26th April 2020 at 9:30 pm #101857starry skyParticipant
I was abused by my brother, emotionally and physically. My brother died (detail removed by moderator) ago. I feel so much shame and guilt. My mum, dad, me and my brothers girlfriend all suffered from the abuse. My brother had a lot of friends, and was friendly with other family members. My brother was the kindest, most helpful, lovely person to these people. All they say is we never saw that side of him, and so many people saying what a lovely person he was.I cut all contact with my brother (detail removed by moderator) before he died. I went through the motions of holding a funeral, lots of family and friends came. A (detail removed by moderator) ago, I saw an old friend of his on the train, who gave me the filthiest look and didn’t speak. I tried to tell my aunt about the abuse, but i dont think she believes me, as she keeps telling me shes sad and misses him. I just feel shame
27th April 2020 at 6:35 am #101867KIP.Participant
The shame and guilt is not yours to carry and you don’t need validation from anyone to know the truth. Have you had counselling? It would be worth talking to a therapist to sort through your emotions. Abusers have two faces. The abusive one they show in secret and do everything they can to hide it. Including bad mouthing their victims to discredit them so that when the truth comes out, the victim is already discredited. And the outwardly charming, can’t do enough for people one. Whatever face these strangers saw was not the face that you saw. Also with his passing it’s human nature not to want to think ‘Ill of the dead’. You need to share your experience with professional and people who will validate your feelings. I know how you feel and how frustrating it must be for you but it sounds like you have allies in that your mum dad and his girlfriend know the truth too.
27th April 2020 at 6:39 am #101868BraelynnParticipant
Oh my do I know how you feel…..My father was the very same. Horrifically abusive to me and my stepmother. I was the only one who finally stood up to him at (detail removed by moderator). I was treated like dirt by all my family and so-called friends but I called everyone out on it and cut them off from me. Never regretted it. But they all held hands in the abuse in one way or another. My grandfather had power in that small town and money. My father was an entitled monster. So was my grandfather actually. When I did speak up, I was told that “I” brought shame upon the family name! LOL! Imagine my response. Yes, I laughed. And I told them what I thought very quickly. No, no, it was He who brought shame and he can wear it and so can all you guys who knew and did nothing to help me and now that you know you accuse me??
It’s a gang mentality Starry, it really is. A family can be a gang and they love to find a scapegoat to pin everything on. Interestingly enough, they usually pick the one with the most empathy and the one with alot of light and liveliness. Most often it’s a generational thing that has been going on for a long time. Now that I am much older I really see into the lives of alot of those people who weren’t my family but the same things were going on with them as well, maybe not as bad but was happening. Of course they would all go to church, sing a few songs and confess their sins and all was well. I was expected to play along but I didn’t. So surreal.
My father could charm the eyes right out of a snake. Very charming, handsome, intelligent, funny, life of the party and yet behind closed doors he was one of the most dark and wicked people I have ever known, read about or seen movies about. These personalities live for the art of conning, manipulating, lying and hurting other people. I think overall people do know they are being conned but sometimes it’s like being around someone who scares you but you don’t know why, you just know you want to please them.
My stepmother, at my father’s funeral went around telling everyone how he was the love of her life… That’s a real hoot since he was extremely abusive to her. Yes, she has Stockholm Syndrome, no doubt about that one. But, she got alot of money after he died for putting up with him so there you go. The way I look at it is – It’s an Insult for some people to approve of me. Say that one to yourself a few times.
I think the side you see of him instead of his fake side – is of course the real him. He can’t be both and he seriously can’t truly be kind and it be real if he is abusing others. So one is true and the other is not. But they do this thing of crazymaking so you don’t know up from down. You should look up gaslighting. You might not only see him in that whole scenario but others as well, the ones who treat you badly.
I remember people telling me I shouldn’t speak about what he did to me so freely and I’d just say, well, that’s not for you to say really. I’ll do what I want and I think we need to talk about things like this because I have nothing to be ashamed of or guilty for. He does however and everyone else that knew and did nothing to help, so no, I’m not going to brush it under the rug at all. I don’t think it a topic for casual conversation but I did so enjoy making them squirm for a change.
There is nothing wrong with you, nothing for You to feel shameful about at all because the abuse was done To you by someone else and worse yet, by a trusted family member. Have you had any help with any of this? Talked to someone who specializes in this kind of abuse? I’m so glad you came here and felt safe enough to say something. I truly understand more than you know. I was “you”. I decided I couldn’t help who I was born to but I could pick my own real family. Some of the strongest, most beautiful people I know and know of happen to have been abuse survivors. We always pick up on each other immediately when meeting. There’s just such an inner light that you can’t miss. Realize I said “light” not guilt or shame. They learned how not to wear that and leave it where it belongs – on their perpetrator(s).
I hope you continue to talk here. It’s important. I talked for years and years! I had to. I had to get it Out of me! Had to slap it up on the wall and get off the merry-go-round in my head. Once on the wall, then I could examine it for what it truly is. One thing I will leave you with is – when we are young and something bad happens to us we immediately say – what did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I must be bad then. We do that because our brain is not developed enough yet to really understand in a logical reasoning way what just happened. That development doesn’t really come about until you are in your 20’s. So all a child knows how to do is blame themselves and feel the guilt and shame the abuser should wear. And once that lie goes in, it’s hard to get it out because we’ve believed it so long. But it has to come out. It really does. It’s poisonous to you and it’s a lie. That’s one reason why you feel so awful inside because it’s not true and your being wants to vomit it up, pull it out by the roots. In order to do that however, you have to “disbelieve” it and replace it with the truth.
If other people want to continue in the webwork of lies, then that’s their choice. You don’t have to hold hands with them in their deceit and misery. And you certainly don’t have to take any abuse from any of them either. The guy who snubbed you? With people like that I say “thank you So much for letting me know who you are!” Consider yourself warmly hugged and welcomed here!!
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