Not believing today

[Headcook]

It’s been a week of calm which unsettles me also

I’ve kept quiet not spoken out even though there plenty that could have been said
Partner been ok too even though I think I am living a lie with her
Still quiet secret calls going on
I’m screaming inside living like this
I’m scared of the stage I am at
Disappointment property I viewed was withdrawn scared I’m not going to find anywhere
No mention if they found anywhere
It all feels hopeless and there no communication as usual
It’s like this isn’t actually happening
Time is running out
I can’t tolerate the niceness as the damage for me is done
Can’t just forget those years never happened

I’m lost

Hc

[Hazydayz]

Hello again Headcook. Maybe? Your not lost, your found. Now, Seeing, not hiding from your true self and YOUR needs. After a lifetime, It’s scary isn’t it, when we peel the wrapping of our lives back. It’s going to be o.k in time💞

[Headcook]

Thank you
What you say makes sense
I am on new ground and not recognising myself or were I’m currently at emotional wise
As all is calm I’m doubting myself and when viewing failed I instantly saw this as I’m not meant to leave I am the one responsible and this is all that I deserve
Maybe them being nice is them realising finally and the message has got to him be kind to your mum and we are all going to carry on living here together ( not what I want ) but because he’s now realised that I will become convinced eventually
I don’t get there secrecy over if they have found some where I will not be asking
And did not tell them I had viewed a place even though that felt very wrong
We took this place on together as equals but it has been far from equal when I think
Old fashioned maybe but this should end equal

But then the end isn’t normal

Hc

[Headcook]

Spoke to soon
All kicked off again threats to kill
Been out wandering streets
They have a place
Don’t help out with childcare was how this started when I had not said no
She been evasive all day
Why do I feel this was a set up tonite
So he could spew out there place and a plan b for childcare

Think I was led here

Hc

[KIP.]

Even though it’s his decision to leave he’s losing control over you and this is a dangerous time for you as he sees his grip over you going. Just like the violence at the end of a relationship. I’d ring the police.

[Headcook]

Think I was plan b which is fine it was being said like a punishment to me
That and there be more running around for him
Don’t no what I feel
Other than set up
I just no I’m right on this

Felt I was allowed to voice I would find a whole week childcare hard and shielding so should not be doing this
At no point said no
Totally unheard
All about there needs

Hate being this aware of all this and still being here with him

Hc

[Headcook]

They laughing and all happy
She is now a different person from today

He’s done her dirty work for her why would she not be happy

Hc

[Headcook]

Being ignored

My heart is broken

Feel so alone

[Headcook]

Have always thought I was a good person
Only one person has ever treated me right my long term friend

With her this never happens

I’m not a good person and will never be happy
This is because one person treating you right out of so many must mean all the others are right in there treatment of me

This is what I deserve

[Headcook]

This isn’t abuse

He’s not doing this to stop me leaving

He’s the one leaving

[Hazydayz]

Oh bless you Headcook, you have reached a very very low point in your life haven’t you. I’m sending this warm hug🤗 to you because it feels to me as if you need someone to hug you? Someone to show you your cared about and for you to feel valued. Even by total strangers! We all need to feel loved by those closest to us don’t we, that’s natural and when it feels toxic, we blame ourselves maybe. Have you lost self worth through all that you have endured? That’s understandable too. Just hold onto this…you are a good person! you have done so much for all who have hurt you and that’s what hurts when the balance is out. Take very good care of you x

[Headcook]

H D

I am crying reading your reply
No one has hugged me in ages that actually feels genuine and sincere

He is the cause of me being where I am and I can’t see a way out

I’m discarded
Can’t fight back
Can’t make him see my pain
All I do is wrong
Not allowed to have a voice that goes against what they need
That’s not living
I’m trying to get out and now they have beaten me to it

They have all the control always have done since we moved in here

I’m being mistreated by many living here
He is violent partner is controlling

Please help me

[Hazydayz]

💕 Dear HC. I am trying to help you and hope that I can? I’m guessing that you need to leave because you need so desperately to forget everything and everyone there that has and is hurting you. Is this anything like you feel? I know you have been in this a long time and it has drained you undoubtedly. What I really hope for you is that you can find a little more strength because you really have to, to rescue you and find the escape route to the future happiness you need and you deserve. Don’t give up! Believe in you! And your future starts from there! Just stay focused o.k. lots of love to you💕

[Headcook]

H D

That’s exactly how I feel
Not what I want though
I want this to stop and him be a loving son
But this isn’t going to happen and that’s the hard bit
Even still I doubt abuse
Even though I no it’s wrong

Thank you
Sorry didn’t mean to place pressure for you to help me
I’m so sorry

Hc

[Hazydayz]

💐 for you x

[Headcook]

H D

Thank you

[Headcook]

Hopes I can accept his apology and believe it
He thought I did not want to do childcare so he got mad and he can imagine that is not the case now
Wanted a rise out of me for way he said they leaving
He loves me and all will be ok he can promise me that

Then pressure to respond as I didn’t ?

Want to so believe him I cried and cried Reading
Been here before

It all felt clinical his words
And lot of focus on me not him

[KIP.]

He needs you for childcare so now you are complying you get the good treatment but it won’t last. You know how this cycle works.

[Headcook]

Kip

Thought the same

He won’t like all the running around that will be involved By using others outside the house
It won’t suit him to be doing it even though it’s his own child

Keeps sending pretending to care messages

Not falling for it
Doomed if I do doomed if I don’t rely

Hc

[Headcook]

All in
House toxic
He’s gone for me again
Holed up in my room
Get used to them not speaking from now till they leave

So much for sorry

[Author]

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