20th November 2019 at 7:42 pm #91940
Hi I have just plucked up the courage to visit having joined weeks ago….
So I spent (detail removed by moderator) on and off in an abusive relationship, ended up going from liar/cheater to liar and cheater. I then met my ‘recent’ (detail removed) ex. I am a shadow of my former self! My confidence rock bottom and anxiety is ridiculous.
In short…Planned a baby, he then left for a girl he promised me he couldn’t have been cheating on me with ‘because we were trying for a baby’…I was (detail removed by moderator) and he had been to 3 scans already dealt with emergency appointments like the doting dad etc. He never physically hit me but did throw things and scream, shout, gaslight and goad me when I’d try walk away etc. He’d say he could understand why my ex pushed me out of a car and how I deserved it etc. It was always my fault. Everything was twisted. There was no reasoning with him ever. He is a total n********t. He has even told people he knew nothing of my plans to have a baby, (even to people who knew we were planning!) and also has suggested the baby isn’t his.i went to counselling because I became convinced I needed to change and fix me as I was the one causing all these issues and arguments in the relationship. I even get to the point where I question what went on and if it was abusive as I can’t believe my amazingly charming ideal boyfriend(ex initially) could be that person so it must have been me and all my fault… I must have caused the arguments over silly things like he said etc?
I have had a difficult time with little one as hasn’t been the easiest child (love child to bits and beyond). Aside from the anxiety of ex coming back at some point to be a part of child’s life (I think safe whilst with this girl probably as maintenance was collect and pay as he doesn’t have to deal with it then) but my life is just a living hell despite the joy my child brings. I am so intolerant of my family, angry at the world, can’t work out if I’m right or wrong and my standard response is “sorry I’m so useless” and sorry appears every 5 seconds now at work too if I ask a question. I’m spiralling downwards but can’t afford any counselling and not sure where to go. my biggest concern is my child who is nearly 2 and picking up on my anxiety, and I don’t want my child to develop issues like I have. I can’t trust anyone now, especially after the biggest lifelong commitment you can offer someone has been used so trivially, that I am not sure what to do, I’d love to meet someone and give child a decent father figure, but I know that no matter what I will always be questioning them and feeling insecure or paranoid they are up to no good.
Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to fix myself and is there truly a life after all this once trust has been broken like this?
21st November 2019 at 10:41 am #91999MirinaParticipant
You need more support at the moment, do you have any family you can go to until you’re feeling more positive? Suggest talking to your GP too, they might be able to help with the anxiety and low feelings. You need time to heal and get yourself back, but you can do this. You are stronger than you think.
21st November 2019 at 12:14 pm #92009
THank you. My family are struggling as they’re older parents or not around. I am quite isolated as a single mum. I try to be sociable but it is hard as Little one doesn’t sleep well so I’m done for and then getting aged parents to look after and stay out is difficult. My Gp can be dismissive os I’m nervous about approaching and what to say/how to get advice.
21st November 2019 at 12:23 pm #92010[email protected]Participant
Kids do pick up on anxiety I remember my youngest at this age I was struggling to cope with my anxiety and she cried most off the day and never slept. We got through it but I wish now I had gotten counselling for my feelings. If I were you I’d ask to see a different doctor you need someone you can be frank with and it’s your right to have good Nhs care. I apologise a lot too domestic abuse shakes us to the very core and it is clear abuse makes us doubt our worth. But that’s down to how we’ve been conditioned to feel this way. Everyone deserves support I hope you get one off the nicer doctors xx they are out there xx
23rd November 2019 at 9:53 pm #92263Forus lParticipant
There’s nothing to fix. You are perfect as you are.
Your self esteem is low and you have anxiety due to the bad experiences you’ve had, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. From what I’ve read, you love your child and you’re a great mum – because you’re already thinking about how things may affect your little one. Your child will be just fine with someone who is so considerate and caring. Remember us mums don’t always get everything right, what matters is we have the best interests of our children at heart.
And I know lots of mums who have raised children on their own, there’s no rush to find a father figure. Mums are quite capable of being both parents, women are amazing like that.
One thing I learned after staying in an abusive marriage (I stayed for so long as I desperately wanted to be a “family”). The thing I learned is that me and my kids were more of a family together, without a toxic “father figure” in it. We are so happy now, there’s literally no arguments, we laugh so much together. Sometimes the house is messy because we’ve been enjoying being with each other. I could never have imagined this two years ago when we were being constantly put down, shouted at, threatened etc.
A family is what you make it and it doesn’t need two parents if one of them makes everyone unhappy.
My ex slept with three other women when he was married to me. My trust was completely shattered. But you know what, that speaks volumes about him and not about me. The same goes for you.
You have integrity. You have values and you deserve someone who loves you for who you are. But until you start recognising your own value and putting boundaries in, men like that will be drawn in.
The good news is, you’ll be able to spot these men very quickly now. Always trust your gut.
Now, for you. Start connecting with friends again, who are you? What do you enjoy? Find the things that make you happy and whole again. You deserve happiness and once you have connected with yourself again, all the other stuff will fall into place.
Big hugs to you.
27th November 2019 at 1:32 pm #92530
Thank you everyone. I have managed to sort a freedom project course if I can get childcare and will see my GP today as I have had a couple of panic attack type things which were awful.
Hopefully things will settle soon. Thank you for the understanding and reassurance x
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