Not all abuse is violent!

[Relieved]

Hi I’ve been on here a few days and thought I’d introduce myself and tell my story – I hope it might help someone – not all abuse includes violence.

I met my abuser when I was quite young but had had a difficult childhood and was blown away when I met this man who was so into me, I felt so loved to start with and I thought I had found my soulmate. It was a whirlwind romance and he moved in with me very quickly. Then little things happened which I now know were control tactics. He would say he didn’t like it when I talked to old men I knew in the pub, he opened a letter I had written to a male friend and told me to stop contact with him, he told me I didn’t love him enough when I didn’t want sex when I was tired. He urged me to take drugs with him calling me a party pooper when I said no(so I took them but didn’t like it) He took me on the back of a motorbike and drove very dangerously then laughed when I got upset. He was so loving and attentive in between these times that I overlooked them.

We married and had kids. I was overjoyed when I had a family as I had had fertility problems so when my youngest was born I was dumbfounded when he refused to pick me and our new baby up from hospital as he had to go to work! I struggled with my mental health after this and was diagnosed with PND though I now know it was his treatment of me that caused the depression. When my youngest was injured and had to go to hospital, I’d dropped my eldest(E) at a club and asked him to collect E. He forgot(he said), the lady who ran the club had to drop E home then he rang me at the hospital asking when I would be back as he wanted to go out, showing no concern for the injured child. When I got home at 9 at night I had to collect E from a friend’s. She was shocked! But he down played all this saying the kid was ok and he needed to go out to relax.

He started to belittle me, ridicule my efforts to make the house and garden nice, blame me for everything, withhold money, not help with the kids, destroy things I had bought and spend all his time playing computer games and watching Top Gear! He was gaslighting me, telling me things that I knew weren’t true and repeatedly said “I told you last week” when he clearly hadn’t told me something. I started to doubt my sanity and memory. He would clean weapons in front of me and the kids and took great pride in having a knife sharpener that made our kitchen knives super sharp. I thought there must be something wrong with me for the way he was treating me. I felt guilty that I obviously wasn’t a good wife but however hard I tried I could never do anything right. I dreaded him coming home, I’d stay at work as long as I could when I knew he was off.

When my health deteriorated and I needed to eat a special diet, he went out of his way to start cooking before I got home all the food I wasn’t supposed to eat and then get angry if I didn’t eat it. I had friends saying how lovely to have a man who cooks for you! When I was having a problem sleeping, he came to the doctors with me, I was prescribed sleeping pills and the DR said these would knock me out that night so I’d get a good sleep. That night he tried to rape me when he thought I would be unconscious! I tried to put that episode out of my mind, didn’t tell anyone, blamed myself for being inadequate in bed which is why he resorted to what he did. A few more years went by, we went to Relate which I thought had helped at the time – I kept trying to please him, he kept blaming me for everything wrong in our relationship – I was on antidepressants most of the time – I even had a doctor tell me I would probably be on them for the rest of my life! Despite all of this, I kept telling myself I loved him and wanted to stay with him for the rest of our lives together.

I finally had enough when I realised the kids were being seriously affected by what they were witnessing, the atmosphere at home and how he was starting to treat them too. When I asked him for a divorce he said “But You are my wife”, “I don’t want a divorce”, “you are breaking my heart”,”you are the one breaking up our home”. He asked me that we try again to make things better in such a way that I couldn’t say no. I tried – he said “we are not trying at the same time, we need to try at the same time to make it work” so he would do things when I was having a busy time at work expecting me to drop everything because he was “trying”. We even had a holiday without the kids in a beautiful place which would have been wonderful had I not been with him.

My sleep problems returned and when my doctor told me to find a way to sleep separately from my husband(we have a very small house) I said it was impossible as he wouldn’t let me. This rang alarm bells with my GP and he gave me a leaflet about domestic abuse and told me to ring the number. I couldn’t understand it but I rang saying my GP had told me to but I wasn’t sure I was a victim of abuse. I was assigned an outreach worker who I met with regularly and I told her about my marriage and she confirmed that I was being abused. Through her I found the courage to borrow a bunk bed, put it in the kids room, start divorce proceedings and he finally got the message and moved out! It still took me a long time to accept I was a victim – I had counselling which helped enormously and then I did the Recovery Tool Kit course which has been amazing. I still feel I need support as I’m very much on my own – friends don’t understand what I’ve been through, my mother is very old fashioned(the woman’s place is in the home, you marry for life etc) I do feel a bit lost as having lived in a regime for so long I find it hard to motivate myself. I realise that the drive I had was because I was trying to please my ex and I kind of miss that in a weird way. I miss being part of a couple too which sounds odd! I see old people who have been together for their whole lives and are still in love and feel jealous! I guess I’m grieving for the love I thought we had, the life I had wanted, to be happy ever after!

Having met and talked to women who have suffered violent abuse they say the psychological abuse is worse because it messes with your head – it is like being brainwashed! I have to remind myself to be kind to myself and this is not going to disappear overnight. We still have the finances to sort out and the divorce to finalise but I’m getting there and I know he’s still trying to control me from a distance but knowledge is strength.

One other thing, we were encouraged to go to mediation to sort out the divorce(this was before I knew it was abuse) and I now realise this was never going to work – I requested shuttle mediation so we weren’t in the same room on the advice of my outreach worker which helped a bit but I wish I had got a solicitor who specialises in abuse cases – my solicitor is very good but he doesn’t really understand.

I’m sorry this is so long but I felt I had to get all out. I hope it makes someone pick up the phone and get help x

[Malachite]

Thanks so much for posting this, some things remind me of my situation, others things you say sound worse as my boyfriend can be so supportive. It’s all so confusing 🙁
I’m glad you were brave enough to get out. I feel so stuck.

PS. Was the phone number you rang for advice Women’s Aid or something else? Where would you recommend ringing if you’re not sure if it’s abusive enough?

[Relieved]

I rang my local domestic abuse service – look here for yours. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ You can ring the national helpline or talk to your GP. I couldn’t have got out without their help, I also felt stuck but I did it. You can too x

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

welcome to forum, its always good to get your post on here regardign what u have been through, its almost a releif tog et out of your system, will get loads of support here

[lover of no contact]

Hi Relieved,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Getting the abuse experience out by talking and writing about it and sharing it with others helps as it then helps to lose its hold over us and its good to bring it into the light and not bottled up inside us. The memories of the abuse suffered can be triggering and distressing but sharing about them really helped me and they have lost some power to dominate my thoughts and my life. It takes time though. Alot of posting on here and alot of time.

And I could have never have broken free without awareness, awareness that it wasn’t my fault. I too believed if I tried harder then he would be happy with me. I too became the perfect wife, catered to all his demands, I totally submitted to His will. Then it took for his abuse to escalate (as it always will) and I stopped reacting, and then I started to see it was him and not me. That process took decades.

I too had no physical abuse except at the very end a push on the stairs and in the garden. He was clever because maybe if he had been physically violent I could have recognised that as a red flag. But then again maybe I wouldn’t have had because I might have thought I had driven him to it.

[Serenity]

My goodness, Relieved. So much of what your ex did, my ex did too. They sound so very alike! It was spooky reading your post.

The whirlwind affair and pressure to commit early, the apparent soulmate act, the ridiculing me for wanting to make a safe and comfortable home, the thrill he got from scaring me and putting me in dangerous situations..

You’re right, knowledge is power. And we are all stronger than we know. We can move through and beyond the pain. Keep on reminding yourself what he’s capable of throughout this separation process, fight for what’s yours and make your own protection your priority.

Psychological abuse is devastating, but I do believe that all the women here are amazingly strong and intelligent. We can overcome. x*x

[Relieved]

Thanks guys, it means a lot to have your support and understanding. I went out with a friend last night and I’d tried to explain to her about the abuse but she was dismissive and said she would never have fallen for that! I’m thinking the way she spoke to me was a bit like him! I’m trying to pull myself together here and I don’t need friends like her in my life.

[Malachite]

I wouldn’t use the phrase “fallen for”, but I think everyone can be manipulated into staying with these kinds of abusers. They make you feel like you can’t leave. I mean I’m the first to admit I probably am more wimpy than anyone I’ve ever met, but even the strongest of people would struggle.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Relieved,

Thanks for sharing your story, it was like reading one of the domestic abuse articles the way you describe him sharpening knives in the kitchen, how absolutely awful! My abusive ex was also mainly non-physical although I think he was building up to it with threats and putting his hands around my neck in bed then denying he’d done it. He also gaslighted right from the first date and he continued it throughout the whole relationship. He was initially very keen on me and charming and gradually became very mocking, teasing, jeering and belittling. He extremely tight and misogynistic. (detail removed by Moderator)

It’s great that your GP recognised the non-violent signs, it shows the training is getting through to the people who are there to help us, albeit sporadically. I’m so glad you are out. I can relate about your friend too, someone said that when we get out of these relationships we review everything with a new light and I think this probably means we notice how some old friendships are unhealthy and have to go. Then we have room in our life to make it how we want and surround ourselves with kind, supportive and healthy people for a change. 🙂

[Relieved]

It seems to me that the stronger we are in ourselves the worse the psychological abuse is, I suppose it’s their way of breaking us down so we become the doormats they want us to be.

When I was with him, my friends rallied round telling me I needed to end the relationship but now I have they are noticeably absent and the ones I do see occasionally are not helpful to me. I think I need to find some new friends!

[Author]

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