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Just recieved an email from my mother projecting all her horrible behaviour on to me. Telling me that’s how I’ve treated her. It’s unbelievable. Her flying monkey husband and her are feeding off each other right now. How has it taken me this long to realise what a hateful creature she is? What is wrong with me that my own mother at this stage in our lives wants to be doing this. Honestly the email was like something out of a textbook on n**********c projection. I’m not coping. I need to go to nightshift and I’m struggling to get up. Just feel sick. Sick to the core and I don’t know what, if anything to do about it. Whatever I do or say she pretends I’ve done the opposite, even when the evidence is right there that I haven’t. Can a person actually be as dillusional as that? How messed up is she really. She slandered me to my family, she’s martyred herself and claiming as always, major health concerns….she’s had herself hospitalised before and watching her conduct her orchestra around that was deeply uncomfortable to watch. There was nothing wrong with her in the end. Nothing accept side effects from a ridiculous diet she had put herself on!?!?
I just don’t know how to handle this latest email…telling ME I’m harassing HER and that she has had to block MY number. She had to email me to tell me because if she hadn’t I wouldn’t have known as I don’t text her generally and I never call her. It’s just sooooo unfair!!!!!!! What do I do? X -
Hi. I recognise your situation. I myself think that ‘what to do?’ depends upon whether you think your mother can change. I say this because I spent decades trying to get my own mother to recognise that my point of view was as valid as hers. She never would. She was always in the middle of everything, and if she wasn’t she was pulling her face, or using silence and withdrawing affection, or going on the attack. There was no being at ease around her. So if you think your mother will change, keep trying, if you feel its worthwhile. Otherwise you could think about a technique like ‘grey rock’ for managing communication. Unless you take things further, as advised by your WA worker, I’m not sure what you can do to control what your children’s father does on ‘his time’ with your children. He obviously doesn’t respect his child’s feelings. If the situation is distressing for your child you might have to make a choice with unpredictable consequences. My child went ‘grey rock’ with her grandma, (she doesn’t know about ‘grey rock’, she just took that approach) and her grandma has withdrawn her affections and attentions. You are obviously trying to communicate in an assertive way, but abusive behaviour is all about the refusal to recognise a person’s right to self-determination. It seems that this is what is happening to you. She’s got you wound up like a top. As my own mother once said to me “I can knock you off your perch anytime I like”, which just about says it all. xx
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All you can do is go Grey Rock ( look it up on Internet).
When I did the Freedom course, we were told how we need to choose how far at a distance to keep the individuals in our life. We can set those who hurt us at a greater distance.
My sister asked her counsellor how to handle our mother. Apparently her counsellor said that she doesn’t have to put up with it. Now, this sounds impossible, but I think the counsellor was trying to get her to see herself not as a powerless victim but someone who could make very definite choices.
I know it’s very painful and very hard since your ex and your mother have formed an ‘allegiance’ : I would protect yourself by giving them both as little information about your life as possible. They use information as ammunition.
I know it’s hard to imagine cutting off your mother. When I had counselling, my counsellor did a practical exercise with me. She asked me to choose some pebbles to represent myself, my children, my ex and my family members. She took the pebbles representing my children away, and asked how I felt. I said it was unbearable. She put them back. She then took away the pebbles representing my ex and my family members, individually, and asked how I felt. I didn’t feel the same unbearable feeling as I had with the kids’ pebbles: with my ex, I felt utter relief, and with my family of origin, I felt some anxiety, but still a sense that so would survive. I didn’t feel my core self being threatened.
We have been caught up in complicated relationships for years in our family of origin, but we can survive without them in our immediate lives. The most important thing is that we protect ourself and our children.
I am private messaging you a link of a useful article, to help you see that you aren’t alone in your situation, nor are you to blame.
I would call the NSPCC helpline for some advice, too.
Visualise the protective bubble around you xxxx
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Ladies thank you.
I think probably no contact is the way to go. She’s pretending there’s a situation where I am stopping her seeing her grannchildren that simply doesn’t exist. She said she won’t arrange to see them as she can’t put up with my “diatribe”. I’m assuming she’s referring to my asking to respect boundaries message with a reflection on how hers and my memories of my childhood differ, and while I have no ill feeling towards her I have learned I can’t keep repeating these patterns of behaviour by allowing it to continue on any form.
My things im still a bit confused over are:
Do I address the lies in her email and speak the truth, knowing she will turn it around to me as always.
Do I allow her open access to manipulate my children through their phones or do I block her from their phones?
Do I have a right to do this to my children to avoid further pain for myself and probably them without them realising she is doing it?
I think no contact for me will have to be the only choice I have x -
Forget her bad mouth. Its all rubbish what comes out of her mouth. She actually doesn’t believe it either she just knows it will upset you. And with you upset and finding it hard to go to work, etc, she feels Powerful. She has got a high from your emotions.
As regards the emails treat it as you would the abuser ex, from now on know not to read her emails, if you need to know the content get third party to read it and relay information to you.
I would definitely not reply to her email. Its a waste of your energy and time (that you need for work and your children). She knows what she’s spouting is ridiculous and not true. She just wants you to engage with her.
‘Silence is the ultimate weapon of Power’. Do not prolong the drama (she thrives on it) by replying to the email. Hard to do but so worth it for your peace of mind.
I have to allow my mother to interact with my children and I don’t actively obstruct the allegiance between my ex and my mother where my children attend. I pretend it doesn’t affect me. I give no reaction (but rant elsewhere to get it out of my system). I have noticed by me not giving a reaction the rendezvous’ between my ex and my abuser-mum with my children attending are not as often as I feared. The ex and the mum are now reacting their brains to come up with something else to push my buttons I’m sure.
You can go strict No Contact with your mum as I have done or have minimum contact, or Grey Rock method contact (when you’re in contact). You have lots of choices.
I leave my children to have their own choices of how long they want to be around my mum (she is generous and lovely to them all the time) and I just don’t initiate any contact with her but if I unavoidably see her at a family occasion, I respond respectfully but minimally. I suppose that’s Grey Rock Method. I have to do this because if I don’t I come away from her feeling as if I’ve been run over by a bus and I can’t afford to allow myself to feel that way ever again.
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Hi ENF phew what a dilemma…Although from the outside…Seems like you have her ‘measure’ orchestrating the crowd…My motto is No audience No performance needed!
Basically if no one is listening she has no reason to spout off!Ignore her delete the emails..As you say she’s. Dumping all her rubbish hangups etc onto you..It’s not about you, your innocent. Give it right back by Grey Rock. You have to show her your not absorbing her moods. She obviously needs therapy.
I remember my ex being like that…His problems suddenly became ours or mine…I was astounded that he could flip it over.Be clear your ok, she’s not.
She will have to deal with her own life as an adult…Not you.Hugs Cx
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That’s a great way of putting it, Cuppa: his problems become ours, become mine.
That’s so right. They inflict the abuse, pull us in, then blame us for getting upset. In their head, he should have just been a silent sitting duck, quietly accepting the pellets and then giving them a comforting hug when they are over their outburst. The fact we dared to react like a human being, not a programmed or remote control robot, makes the whole thing out fault. We should have just behaved and ‘kept quiet’ ( my ex said he wished I was ‘non-verbal’- very kind, since he knew I struggled with a stammer, which worsened due to being with him and has amazingly virtually gone since he has; how horrible to actually wish your partner disabled so that you don’t have to put up with the hassle of them being a fully functioning human being with their own viewpoint- proof they don’t want a ‘real person’ just a robot).
ENF: I find that the Grey Rock thing does in fact work. If you repeatedly refuse to stop giving them an audience, they go elsewhere, because they can’t live without an audience. And if you aren’t playing, you’re no use to them.
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Yes Serenity & Ladies to pick up again on that point..’their problems’ it’s true isn’t it…I used to think..In my clear thinking moment’s… Actually let me look at this situ…. Fine tune, whose problem actually is this? I realized after a while…That A. There was no probs, just orchestrated MAJOR drama…B. it was his pathetic ongoing life whinge C. Turned into our problem=the Royal WE (err how did that happen??) Followed by C. Major anger outbursts/eggshells/trauma +++
Lastly and most important part of the abuser plan…D.= NO solution ever +denial (as now your involved …Goal posts have changed)
Back to A….This plays out to varying degrees of involvement..depending the ‘others’ input or refusal to cow tow etc..If challenged can result ultimately in voilence, then it’s our fault..Verbal & or physical.All obviously for the crazy/manipulative/pyscho benefit of the abuser..whoever that may be.
What a mind bender..
Cx
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Thank you cuppa. I appreciate that and serenity for the link. I just need to realign my head again somehow. I need to stop focusing on me being the common factor. It’s not helping. I tried very hard to be non blaming and pragmatic but I’ve been sucked into another drama I didn’t want whilst being told I did and I created it. X
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