 at 9:20 am #97555OvercomeParticipant
I can relate, I think on some level we all can.
We never expect the ones who we love and think they love us in return to be able to be the ones who cause us so much pain… it seems unjust, doesn’t it.
I learned a hard lesson that not everybody thinks the same and has the same morals, and that broke my heart a little.
Let yourself grieve and then be thankful that you have some good people around you that are being supportive, it doesn’t have to be blood that makes people family, it can be love too x x
12th February 2020 at 3:37 pm #97579fizzylemParticipant
As hard as it is to feel the emotions we feel when we see these people in the cold light of day, it is very much needed, to be with how you feel, to let it sink in, and to think about what this means to you – then eventually you will see what lesson this has shown you that will enable you to move forwards in life with this lesson learned – so it becomes equipment for life and arms you for the future.
Take stock for now, sit with the reflection needed and feel the pain and disappointments – through the ‘reality’ lens this time.
My mother let me down badly as a child, but I have been able to move on, but only because I now have clarity regarding what the hell happened and why; I do sometimes wonder how I will feel when she passes, it’s been an abusive relationship that moved into a managed relationship that can only function at a surface level, and I always have to maintain clear, firm boundaries to keep it this way. So I imagine I will be taken back to memories re where it all started; but I hope to find peace and self understanding around her passing too, because I know I tried my best and this best was always only ever going to be ‘just ok at best’, and there were also many years where I simply cut her out, unable to deal with her, so I will need to find some self forgiveness here when she passes again I’m sure.
This will pass SQ, try to find the lessons x
13th February 2020 at 9:09 am #97603starqueenParticipant
Thank you both, I really appreciate your kind words. The truth is I’ve struggled to feel love for this person for a long time, I think I felt I had to keep anything like that guarded because I would just end up getting hurt. I think it’s more like I see what others have with their birth families, and yet in my most recent interactions with this person I just felt lonely, scared and not good enough. I keep telling myself to lean into the love and support I get from others and that helps. It’s just hard to accept those things sometimes, you know?
I definitely like the thing about looking for the lesson though, I’m struggling to see past my current situation — being triggered into feeling like I did last time I think! — so knowing there’ll be a lesson and I’ll come out wiser and stronger is a massive help too. 💕
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