Not doing as well as everyone thinks

[Fulmar]

Things have been going okay, lots of change and new things and moving on. And on the outside I’m okay and everyone seems to think I am, or should be, better now. But then these crushing feelings of worthlessness and uselessness and unworthiness keep crowding in on me and I’m driving home from work with the radio on full blast to drown out my thoughts because my head is not a nice place to be. And I wish I was as better as everyone seems to think I am. I know I need to get help because there are regularly days when I have very dark thoughts and I know I’m capable of hurting myself. I’m so anxious about asking for help though. I guess I just feel like “what’s the actual point?” I plucked up the courage, twice, to ask for help a little while ago and it came to nothing. So I’m scared to ask again because I’ll be disappointed again. It’s so hard to trust anyone. And part of me feels like I don’t deserve any help anyway. I just want to hide away from the world and not have to face it. Everything feels very overwhelming and I just feel exhausted by it, by the sheer crushing feeling that I don’t deserve any of it, that I am as worthless as he made me believe. I know he’s gone but it still feels like I have this dark, terrifying spectre of him pressing in at the edge of my life.

Maybe this is all self pity and attention seeking but I needed to tell someone and I know you ladies will understand. Thank you for being here xx

[Cecile]

Dear Fulmar! I feel for you, so brave, yet finding time to post this.You are a hero.
At the moment I am reading the book by Shannon Thomas ‘Healing from hidden abuse’ recommended by others on the forums- it is excellent. She describes what you are feeling. I have, and am, feeling this also. I have had the good fortune to access a very understanding GP who has treated me with medication- I did protest initially but I have found it actually works so I am more like ‘me’, and thinking clearly. My feelings are not muffled, they are clear and I am mot feeling out of control. The crushing despair and endless bleak spiritual and emotional greyness is what these n*********s do to us. It is symptomatic of the problem. I have ended up, nearly dead, physically injured and mentally damaged, and now I am feeling that I have a future. That I am stepping up towards a lighter world.After decades of abuse and manipulation I am stretching and gradually escaping.
I have had a ‘little’ help from my doctor and one other professional. They consider it ‘little’ but the quality of their help has been immeasurable. Just some one to bear witness and listen to me. Please, I am not unique, you must be able to find this also within the health service.
Research shows that these men choose women who are ‘nice’ -i.e calm, empathic, even tempered. emotionally resilient, and they drain us dry. You are still that calm person, you just need a ‘little’ help. Keep posting, xx

[Lisa]

Hi Fulmar

Just wanted to show you some support, i am sorry you have been disappointed when you have reached out for help before, its natural that this would make you wary to do this again.

Some places you could contact for support if you felt up to it would be your GP, the local domestic abuse service, the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, The Freedom Programme.

You can also always call the Samaritans anytime on 116123

You are more than deserving for all the support that is available.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Whosthatgirl]

Agree with all that’s been said above but just wanted to add that you are not attention seeking. That’s an old belief that he planted along with damaging your self worth. Reach out for the help you need and in the short term the Samaritans really are amazing x*x

[Escapee]

Hi Fulmar,

It is really brave of you to say that you’re not ok; and it is so allowed to not be ok. We put on this ‘face’ so we don’t bother anyone but you know what, you deserve to ask for help and you deserve to receive that help.

Many therapists will know a way of accessing funding to make therapy affordable – ask at your GP about accessing help through the NHS or if they are able to recommend someone. Mind may be able to help, WA and Rape Crisis too.

If you have someone close to you who you feel you can trust, let them know that you’re not really as ok as you’re making out – they may really want to be there for you.

Ours is a long road to recovery and we’re going to slip back sometimes to that awful dark place – be kind to yourself, lots of self care and posting on here where you know for definite that we get you and are here for you.

Sending you love and hugs xxxx

[Author]

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