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    • #147642
      Mellow
      Participant

      I’m still coming to terms with the fact I was abused I’ve researched a lot about n********m I know the forum specifies them as abusers but almost everything I’ve read points to him being n********t.i just wish I knew what this was until now or knew I was even abused I’m ploughing through but I just feel so let down I thought I had a good life and was planning on getting married had kids been with this man over a decade.I’ve realised that he was having long distant relationships to make it less noticeable to me I just feel used for him to stay in country and have children and he has got everything he wanted he’s got his kids and rights to stay and work im left with nothing he made me quit my job for his sake more than mine and I really regret it.i was better financially and I actually liked it even though I complained about it things for better and when he kept bringing it up it didn’t feel right quitting but I did I’ve looked for another job but nothing has come up and I’ve been looking for a while now cause now I’m a single parent and childcare is extortion and I’ve got a lot of kids more than 2.I can’t meet anyone because when I think of explaining my past it’s like all I’ve done is be abused and now I’ve got two exes abusing me one which has been stalking me for (detail removed by Moderator) years via social media I can’t escape I feel trapped.i feel like I’m a good person so why have I been dealt with all this it’s not even like I go for good looking men they are all ugly so I still can’t see how I ended up with them and my standards so low (detail removed by Moderator) how did I get to this

    • #147679
      Chocolatebunnie
      Participant

      Hiya Mellow

      How you feeling today?

      I’m sure all of us here will understand and are or have been through this. I relate to you posts as it’s so similar to my situation. I had what I thought was a nice life too, but when you start to question things it all starts to unravel itself doesn’t it.

      Reading this I’m feeling how you are low and doubting things ever improving. Things will get better this is the hardest part ‘staying strong’ and you are! You are out of this!

      Now is time to look after you, your family. They say it takes two years to grieve, to heal so stay single, be you, grieve heal and enjoy finding yourself again. As for finding anyone else and worrying about your past, it won’t be a problem for a good man, but do the healing first, and once you’re feeling stronger in yourself it won’t matter to you, day by day it will matter less. Once you’re stronger in yourself you will realise you choose your partner, they need to be good enough not the other way around, that’s my mistake and to be honest I don’t have the physical, mental or emotional time for anyone my kids are enough for me and making a new life.

      Can you find work from home as childcare is pricey or maybe take some time out to find so you can find something that fits, or go study or train something new? It’s hard also finding a balance especially going through what you are right now, try CAB maybe. Do you have a support worker?

      It’s not easy and I’m pretty much where you are and each day brings different thoughts and some days more challenging and other days are good. Today I’m full of regret and I know it’s my heart talking and my heart is fighting with my sensible head and it’s really challenging today, yesterday was good. I’m missing his affection I’m trauma bonded and I know that hug from him will help right now, all the nice things, but I’d be back to where I was before nothing will ever change unless you take those steps and keep walking.

      Mellow you’ve got this keep walking, even if you can only manage one step forward and it might be a baby step forward but you deserve this new life and what it has to offer you.

      Big hug love CB 💕

    • #147681
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Melliow.

      There are lots of ups and downs after leaving and it can be really hard. It takes time to really start to feel the benefits of leaving but that time will come. It takes work and a steady change of mind-set. You have to give yourself time to get back on your feet.

      I wasted around 3 decades in my abusive relationship. I’m over 50 now. But if I’m lucky, I have a whole lifetime ahead of me yet. And if I’m not lucky, well at least I die free and happy and not with him. I have two wonderful children from my marriage so it wasn’t a complete waste of my life and I’ve learnt so much.

      I’ve been out some years now. When I left I reckoned it would take me 5 years to get myself settled. I’m not sure that I’ll be financially secure by the time 5 years is up but I am working and even considering a career change.

      But the best bit is me. I’m a completely different person these days. Free to grow into myself. My boys tell me that I’m more relaxed than they’ve ever known me. I’m very laid back now. I’m confident with the person I sm becoming because I’m not trying to be someone else to keep a man happy.

      At the moment, my life revolves around me and my baby cat. My adult sons visit often and we have a lovely time in eachothers company as we can just relax and be ourselves – no judgement.

      I’m not interested in a relationship at the moment. I’m not sure if I ever will be. I enjoy chatting with work colleagues and at some point I’ll start joining local groups (walking etc) so that I can make new friends. I feel safest with women of my own age.

      It takes time to find your feet but you will get there.

      If you are looking for work maybe start with a supply agency to find work as a Teaching Assistant. If you work as a supply TA you’ll have school holidays free and the flexibility to take time off if your children are sick.

      Focus on you and your future now. If you look back, then do so in a curative way perhaps with a counsellor. You can’t change the past but you can shape your future. The future is yours now. You can make it what you want. xx

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