Not able to cry

[cakepops]

I’m going through all sorts of issues with my ex still, despite being separated for a long time (we have children together so I can’t cut all contact sadly). There’s never ending new allegations from him to me directly and also social services and other professionals, issues with contact arrangements, behavioral issues with my child etc.

I realised today that I never cry about it. I feel sad, angry, anxious etc but it never actually leads to me crying. I am finally getting an NHS counselling appointment in a couple of weeks, and will obviously mention this. I feel like there’s a lot of tears in me, but almost like they’re stuck. Maybe too many years of hiding my feelings when I was with ex.

Does anyone else feel like this?

[KIP.]

Yes, for me it was years of having to hide my emotions, and having them not validated. I couldn’t cry for a while then anything would set me off. As the brain starts to experience real emotion as it begins to feel safe again. Absolutely zero direct contact is achievable and it’s something I’d urge you to make a priority. Not just for you but for your children if he is to have contact with them. He will use them to harm you emotionally and it will be worse with contact because he will enjoy watching. It fuels him. Use a contact centre and third parties.

[ISOPeace]

I’ve noticed this too. I think for me it partly comes from growing up in a home where feelings weren’t validated. But for sure, years of squashing down the feelings from the abuse has had a big impact, as well as having feelings dismissed while in the relationship. I’m reading the Body Keeps the Score at the moment and learning how you need to feel safe enough to feel your feelings again (like KIP said) and also learn how to feel by starting to allowing yourself to feel the bodily sensations that arise with feelings. We’ve all had to protect ourselves from the trauma of abuse by trying to shut it out and cut our minds off from our bodies (even if the abuse isn’t physical) but unfortunately supressing any feelings/experiences means you end up doing it to other feelings too.

I think the fact that you’ve noticed this is a really great sign that you’re bringing more awareness to your feelings. I hope the counselling helps and please share anything that you find helps release the trapped feelings. xxxx

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