Not coping anymore

[solivagant]

So I’m currently pregnant with my 1st baby and I’ve tried so hard to enjoy it and make the most of it but the last couple of months have been so hard!! The ex (baby daddy) is verbally and emotionally abusive anx caused me so much stress in early pregnancy it effect baby. When he told him he said I was spoilt and and selfish, ect… but once I said I don’t want contact he became overly nice which is scaring me more because I can’t prove what he is really like! Despite that I’ve said no contact he keeps texting overly nice and formal messages that he’s taking me to court over baby when it’s born. I’ve been to the police about the constant messages and they’ve said there’s nothing that can be done because there all about the baby and reasonably okay. I took a Claires law out against him and I’m absolutely petrified of letting him anywhere near baby! (I get its technically the past but he hasn’t exactly changed his behaviour) I’m waiting on a case worker from women’s aid but I’ve had to call up a couple times to discuss best thing to do now. I went to GP about how upset and scared I am and they told me he’d be alright once baby was born and to think about the money. I’ve tried to talk to solicitors to get legal advice to know where I stand when baby is born but they either won’t do anything until its born or aren’t taking on new cases. I just feel really rubbish that there’s nothing I can do to protect her from this vile man. I’m scared that I can even protect me now how can I protect her when she’s born. I just feel really alone. I used to speak to my uncle about it but he died the other day and the rest of family won’t let me attend the funeral. Feel like I’m on the edge of a meltdown but trying so hard to be strong

[Sleepy]

You are going through a really tough time solivagant, my heart goes out to you. Must be so hard with your uncle just dying too. I have no experience of pregnancy, hopefully someone will add that does. Can’t believe the reaction you got from GP! I don’t know for certain how much help you can get but could you talk to a midwife about it who whoevers doing prenatal checks? At least to get them to not let him into maternity ward when you have baby. Hope you can find a way through this. Have you got a friend you can talk to?

[solivagant]

I’ve made my widwife aware and she says she’s made a note that he’s not to be near me when babys born. Non of my friends understand what its like as they are all single and don’t have children so I as much as they may wish to help, they really dont

[Sleepy]

That’s a real shame, i don’t have children but I’d hope I would be understanding and empathetic if one of my friends were in your position. Glad the midwife has made a note of that. Maybe there’s some groups the she could suggest that’ll put you in touch with other pregnant mums.

I hope someone will add to this who has been through your experience.

[Sleepy]

Came back on and added to this because I felt I may have sounded a bit defensive in that last post about being a friend, sorry if I did.

[solivagant]

No problem, you came over just fine 😊👍

[Tickleribber]

I think it’s shocking that the doctor wasn’t more supportive!
This was my situation a very long time ago, and at that time my doctor wrote me a letter supporting my application for a non molestation order, and I got one very easily because of that letter.
The health professionals main concern should be supporting you through the pregnancy so you’re well and the baby is as healthy as possible.
It’s so frustrating when you’re knocking on doors trying to get help and it’s not forthcoming, hopefully soon the support worker will get back to you and recommend someone who can give you the right legal advice, so just keep trying.
The Police are Really only concerned with breaches of the law, I hope you can access support to help with the stress this situation is causing you, thinking of you and wishing you well.

[solivagant]

Thank you,
Still waiting and hunting for support. Hopefully will find something soon

[Lisa]

Hi Solivagant,

Well done for reaching out for support. I am sorry to hear of the response from the GP- it was not helpful or supportive when you are trying to protect your baby from your ex. I am glad you have spoken to your midwife and they have noted about the abuse. Have you heard from WA about a caseworker yet?

Keep posting when you can, there is a lot of support here for you from others who understand how you are feeling and what you are going through.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[solivagant]

As of yet still nothing… I need to try and call up WA again. He is apparently coming to my house tomorrow when no family are in. I’m not really sure what to do and am quite scared as he’s started being overly nice to my friends and making me out to be the bad guy!! (We have NO mutual friends)
Because most of the abuse is verbal and emotional its very hard to prove but because he wants his way he is staying overly nice until he gets it… then its going to be awful again after! Especially when he finds out I checked Claire law and am try to get support. Thats going to end really badly.

Its so frustrating that I can’t do anything to protect us until after he’s done something recently! Part of me wishes I’d just put up with the abuse so I could protect baby when she’s born instead of leaving him and protecting us now 😔

[Wants To Help]

There is one option available to you and that is to report him for harassment if he doesn’t stop contacting you. Harassment is a course of conduct on two or more occasions that cause harassment, alarm or distress. Your evidence to the Police would be that as a result of the Clare’s Law disclosure you have decided to end the relationship before the birth of the baby and no longer want any contact from him at all due to fear of violence but he still keeps contacting you.

Send your ex one final message/email, informing him that the relationship is over and that you do not want to hear from him again in any way, and if you do, then you will report him for harassment as his contact is causing you alarm and distress. If he bombards you with text, emails or turns up after you have sent the message on two or more occasions then the evidence is there and the Police will take action.

He cannot use the fact that you are expecting his baby as a reason to keep contacting you. The Police Officer you spoke to has given you incorrect information. He will need to seek legal advice once the baby is born if he wants contact, but it you don’t put him on the birth certificate he will have no PR and this will make contact with the baby harder – I know you know that already.

I really feel for you that you have done everything by the book and are doing everything you can to live free of abuse from this man and protect your baby from potential future violence incidents and no one seems to be supporting you.

You could also contact Children’s Services to ask for their help to protect unborn baby and explain your reasons why. They will happily support you, and getting them on board may also help with the harassment case. They will do a risk assessment and start a Child Protection Plan based on your concerns of his behaviour to you and your Clare’s Law disclosure. You won’t be able to tell CS the content of the Clare’s Law disclosure, but they can apply to the Police under a different Data Protection Act section to obtain information regarding concerns for the safeguarding of an unborn baby.

Don’t give up now you’ve come this far, I can see how much you want to do this the right way and be free of this man. You DO NOT have to give in to him and succumb to his ‘niceness’ until he gets you back under his control.

[solivagant]

Thank you this is really helpful!! I will look into everything you have said!
The police officer seemed dead sure that it wasn’t harassment, so if you don’t mind me asking is it from personal experience that you know that to be incorrect or something else? (Sorry I’m not accusing you of lying, it so I know where to look myself. Please don’t take that the wrong way)
Would child services do anything as there is currently no baby to protect currently? And how would I go about getting touch with them? Would it have to be through a GP or midwife?

Thanks 😊

[Wants To Help]

No offence taken at all. Advice on its way…

[solivagant]

Thank you 😁

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